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AIBU?

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Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

181 replies

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 16:45

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 29/04/2024 18:06

We all have the same surname. As above the advice was to take birth certificate and a letter of permission. DH took the same when he travelled a week later with our other DC.

ASighMadeOfStone · 29/04/2024 18:02

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

The surname thing is irrelevant @SimplyMother .

An adult travelling alone with a minor is more likely to be questioned if the surnames are different, but that's only one of the reasons someone may be stopped.

Get permission to take a child abroad

Permission from parents and courts to take a child on holiday abroad and avoid abduction

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Bax765 · 29/04/2024 18:02

I think you should have shared dates and been prepared to compromise, like he did with the EU trip.

There may also be other differences:

  1. Is he travelling during term time, or school holidays only, for the EU trip? Missing school should be agreed with both parents.
  2. The Christmas period is a special time for many parents and this will have a bigger impact than travelling at other times of the year.
  3. The country you are visiting is important. I'd be more happy about an ex-partner taking my child to Germany, rather than Mexico, as an example.
hangingonfordearlife1 · 29/04/2024 18:00

no repercussions from school he's only 4 and legally doesn't have to attend

Cliffwheat00 · 29/04/2024 18:00

You will need his permission to go if he has parental responsibility ( on the birth certificate). So that will be a letter from the dad and birth certificate. If you want to go and he won’t let you then you can go to court and get their permission. It’s around £110-150 I can’t remember at the top of my head. They basically ask where and why your going. This only covers the one trip. Every trip he refuses you need to reapply.

ASighMadeOfStone · 29/04/2024 18:00

Morality and school aside, you both need a consent letter from the other parent to take the child out of the country given there is no court arrangement in place.

Tigertigertigertiger · 29/04/2024 17:58

I think you went it about it the wrong way but it's not that big a deal.
Did you answer the passport question ?

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:58

TinaYouFatLard · 29/04/2024 17:54

I needed to take written permission from my DH to take our DS to the USA because he was travelling with only one parent. Have you checked whether you will need to same for where you’re going, OP?

No, I didn’t think this was an issue. Our DD has both our last names. Is it the same for your DC?

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 29/04/2024 17:56

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:28

I think it’s more selfish of him to deny his child a chance to meet their family, because a holiday wasn’t done the way he wanted it to be done.

No it's not more selfish.

She doesn't have to go at Christmas and she doesn't have to miss school.

TinaYouFatLard · 29/04/2024 17:54

I needed to take written permission from my DH to take our DS to the USA because he was travelling with only one parent. Have you checked whether you will need to same for where you’re going, OP?

OhBumBags · 29/04/2024 17:53

I wouldn't be happy either if I were him.

Missing school, 3 weeks over Christmas, you conveniently not mentioning it 'because you hadn't paid it off'.

No, I wouldn't be happy at all.

Sirzy · 29/04/2024 17:45

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:43

I have been a few times. I know my family there, that’s why I want DD to go and meet them.

Sorry I misread the post and thought you had said you hadn’t been since youth.

i still think the timing you have chosen is selfish though. Would you be happy to not see her for three weeks over Christmas?

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:43

Sirzy · 29/04/2024 17:38

You haven’t been there since youth but now it’s oh so important that you have to go for so long over Christmas?

I have been a few times. I know my family there, that’s why I want DD to go and meet them.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/04/2024 17:38

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:28

I think it’s more selfish of him to deny his child a chance to meet their family, because a holiday wasn’t done the way he wanted it to be done.

You haven’t been there since youth but now it’s oh so important that you have to go for so long over Christmas?

LIZS · 29/04/2024 17:36

And he may be referring to the fact that if parents are being fined for absence (which may not apply on this occasion as dc is below csa) it applies to both, not just the one taking them out.

TakeOnFlea · 29/04/2024 17:32

He's not denying it. You've done it in a very underhand way and you've done it in the first term at school which at her young age will be important for settling in and over Christmas too. She'll miss out but you're not bothered.

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:28

LittleBooThang · 29/04/2024 17:22

This. YABVU and selfish.

I think it’s more selfish of him to deny his child a chance to meet their family, because a holiday wasn’t done the way he wanted it to be done.

OP posts:
LittleBooThang · 29/04/2024 17:22

Alittlefrustrated · 29/04/2024 17:18

Yabvu and deceitful. I feel sorry for your child missing the Christmas excitement at school too. I think you are being quite selfish here. You are grasping at straws with the 'not legal requirement until 5' argument. The point is you have chosen to take up a school place - you can't then just decide she goes to school/stays off when it suits you.

This. YABVU and selfish.

LIZS · 29/04/2024 17:21

You were economical in communicating your plans until it was booked. Hmm Presumably his family holiday was openly discussed beforehand. If you want it watertight you will need to go to court.

RedKiss · 29/04/2024 17:21

SilverSimca · 29/04/2024 17:19

Mexico is in North America

Yes you’re correct, I forgot sorry. I still am assuming it’s an Island as there aren’t many Mexicans in the UK.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/04/2024 17:20

It'll be worth the money to get the legal approval, as he could easily turn once you're on your way to the airport and claim he never approved it/he thinks you're abducting her. Going to court with a history of him already having planned an equal period away and the fact that she's not of compulsory school age (so there is no way her place will be withdrawn) will show that it's directly comparable to what your DC has with him - a holiday and a relationship with her paternal relatives.

SilverSimca · 29/04/2024 17:19

RedKiss · 29/04/2024 17:17

@PinkFrogss

Mexico is south. Probably a Caribbean Island.

Mexico is in North America

Alittlefrustrated · 29/04/2024 17:18

Yabvu and deceitful. I feel sorry for your child missing the Christmas excitement at school too. I think you are being quite selfish here. You are grasping at straws with the 'not legal requirement until 5' argument. The point is you have chosen to take up a school place - you can't then just decide she goes to school/stays off when it suits you.

Watchinghockey · 29/04/2024 17:18

If it's Haiti, I wouldn't want anyone taking my child there at the moment.

RedKiss · 29/04/2024 17:17

Greywitch2 · 29/04/2024 17:14

I'm really confused. What North American country isn't classed as safe?

Do you just mean the USA?

@PinkFrogss

Mexico is south. Probably a Caribbean Island.