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AIBU?

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Original poster

Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

181 replies

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 16:45

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

OP posts:
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Chatonette · 02/05/2024 17:20

SimplyMother · 29/04/2024 17:58

No, I didn’t think this was an issue. Our DD has both our last names. Is it the same for your DC?

Show quote history

I took my two DC to the US on my own, aged 4 and 6 (we have the same last name). Nobody batted an eye at either US immigration or UK immigration. No written permission was taken.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 01/05/2024 13:16

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2024 12:52

No, because it's a single user account. It's also used for things like free school meals applications where it is none of anybody else's business what your financial circumstances are. Or your national insurance number, phone or email address.

And if he thinks that a shared email address will work with school systems, he's wrong - it contravenes safeguarding (not just in terms of abuse reports, but needing two separate contacts in case of emergency), technically messes up a lot of apps and you end up thinking 'if I send this, who's actually going to read or respond?'

Direct him to the local authority where they can advise if they can set up a second parent account.

Show quote history

Thank you but he already has all of this information. I don’t qualify for school meals and he knows this.

Im not sure if he intends this to always be the case, as he’s added “where applicable.”

I will, however, send him to the council.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2024 12:52

SimplyMother · 01/05/2024 12:07

I’m sure made a dummy account, as he’s figured out that the email can be changed (sent proof).

He asked me if we could create a joint email account to use for DD in the future. He asked for the email to be changed to that joint email address.

Edited
Show quote history

No, because it's a single user account. It's also used for things like free school meals applications where it is none of anybody else's business what your financial circumstances are. Or your national insurance number, phone or email address.

And if he thinks that a shared email address will work with school systems, he's wrong - it contravenes safeguarding (not just in terms of abuse reports, but needing two separate contacts in case of emergency), technically messes up a lot of apps and you end up thinking 'if I send this, who's actually going to read or respond?'

Direct him to the local authority where they can advise if they can set up a second parent account.

AnxiousRabbit · 01/05/2024 12:29

SimplyMother · 01/05/2024 12:07

I’m sure made a dummy account, as he’s figured out that the email can be changed (sent proof).

He asked me if we could create a joint email account to use for DD in the future. He asked for the email to be changed to that joint email address.

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry...is this now a separate issue?
Who wants to appeal and why?
Are there grounds to appeal?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 01/05/2024 12:24

It's not a way to control

Its a way for him to make sure you don't "forget" to tell him things again since you are clearly trying to keep information from him

Original poster
SimplyMother · 01/05/2024 12:07

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2024 11:51

It's a single user portal attached to your email address, not a joint one.

Direct him to contact the local authority education department and keep saying no.

I’m sure made a dummy account, as he’s figured out that the email can be changed (sent proof).

He asked me if we could create a joint email account to use for DD in the future. He asked for the email to be changed to that joint email address.

OP posts:
exomoon · 01/05/2024 11:58

Yes, he should sort his own. You're not his secretary.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2024 11:51

It's a single user portal attached to your email address, not a joint one.

Direct him to contact the local authority education department and keep saying no.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 01/05/2024 11:48

My co-parent is now asking for the login for the school admission portal. I explained to him that I use the logins for other things, but he told me to change the password to give him access.

Can I say no, in any legal capacity. It feels as though he wants another way to control.

For context, we wanted to appeal for DD to go to a different local school. The first time round I managed the application on my own.

OP posts:
Tahinii · 01/05/2024 09:29

SimplyMother · 30/04/2024 17:26

I would never baby trap anyone. I think it’s speaks to your character - it’s an appalling accusation to make.

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It’s interesting that you think it’s an appalling accusation, yet you (and your ex) are using your child as a weapon and apparently that’s totally acceptable?!

FWIW, I don’t believe in ‘baby trapping’. I do think some parents use their own child as leverage to punish and get one over on the other parent. It’s sad and unfortunate for your child that both parents are selfish and weaponising her.

velveteenedge · 30/04/2024 20:51

You were pregnant five months without realising?!

Look it's your life, it just might help you to be honest about what is really bothering you here.

Your daughter has a chance to have a healthy co-parenting relationship (including being bilingual if her dad is French?!) which will encompass a new half-sibling and what sounds like wonderful travel experiences on both sides of the Atlantic.

She's a lucky little girl.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 30/04/2024 20:42

velveteenedge · 30/04/2024 18:47

I think the fact you were only together for four months before falling pregnant is really relevant here; you don't have a great co-parenting relationship because it wasn't that deep a relationship to begin with, you can't know someone enough after four months to bring up a child together.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, only that there's always going to be issues when having a baby with, in essence, a stranger.

If you're completely, truly honest, are there still lingering romantic feelings for this man? As from the outside that's what it looks like, and may well be how it presents to him and his wife.

As I said, neither of us were aware until 9 months into our relationship. We were friends first.

I am wanting to go to mediation to cut down contact with him. Are these things you do when you want someone back?

OP posts:
velveteenedge · 30/04/2024 18:47

I think the fact you were only together for four months before falling pregnant is really relevant here; you don't have a great co-parenting relationship because it wasn't that deep a relationship to begin with, you can't know someone enough after four months to bring up a child together.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, only that there's always going to be issues when having a baby with, in essence, a stranger.

If you're completely, truly honest, are there still lingering romantic feelings for this man? As from the outside that's what it looks like, and may well be how it presents to him and his wife.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 18:10

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:46

She’s letting him take dd away for 3 weeks, that’s pretty generous of her.

Show quote history

He discussed it with her FIRST and compromised down from 4 weeks to 3 because of her opinion on 4 weeks

She has booked and planned it without discussion.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:46

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:42

Well it is. If you’re both happy and ok with it then fine. She’s cut his contact down because she’s not happy with him even though it was working. She leaves her child when good and convenient for her but if he actually wants it makes it an issue and deliberately didn’t give him the dates till after she booked non changeable flights.

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She’s letting him take dd away for 3 weeks, that’s pretty generous of her.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:45

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:43

Also you ex asks op told. Big difference.

I think you’re getting confused. I haven’t talked about me at all. I have only talked about OP.

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:43

Also you ex asks op told. Big difference.

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:42

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:40

No answer then.

Show quote history

Well it is. If you’re both happy and ok with it then fine. She’s cut his contact down because she’s not happy with him even though it was working. She leaves her child when good and convenient for her but if he actually wants it makes it an issue and deliberately didn’t give him the dates till after she booked non changeable flights.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:42

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:41

Pretty sure op would never let him take their child over Christmas for three weeks either knowing her posting history.

But he is taking his dd abroad for 3 weeks for a holiday.

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:41

Pretty sure op would never let him take their child over Christmas for three weeks either knowing her posting history.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:40

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:39

If every other part of your co parenting also hating your ex because he wouldn’t marry you like ops is?

Show quote history

No answer then.

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:39

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:38

Yes loads of children split Christmas but normally one parent gets Christmas and one Boxing Day. Not flying out somewhere else for three whole weeks from the 23rd.

The ex has asked to fly dd to his country every other Christmas.

Is he also doing it to spite his child?

If every other part of your co parenting also hating your ex because he wouldn’t marry you like ops is?

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:38

Yes loads of children split Christmas but normally one parent gets Christmas and one Boxing Day. Not flying out somewhere else for three whole weeks from the 23rd.

The ex has asked to fly dd to his country every other Christmas.

Is he also doing it to spite his child?

OhmygodDont · 30/04/2024 17:34

Nobody forgets that they will be taking their child abroad away from the other parent over Christmas smh 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes loads of children split Christmas but normally one parent gets Christmas and one Boxing Day. Not flying out somewhere else for three whole weeks from the 23rd.

Thats not thinking of your child at all and is purely to spite your ex.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 17:28

chocolatcha · 30/04/2024 17:21

I think this whole situation has backfired on you.

You met someone, had a fling, liked him more than he liked you and thought an "accidental" pregnancy might make him marry you and form a family unit.

It didn't work, so you are lashing out at your ex and his new wife at the expense of your child.

Just think about that for a moment, you are using your own daughter as a weapon to hurt the man who spurned you. You need to stop this before it irreparably harms your child.

This is unnecessarily nasty.