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Original poster

Paying 50:50 when I work part time

70 replies

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 13:17

Votes please on whether you consider this fair. I work part time and have 2 days a week where I look after our 2 year old and pick the 4 year old up from school, take to swimming lessons et . Other 3 days I work from home. My husband works from home 5 days a week. We split doing cooking/kids bedtimes for to me doing 4 nights and him doing 3 nights a week. I do kids laundry and grocery ordering. We split the household costs to me paying 3/8 and him paying 5/8 as we got paid roughly the same (per day). Last year he lost his job and spent several months looking for work in the hours he would have otherwise been working. He kept his contributions the same, claimed some job seekers and eventually got some projects as self employed. The projects have been very slow to pay him and he’s running out of savings. I’ve offered now to pay 50:50 of our costs as I’m probably making more than him despite being part time. But I’m doing 2 days of childcare that he is not. Do you think it is fair? (Ps yes I know we are married and our finances are technically combined but we have our own accounts with money that we choose how to spend it eg on clothes, presents or holidays or seeing friends. Also I did suggest he drops to a 4 day week and we both do that but he’s not interested)

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 29/04/2024 19:05

Would you rather work 5 days and put your children in nursery?

supersonicginandtonic · 29/04/2024 19:05

You pay equal amounts based on a percentage that you earn.
Me and my partner earn so we pay 60/40 into a joint account to cover bills. The rest is ours for extras.
In regards to parenting. I do more obviously as I work 4 days, he works 5. Same with housework. We both get our own time too but we get the same for that. Both have hobbies we enjoy doing and friends we like seeing.
With clubs I do them when I'm not at work as he can't because he isn't here. And believe me there are a lot of clubs to juggle here.
What you are saying really does not make any sense at all.

User79853257976 · 29/04/2024 18:59

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 13:17

Votes please on whether you consider this fair. I work part time and have 2 days a week where I look after our 2 year old and pick the 4 year old up from school, take to swimming lessons et . Other 3 days I work from home. My husband works from home 5 days a week. We split doing cooking/kids bedtimes for to me doing 4 nights and him doing 3 nights a week. I do kids laundry and grocery ordering. We split the household costs to me paying 3/8 and him paying 5/8 as we got paid roughly the same (per day). Last year he lost his job and spent several months looking for work in the hours he would have otherwise been working. He kept his contributions the same, claimed some job seekers and eventually got some projects as self employed. The projects have been very slow to pay him and he’s running out of savings. I’ve offered now to pay 50:50 of our costs as I’m probably making more than him despite being part time. But I’m doing 2 days of childcare that he is not. Do you think it is fair? (Ps yes I know we are married and our finances are technically combined but we have our own accounts with money that we choose how to spend it eg on clothes, presents or holidays or seeing friends. Also I did suggest he drops to a 4 day week and we both do that but he’s not interested)

This sounds like a co-parenting arrangement rather than a marriage. Pool your finances.

NewName24 · 29/04/2024 18:55

Every time I read a thread like this with a married couple with children acting in this transactional manner I just shake my head.

Basically, if I feel like my DH and I are pulling our weight and doing our best that’s what’s important.

If you’re not pooling your money in some way what’s the point?

I completely agree.
OP - we've had some years when dh wasn't earning (studying); and some years when I earned more than he did; and some years when I was part time; and some years when he has earned more than me. In all that time, ALL our money has gone in to the family pot, and then each of us has had the same amount of "spending money" each month to do as we please with. It was next to nothing in the early years when we were broke, and has increased over the decades. But one thing that has been constant is the understanding we are equal partners, and the amount of hours we do in our paid role, the amount of hours we did looking after our dc, and the salary we brought in for doing our different jobs is irrelevant because we were always both working towards the same goal.

All this trying to 'measure' who contributes the most, and the concept that one person should have £££ to spend on themselves whilst leaving their partner to struggle is beyond my comprehension.

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 18:49

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:41

If looking after children wasn’t work there’d be whole sectors out of a job. I’m not looking at my children in a shitty way, I’m implying that we socially hold no value on those who spend their full day raising their own children (who will go on to form the next generation of society with the values taught to them by said individuals) and it is instead a privilege. I feel privileged to have my children and I think it’s shitty that my taking proper care of them is not recognised as valuable

Show quote history

It is valuable, obviously, it is not a job to look after your own children - that’s shitty. Considering you can’t understand the difference between the childcare industry where people are paid to look after other peoples children, and you looking after your own children when you’re not working, I don’t think there’s much helping you TBH.

But to summarise, being paid to look after other people’s children is a job. Looking after your own children is parenting. HTH

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 18:44

I feel privileged to have my children and I think it’s shitty that my taking proper care of them is not recognised as valuable

Who makes you feel it isn’t valuable?

DragonGypsyDoris · 29/04/2024 18:44

Is this a relationship underpinning a cohesive family unit, or merely a business arrangement? I can't believe I'm read such a sad story.

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 18:43

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:35

If he earnt less than you are you saying nothing would change?

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Yes - we’d split money so that we had the same left over.

Why would it?

Iloveshihtzus · 29/04/2024 18:41

Please let us know how much he works OP - as in actual hours not in how much he faffs around as he can only charge hours worked as a freelance. I think if you are going to add more into the pot, he needs to take on childcare for some days you are at work, to enable you to max your earnings.

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:41

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 18:23

Yeah you’ve made that crap up to suit your own narrative. Looking after your children is being a parent which includes mum or dad, you being part time means you look after them more yes. Your own marriage inadequacies do not mean I’m living in the 50s. You implying your children are work doesn’t make you a modern day feminist, it’s just a shitty way of looking at your children.

Show quote history

If looking after children wasn’t work there’d be whole sectors out of a job. I’m not looking at my children in a shitty way, I’m implying that we socially hold no value on those who spend their full day raising their own children (who will go on to form the next generation of society with the values taught to them by said individuals) and it is instead a privilege. I feel privileged to have my children and I think it’s shitty that my taking proper care of them is not recognised as valuable

OP posts:
Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:35

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 18:27

This is rubbish. DH earns more than me, I work fewer hours.

He covers at least half the sickness, cooks 95% of the time, covers school holidays. We do different ‘chores’ but contribute effort and time equally.

Money is a tool to keep our lives running. Who earns more is irrelevant.

Show quote history

If he earnt less than you are you saying nothing would change?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 18:27

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:09

No it’s not being a parent, it’s being a mother. Because if the situation was the other way round and it was a man doing two days “parenting” and working a stressful job the other 3 days to pay for half the living costs, and the woman worked 5 days getting paid less, people would say “what a terrible mother she should be working part time” and “what an amazing dad”. What I’m hearing is, you’re a mother and you need to do what both the 1950s and the 2020s demand of you and shut up

Show quote history

This is rubbish. DH earns more than me, I work fewer hours.

He covers at least half the sickness, cooks 95% of the time, covers school holidays. We do different ‘chores’ but contribute effort and time equally.

Money is a tool to keep our lives running. Who earns more is irrelevant.

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 18:23

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:09

No it’s not being a parent, it’s being a mother. Because if the situation was the other way round and it was a man doing two days “parenting” and working a stressful job the other 3 days to pay for half the living costs, and the woman worked 5 days getting paid less, people would say “what a terrible mother she should be working part time” and “what an amazing dad”. What I’m hearing is, you’re a mother and you need to do what both the 1950s and the 2020s demand of you and shut up

Show quote history

Yeah you’ve made that crap up to suit your own narrative. Looking after your children is being a parent which includes mum or dad, you being part time means you look after them more yes. Your own marriage inadequacies do not mean I’m living in the 50s. You implying your children are work doesn’t make you a modern day feminist, it’s just a shitty way of looking at your children.

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 18:22

Every time I read a thread like this with a married couple with children acting in this transactional manner I just shake my head.

Basically, if I feel like my DH and I are pulling our weight and doing our best that’s what’s important.

If you’re not pooling your money in some way what’s the point?

We get paid into our own accounts and then transfer a variable amount each month which leaves us with the same personal money.

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:17

Plus what was said before about investment decisions and birthday presents

OP posts:
Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:16

Thursdaygirl · 29/04/2024 18:12

This!

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Yes but.. he is self employed. So has accountants fees and tax to pay and the income is in shifts and starts. He has a separate house which requires upkeep and payment (he treats it as his pension). It’s very hard to tell what is money allowed for family spending unless it’s in a joint account with our individual contributions

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 29/04/2024 18:12

Cygnetmad · 29/04/2024 13:23

just pool the finances. sorted. Sounds all so transactional otherwise.

This!

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 18:09

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 18:01

It’s being a parent, it’s not a job or childcare. You made people, now you have to take care of them, and it’s a privilege not awarded to everyone.

Yes 50/50 when you earn more than him sounds fair. Not that marriage is all about fair, it’s about a life together and give and take. It’s not suppose to be a business arrangement where everything has to be calculated and your children count as an extra job role.

Show quote history

No it’s not being a parent, it’s being a mother. Because if the situation was the other way round and it was a man doing two days “parenting” and working a stressful job the other 3 days to pay for half the living costs, and the woman worked 5 days getting paid less, people would say “what a terrible mother she should be working part time” and “what an amazing dad”. What I’m hearing is, you’re a mother and you need to do what both the 1950s and the 2020s demand of you and shut up

OP posts:
DecayedStrumpet · 29/04/2024 18:08

Surely he could squeeze his self employed projects into 4 days of focussed work, and do a day of childcare to save you money?

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 18:01

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 17:44

Just curious how would you define taking sole care of the children for 13hr shifts? Involving school drop off and pick up, and taking the 4 year old to swimming lessons whilst watching the 2 year old? have you tried doing this for a full day, if not have a go and get back to me on how you would define the day.

He is currently working, just the pay is for small projects and with delays to getting paid so very hard to work out his actual income as it isn’t regular

Show quote history

It’s being a parent, it’s not a job or childcare. You made people, now you have to take care of them, and it’s a privilege not awarded to everyone.

Yes 50/50 when you earn more than him sounds fair. Not that marriage is all about fair, it’s about a life together and give and take. It’s not suppose to be a business arrangement where everything has to be calculated and your children count as an extra job role.

CheshireCats · 29/04/2024 17:57

Op, I think you will find most of us have parented our own child(ren) for a 13hr day involved clubs, drop offs, etc!😀

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 17:52

MidnightPatrol · 29/04/2024 14:04

We don’t as there’s no need to. We both put in £x to cover monthly costs, then have our own money to do as we please with.

I don’t want to have to have an opinion on him deciding to invest in cryptocurrency, go on a stag do, buy an expensive coat. And vice-versa!

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Exactly this. And also, he has a big birthday coming up for which I’m arranging a party with his friends and will be considerable cost on my part but which is not his business how i am spending my money. I also feel a slight annoyance that it doesn’t matter how hard I try and get rewarded at work, because of his situation I have to stop my personal spending and any luxuries (this has been going on a year now) and all my extra “earnings” mean nothing. Particularly given that had the situation been the other way round I would have put all my energy into finding a job as soon as I even got a hint that the company was folding and that is not what he has done at all. He held on for months with savings just evaporating looking for the perfect next move. Sure, we need to be a team, but it feels like I’m doing all the work here. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Rickrolypoly · 29/04/2024 17:46

HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 17:44

Just curious how would you define taking sole care of the children for 13hr shifts? Involving school drop off and pick up, and taking the 4 year old to swimming lessons whilst watching the 2 year old? have you tried doing this for a full day, if not have a go and get back to me on how you would define the day.

He is currently working, just the pay is for small projects and with delays to getting paid so very hard to work out his actual income as it isn’t regular

Show quote history

I'd call it being a parent??

And yes I've tried it.

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 29/04/2024 17:44

Rickrolypoly · 29/04/2024 13:39

So is he working now or just looking for work?

if you are earning more then you should contribute more, regardless of whether you are part time or full time.

Also, you are not providing "childcare" for 2 days? wtf kind of attitude is that?

Just curious how would you define taking sole care of the children for 13hr shifts? Involving school drop off and pick up, and taking the 4 year old to swimming lessons whilst watching the 2 year old? have you tried doing this for a full day, if not have a go and get back to me on how you would define the day.

He is currently working, just the pay is for small projects and with delays to getting paid so very hard to work out his actual income as it isn’t regular

OP posts:
BiIIIie · 29/04/2024 14:40

Just decide whether you're a team or not. A team wouldn't be picky about who is doing what, as long as it worked.