Inheritance

The OP's grandmother left her estate to her son (OP's father). He used the money to buy a property with his wife.

If the grandmother wanted the OP to have a portion of the estate she could have left it to her outright. She chose not to do that.

I don't see it as unfair.

Hi OP, I am in a remarkably similar situation to you, except that my Dad has now died and I have no idea how inheritance will work out. I was told by him that if he died first, everything would go to my stepmother, then to the children (inc two half siblings). My stepmother has been trying to erase me for the last 40 odd years seemingly out of strange jealousy, so I don't believe this will come to pass.

Things are good financially for me. The money doesn't matter, it all just reaffirms a deep sense of rejection that I have always felt by my father, who failed to welcome me into his new family. So I get it.

For me it does sound fair, assuming step mum is choosing to give just her two bio kids half each. Which is of course her right. Would you expect your mum to share her money equally between you and her partners kids? (if she had one with kids obviously). Your dad is splitting his share 3 ways. So the only issue really is your expectation of inheritance from step mum.
Presuming your mum will leave you something when she passes as well?
Honestly I'd think hard before going in on trying to change it. You can explain your feelings to your dad of course, and ask to be an executor. But that's just an admin role so not going to change how much you get.

The main bit that is unfair is her paternal gf money went to buy a second home. The income and the home is going to the sm.

🤣

I don't think it's unfair. Sounds logical. You have another parent from whom you could inherit.

A scenario occurred with a friend of mine - let's call him Ed - where his father remarried and left the house in his will to the new wife - Gloria - whilst she lived and then after she died to his children. This was also in accordance with my friends mothers will - she left her portion of the house to her husband with the express wish it be passed onto her children after his death.

However the second wife Gloria re-wrote her will after his death to leave the house to her children. They had got together in their 70s so her children had no close parenting relationship with Ed's dad.

Ed and his sister challenged Gloria on her will which she had told them about and wrote a legal letter with reminders of their mother and father's will. Gloria changed hers back and apologised saying she misunderstood legal advice. Ed was careful to stay on good terms with her to ensure no further 'misunderstandings' occurred.

He was advised they could have challenged her will after her death as it's contravened earlier wills. I'm not sure how easy that would have been in practice but Gloria's children heard about it and reassured Ed and his sister that they fully understood they did not have a claim on the house.

Hahahahhahahahah wow, you’re really het up about this aren’t you?! I really think, if you post here, you’re going to need a better explanation as to why you’re so bothered about money that you haven’t earned and about controlling who gets what? Inheritance is a privilege and not a right and if I was your family and you were making this fuss then I probably wouldn’t give you anything! You’re invading everyone’s privacy and being a spoilt princess and you want to tell me to piss off for calling it out 🤣 amazing.

I'm another one who has gone through something similar OP.

My mums 'love language' was giving gifts and being very generous. Also, like your dad, she referred to 'my inheritance' at various points throughout her life so, although I didn't pursue or ask, I was confident I knew her will.

When she died, reality was very different from what I was promised. She left almost everything to her husband and I got a much smaller cut of her estate.

And no, it wasn't about the money. My DH and I are relatively comfortable. It was the unfairness and the change from her 'love language' that devastated me.

I am undergoing counselling for this right now.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you. It's shit

That's lovely and fair and reasonable. However, some families are swayed by inheritance amounts from the other parent (eg if your step-children inherited millions from their mother then you might want to even things out by leaving more to your son). Also, unless protected by a trust or similar, you can't prevent your partner from changing their will once you are dead and cutting out your son.

OP you sound really grabby and a bit desperate. It’s really none of your business. Where is your self respect and dignity here?

If your father has assured you for years that his estate would be passed to his wife and then split equally between his 3 children after her death he has been foolish. Perhaps he hasn't deliberately lied, simply not thought things through. Perhaps when he said "Left to the 3 of you" he didn't actually mean equal shares. If your grandmother wanted to leave something to you she could have done so directly, rather than leaving everything to your dad. Your father could write his will leaving a life interest in his half of the property to your step-mother, then adjust the shares left to you and your step-siblings after her death, to ensure all three of you get the same. But you have no right to see his will in advance of his death, even if you were an Executor, and he could amend his will at any date. I think your hurt is more about feeling left out than money and maybe that is something you can address with him?

It surprises me that these things aren’t discussed in blended families. We don’t have any shared children, I have one and my bloke has three. We have mirror wills and our assets will be split equally four ways on the second death. According to most pp my son should be kicking off because they think he should get half and the other three a sixth each. I genuinely can’t contemplate how incredibly hurt they’d be and fortunately nor can my son with whom I’ve discussed this.

I have been told it will go equally 3 ways, it won't, I have been lied to
I find it very odd that your dad was having serious discussion about his will intentions when you were growing up as you say in your post. That doesn't happen and even if things are mentioned, you can expect things not to change as time goes by.

Your dad can't be that old, so even now, I find it a very odd conversation to be having and to expect to be showing the will...talk about entitlement! It's no surprise he hasn't made you executor of his will!

I am in exactly the same situation than you on both sides, just 20 years older than you. My dad is in his 80s and still I haven't asked him what his will looks like. It's none of my business how he and my stepmum (and my mum) have chosen to divide the money.

One sure thing though, if I was pestering him and demanding to see the will, he would very hurt and disappointed in me.

I expect your dad is telling you what you want to hear so not to create conflict and I really don't blame him!

When it comes to inheritance, the best advice is to expect nothing, then any surprise will be a pleasant one.

A lot of pretty harsh replies here, it seems to me (pretty sure the OP wasn't asking for comments on her character or whether she comes across 'in a good light' to a bunch of strangers). OP, sorry to say, although it's been expressed rather unkindly, a lot of the comments do make a good point that it's out of your control and sadly, things may not end up in your favour if you push it with your dad. Just wanted to say that I understand and empathise with the hurt you feel, and went through something similar myself with my own stepmum. It's so painful to feel like a spare part in your own family, that you don't quite belong, and in your case that you've been lied to.

Not that it's going to help anyone in this situation in this country, but isn't it the case that in some European countries, it's legally impossible to cut your children out of your will entirely? Given the hurt and stress it causes so many people with step parents, I suppose I kind of get where they're coming from.

My mum told me yesterday that she is going to leave everything to my sister’s 3 kids because she hates my BIL and doesn’t want him to have any of her money. She said that my DH and his parents can provide for my DS, who is disabled, as he won’t ever ‘own his own home’. I feel a bit hurt too but it’s fine, it’s her choice. My DSiS is a very high earner and her husband has addiction issues so her kids may be left with nothing if my DSIS dies first, which is unlikely but not impossible. As a PP said no one knows what will happen in between now and the person’s death. These sorts of situations are always difficult.