Sibling I never knew in touch

I think the TV show Long Lost Families has a lot to answer for. Not every family meeting, where they see each other for the first time, is an emotional and uplifting occasion. It can be damaging and hurtful. I would tell your brother so that he knows, but apart from that, I wouldn't push for any kind of contact.

Has this person said what they actually want OP? Do they expect to meet, have they offered any explanation to how they found you or what prompted contact now, are they in contact with biological family? I am the other side of this, I am adopted and biological mother wants no contact which is fair enough, I know she has another daughter (a full bio sibling to me) and how to contact her but I just won't, it would cause too much hurt for everyone. I think how this person approached you would influence how I went forward.

I think this is a bit harsh. Yes there are many people who don't want any contact with family members for a variety of reasons but there are plenty that do.
I'd never consider someone who wants to trace family as selfish. That's a pretty bold statement.

My mum was contacted by one of these people after her dad died, it made me so angry. There was much talk about should the family meet them etc. I don’t think this individual gave two hoots about the upset and turmoil they caused the family- it was just about fulfilling their own need for connection.

These stories are never heartwarming or about building connections. They are grubby and upsetting and quite frankly I don’t care that we may have some genes in common, the fact that you would risk upsetting my family means I don’t want anything to do with you. It is selfish.

I would ignore it and move on. Your brother has been very clear to you about his wishes and this persons need for a connection doesn’t trump your or your brothers need to not have one.

He has the right to decide. You must tell him.

I had a similar thing. In touch with my sibling... it was a really positive experience for me.

It was good knowing more about my family

I think I’d tell the DB that this person has been in touch and you have decided not to make any contsct with them as it stirs up the past. I think it would be worse if they then go on to contact your DB and he finds out they’d already contacted you.

Well in that case, don't tell him. If he ever finds out and says Why didn't you tell me? you can say that you both agreed to move on and not get involved with people from the past.
I watch a lot of the genealogy programmes on TV and most of the 'new sibling' ones end happily, with new families. But I did my own family tree and found my granddad's new family after he left my gran with four small dch. One of my other cousins has been in touch with this new family, but I don't want to know. So I understand how you feel.

This is a different situation, and not someone from either of your pasts, though. I think your brother needs to be given the opportunity to make his own decision. It’s infantilising to decide you know best.

You’re not unreasonable to feel that way but you do have to tell him. If he finds out himself at a later date he could be very hurt that you didn’t tell him.

I would tell him, it doesn’t mean he needs to contact them. But there is also the chance this sibling could message your brother and say they have messaged you, in turn your brother may feel excluded or lied to x

Your DH is right, he has the right to make his own decision on this. Understandable that you want to protect him, but he's a grown up and it would be wrong to hide this from him.