Sibling I never knew in touch

Giving him a piece of information can’t be the wrong decision. He’s free to do what he wants with it, and from what you say, he’s unlikely to want to pursue meeting the sibling, but you will have given him the choice, and then you can both forget about it with an easy mind.

I hope, if you or DB make a response to the one who’s contacted you that it works out well.

There’s 50/50 chance they could bring trouble and strife to your door? Tread carefully and meet on neutral territory.

Before I get flamed for suggesting this, please accept I have personal experience of a half sibling seeking us out which turned out not to be the best experience.

I would tell him but once you have then don't mention anything more about it unless he asks or mentions it first.

I apparently have a half sibling on my mum's side. They decided to "reach out" to me once they had learned both my parents had died. Their father has said he wants to meet me before he dies (late 80's now), but I have absolutely no interest in meeting either of them and couldn't care less about what they want tbh.

Of course you have to tell him. It's not up to you to "do anything not to upset my DB", you may think you're protecting him but you're infantilising him by assuming he cannot handle this. He is a grown man, deserves to know, and deserves to make his own decision. My father's family had the exact same attitude towards him and didn't tell him things it turns out he would have loved to know, and he's been carrying a lot of regret that he wasn't told about those things until it was too late. It's not your right to take this choice away from your brother by witholding this information.

Another vote for tell him - sorry OP.

I don't think you can make the decision for him. It will be worse if this half sibling contacts him direct. This way you can control the time/place of talking to him, and he wont be blind sided if the half sibling does contact him in the future.

He may also resent you for not telling him, even if he does get angry / upset at the time of telling.

This is not a “skewed and hurtful post”. It is the posters experience and reality.

Surely anyone who reaches out to family that may not know of their existence, is certainly doing it for their own reasons and desire for contact and connection. Otherwise, why do it? They are also doing it with the knowledge it may cause upset to the other side.

They are entitled to do it but let’s not pretend the action is not selfish. And I don’t mean that negatively, but that the action is driven by the needs of self, no one else.

My brother is adopted, he traced his birth family, because he wanted to and was entitled to. BM was delighted to hear from him, threw herself into establishing a relationship with my DB and his son. Then my DB decided it wasn’t what he wanted and cut all ties.

Cant imagine that was positive for his BM.

Humans are fundamentally selfish and our actions are driven by what seems best for ourselves and our families at any given time. And yes, this can cause upset and pain to those on the receiving end.

You need to tell him and let him make his own choice.
This sibling might a great gift to you both and to not even meet to find out seems very sad and wrong to me. Maybe they are on their own and thrilled to have found out you exist?
I have a bit of mystery in my past and would dearly love to find out I had a sister or brother. It’s the reason I joined Ancestry but no luck.

I think you need to tell him and let him make his own decision.

For what it's worth, I have had siblings I didn't know about contact me (we share a father who I don't know). I spoke to them for a while, never met in person and I decided to cut all ties again. It didn't do good things for me either. But ultimately that was my decision I would have been annoyed if someone made that decision for me, even if it was from a good place.

But you are lying and being deceitful by withholding this information. You cannot make this decision for him.

I do think you are being quite selfish, this is just about protecting your brother, it's that you don't want him to have contact possible relationship with this potential sibling.

But this isn't one of those situations. He has a right to know. What are you going to do if they eventually contact him themselves and he finds out you knew and didn't tell him? Honestly, this is different. It's not like previous hurts. Withholding this from him will not reflect well on you. Yes you will do anything to save him from hurt but he's not a toddler. As much as I understand your closeness he's an adult and you do not have a right to decide what is best for him. This isn't for you to keep from him. Honestly what is the worst that's actually going to come from telling him? He says I'm not interested and you both carry on as normal. Where's the drama in that? Just tell him.

You could say something to him like:

”Hypothetically (meaningful look) if a family member we never met before was trying to make contact, would you want to be told?”

And see what he says.

If he finds out you knew and kept it from him it will equally hurt him.

He's an adult. Let him know, and leave the decision to him.

Perhaps this sibling has had their own traumatic life and are trying to piece together some information to try and find something good? Perhaps this is their way of getting some closure?

Finding members of a birth family isn't necessarily a bad thing. We found my husband's birth mother (forced adoption when she was very young and unmarried) and her children from a later marriage. It's worked out very well. One family now.

Tell him. Assuming he is an adult so he can make a decision whether he wished to have contact. Bear in mind that the person who has contacted you is probably in the same boat as you. They may have recently discovered they have half siblings.
Remember it's not the fault of the children that they were, for whatever reason, removed
from their parents/abandoned/adopted, .It's completely up to those involved whether that wish to establish a relationship.

This is a skewed and hurtful post.

I think that you should tell him in an fyi way because this new sibling could contact him and you’re probably the best person to warn him of the possibility of contact.
You’re very close with your brother and keeping this secret could turn into a problem even though he said that he didn’t want to know in the past.

I'm sorry your brother and you had such a tough upbringing. I think you should tell him that a possible half sibling has contacted you. You say he struggled when a NC relative got in touch, but this is slightly different in that he is not aware of this person and has not (yet) chosen whether he wants contact or not. Like others, I think there's a chance your half sibling may also contact your brother. If that's the case, you are not protecting your brother by not telling him as he'll find out anyway. But by telling him you are making sure that he doesn't feel lied to by you. (You could also ask at the same time if the situation repeats with another half sibling whether he'd want to know). I hope you and your brother, and your half sibling as they might have had a rubbish time too, manage to find peace.

I am sure this is causing you a lot of distress right now. It’s not straightforward.

This is what I do know though, the problem with ignoring something is it doesn’t go away. It is also much easier to deal with the closer it is to the initial contact rather than letting it linger. Short and sharp.

You have made your choice to not proceed with contact from the sibling.

I do think you have to tell your brother and let him decided. It is likely that he will make the same choice as you.

Then you can ask the new sibling to not contact you again - as the relationship is not something you wish to proceed with.

FWIW, I know someone (herself adopted) whose DH was contacted by an older half-sibling he’d been completely unaware of. His DM had had a baby very young, been sent to one of the Magdalen ‘Laundries’ to have the baby, which was adopted - she was sent away to work and never saw or heard from any of her own family again.

By the time the family found out, their DM had died.

For quite a long time the half-siblings refused any contact with the ‘new’ one, and my friend, who’d previously contacted her own birth mother and soon afterwards been rejected by her, felt awful for the new half sibling, and maintained some friendly contact until the actual half-siblings felt able to meet up.

It ultimately turned into a happy relationship all round.

It is not your decision, OP. Your brother is an adult, he has capacity to make his own decisions. You obviously care about him but you are, essentially lying by omission and are taking away his autonomy. However well meant, this is quite controlling at its core.
Unless he explicitly told you not to tell him if situation like this ever arises, a vague "I don't ever want to go through this again" is not a good enough reason to keep it from him.

Having been that (adopted at birth) unknown sibling who contacted my birth families as an adult I can tell you that it's nerve-racking, exciting and emotional. Always remember that they were a child once and that the sins of the father/mother are not the sins of the child.

I had siblings trying to contact me and like you I chose not to have anything to do with them, we share a father but it didn't mean much to me either.

I think you should say to your brother though I get you are trying to protect him but you got to choose what to do but it's unfair not to give your brother that choice.