Sibling I never knew in touch

It's very sad it upset him, but if you'd not told him and he'd later found out that the one person he trusted more than anyone else in the world had 'lied' and kept this from him I think his hurt may have been her far far greater.

It's an upsetting situation, for sure but one cannot go through life without facing challenges. It seems as though you both really struggle accepting and working through your past and it sounds as though your brother could benefit from some therapy or counselling to develop distress tolerance and work through trauma. Hiding information from him is not going to enable him to cope in the long term.

What a shame it upset him you both have been through such a lot, it is probably better that he is upset and then try and work through it than this sibling contacting him out of the blue on SM saying hi I'm your brother/sister

Because my daughter is adopted I come in at this at a slightly different angle. You need to put you guys first. Have you both really recovered from the previous contact? The social workers we met talked about how hard adult adopted found it emotionally and mentally when they met birth family. (It was explaining why it's so important to maintain birth family contact if it was positive)
I suggest you get counselling for you and then think more clearly about next steps/telling your brother. Do things on your timetable

In the ‘Long lost families- what happens next’, a fair few relationships have broken down or reverted to Christmas/birthday type contact only. Its not all Happy Ever After endings.

@paintingvenice You talk about choice from a position of hurt and bitterness which you seem to be projecting at entirely innocent parties.

The law rightly changed to give those "selfish" and "entitled" people a right to know about their birth origins for good reasons. Do try and remember that the children involved here had no choice in the matter at all. You are an adult and free to make those choices. Myself and many others had none.

Yes 100%. Davina and that bloody show.

I am aware that I have relations out there. Not sure if they know about me, but I can’t see what tracking them down will achieve. When I moved to the UK I debated getting in touch. But once I made a decision to avoid them and move on, it was a relief. I forged my own path and made my own tribe. I understand not wanting to rake the past all over again. Perhaps you and your brother could make a decision together for any future contact. A rule, once properly made, can remove a lot of future agonising.

So many people feeling lost in the world, but I’m not at all sure that internet searching and DNA testing will help.

I would be tempted to tell him as gently as possible by keeping some emotional distance from the sender of the email.

I got an email from somebody who thinks they might be a sibling. Are you interested in finding out?

So do I. Just because DNA is there doesn't mean this contact is always OK. And also the UK legislation on donor and adoption was put in place for good reasons. So now everyone flies abroad. So Long Lost Families in 20 years time will be much more international and totally DNA based (due to supposed anonymity).

I am sorry it knocked you, but you really do need to let him know. Fine if you dont want contact, nothing wrong with that. But he has to make up his own mind.

I would establish the facts, and get confirmation they are a sibling before proceeding.

It's too big of a decision to make for him, OP. I do think you're doing the right thing telling him.

It hurts when family members take decisions out of your hands. I know this because a bitch cousin of mine has gone digging for my Mum's birth family on an Ancestry site even though she knows Mum doesn't want to know anything about them. It has caused so much hurt and anger that a decision that was hers alone to make has been over-ridden and now she has to live with knowing who her birth Mum is and that she has siblings living relatively close by. It's been like a grenade going off in our family.

You ask do you not have a right? Well from my families point of view the person who could give any answers as to why was dead and all the contact did was create hurt, confusion and upset. A grieving widow then had to process news of an affair and their kids and grandchildren had to witness that. As for information about health conditions, background and siblings we gave no information or verification at all so that is a moot point.

I would have had no issue with them reaching out to my grandfather- indeed they may well have done and he may have shut it down. What I do have issue with is them tea out to people who have no choice in the matter, upending their worlds and talking about what they are entitled to.

I think you should tell him. He's a grown man and should be allowed to make the decision whether he wants contact or not. I get that you don't want to cause him upset but that doesn't excuse keeping secrets from him.

I would tell him - dont lie to him. Let him make his own decision - not you.

I would tell him, even though it will bring up hurt. Secrets break trust.

Hi @Highfivemum a few years ago I was contacted by a man claiming to be my brother. I was gobsmacked because he was two years older than me and it didn't make any sense. My birth mother, who had me adopted, told me a story of being alone, pregnant, scared and desperate but she had been through it all before, literally not much more than a year between the time he was given away for adoption and she got pregnant with me. I was very reticent but so was he, and we sent a few emails and left it at that, maybe 3 a year. Then last year I was on a weekend away and realised it was near his town so I asked to meet for coffee. It went really well, he has exactly the same mindset as me and has a busy full life. He was brought up very similarly to me, in a loving family with lots of aunts uncles cousins etc and we have enough people to be keeping in touch with without drawing more drama on ourselves. We also have a similar relationship with our birth mother. That is, I text her occasionally, we sent Christmas cards and I've met her 3 times I think. I sometimes randomly send her messages about medical stuff but very casual like - hey did you ever get cysts and she might reply, no but my cholesterol is going up, you should know!

My mother went on to have 4 more kids after me and my birth father had 5 so there are 9 more out there that I've never met or showed interest in meeting. I've never even looked them up online although I know their names. I could drive a few hours to their town and I'd probably bump into a few, they all live near each other but are unaware of their connection. What's interesting is my 'new' brother and adopted sister have the same blase attitude about biological family. Its funny but I think when you grow up without blood relatives you don't value it as much, you'd think it would be the opposite but I just don't associate family with DNA.

The big difference obviously is you and your DB went through a lot, it sounds like there was childhood trauma and massive responsibility on your part. So its bound to be much more complex. My situation is simpler and less emotional. I feel occasionally guilty that my half siblings, particularly mothers 4 kids were not told about me, I think its shitty she didn't tell them but I'm happy to not get involved. Sorry for the long post - but as others say be truthful but tread cautiously, very cautiously until you know what this sibling is about and don't be afraid to be selfish and say no if needs be. All that said, this person could be a blessing to you too, you never know. Very best of luck to you and your brother.

This is the approach I would go with in your situation @Highfivemum

ignore any anecdotes from posters who have both positive and negative experiences. None of it is applicable to your personal family situation. The only thing I would say is that if the answer is that you don’t want contact, then make sure your message back is clear and firm on this - you can still be courteous but don’t leave any room for ambiguity.

@paintingvenice "My mum was contacted by one of these people..." I am one of those people. I have twice been rejected by my bio mum, left in foster care whilst she went on to have another child she kept less than 18 months later. But I have never felt angry, only wanted some questions answered. I made contact,indirect, but was warned off as she did not want her "real children" to know about me. I long ago accepted this.

Yet as I have grown older, I have been considering contacting my bio brother. But your post makes me sound like an entitled, selfish person. Yet I have kept the secret I was asked to for so many years but do we not have a right to know about our background, health issues and other potential siblings? He can always refuse contact, that is his right and his choice.

It has been hard to understand for me as I am a Kinship carer through the family courts and have never thought of myself in the terms you describe.

Op, I would tell your brother. It is to your credit that you seek to protect him but he has to have chance to mull this over and make his own decision.

It seems odd to me that you don't want to know about your half sibling. At least give them a chance.

He definitely has the right to know but could you find out more before you tell him?

The is probably a world of difference between a new family member who has had a similar experience and one who lived with your Mum and has turned out like her.

The same thing happened to me OP, a long lost sibling showed up. I'll post later, busy now.