Still sad about husband leaving

I don't want to make this about me, but after an abusive ex I needed to make new friends. This was ten years ago and I recently had a milestone birthday and was surrounded by love. Not one of those "friends" who believed his facade were there and it was quite emotional in a good way to see how I had fought for myself.

Life will be different for you and it can be better but just be gentle and take one day at a time. There is nothing like the confidence of rebuilding yourself and you can do it. You sound lovely and deserve the best.

You're not stupid. I'm in a similar position as my DH left me out of the blue last Summer after 24 years of marriage. I thought my life was over. I'm not over it but I'm in therapy to help me sort all my feelings out. All three of my sons have cut him off, not because of the split but because if his behaviour since. I'm struggling with so much anger at what he's done to them.

It sounds super hard. I would bet you've been in survival mode. Please take a little time today to look forward. You don't have to take any immediate steps but I think having a plan to look forward to might help.

Making a decision to move forward is part of healing and knowing where you want life to be in 1, 3 and 5 years would be good for you to see a way forward. Takes the pressure off of acting today.

Perhaps you'd like to have joined a gym or a club within 1 year, have gone on holiday or decorated a room within 3 years and have moved out in 5?

My DH has recently left me after 40+ years for someone else. I was absolutely devastated and somewhat reluctantly I paid for counselling and frankly it was the best thing I ever did. With the counsellors help I saw the relationship for what it really was not what I believed it do be and came to conclusion even if my DH wanted us to get back together I wouldn’t want this. Of course I’m still sad I devoted 40+ years of my life to him and we did have some great times but talking to the counsellor I also realised that there was a lot of unhappiness that I was ignoring and that in the last 5 years the unhappiness dominated our relationship. I live alone (my children are grown up) and have discovered how wonderful it is I feel I have suffocated by my ex for 40+ years and at last I am free to be myself.
Dont waste emotional energy trying to hate him (this is of course what family and friends possibly understandably want you to do) it won’t help you. Concentrate on yourself channel you fragile emotions into you, my counsellor encouraged me to look at the relationship for what it really was , affairs are symptoms of significant problems in a marriages, and also to start thinking about myself and what was best for me.
Secondly talk to your GP mine was amazing and I received fantastic support from our MH team.
You can get through this and come out the other side a better stronger more self fulfilled person. I know these all could like cliches and believe me even 8 months ago I was in a terrible place and at one stage the counsellor didn’t think I was emotionally strong enough to even do counselling. But today sitting here writing this I am happier that I have been in years no longer fighting to keep a relationship which has been dead a long time and with a man who had for 40 + years always put his needs above mine. I am finally free to be my self and I am now discovering who that person is it’s an interesting journey!
Good luck 💐

Hugs to you op.

Your feelings make sense because they are a reflection of your own love and integrity, not your ex husbands. You’re already seeing this in some way, so in time you can trust that this will be clearer to your heart.

So don’t be upset or cross with yourself, be kind to yourself. Divorce is really tough and heartbreak can take a long time to fade. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of time.

Do you have friends who can support you as the divorce comes through?

You're definitely not being stupid OP - this sounds tough, including having to live so close to people who've pushed you away. You can't just switch feelings off, and your apprehension about the divorce sounds understandable - although perhaps after the end of May, when it's final, you'll gradually find it easier to make a fresh start. Do you have friends or other people you can talk things through with? Look after yourself.