Still sad about husband leaving

This is so true even if your husband has been a total shit you loved and cared for him you are grieving for what you’ve lost and also the future you thought you had together. I found this particularly hard we are both heading for retirement I thought we would have a happy fulfilling retirement together. I genuinely thought we were both in love with each other and happy! It takes time dto come to terms with the fact that this was all an illusion that our relationship was not what I thought and hope it was on both sides. I used to look at photos of us together and think “we looked happy there, were we, was he pretending was I pretending? I now think it was a bit of both because human emotions are complex.
I don’t think I’ll stop loving my ex in some way but I now realise our relationship was very bad for me as a person everything was about him, I came far done his list of things that mattered to him, and it was therefore very unhealthy for me but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t have good times and I have two amazing DCs.

I think you need to flip this on the head - you feel this way because you loved and cared for someone for 20 odd years - you are grieving for a loss of a family member and the future you imagined and that takes time. You are a kind person who cares about others. Be kind to yourself now and don't beat up on yourself - you just understandably need time.

Your son is a young adult. Mine are mid 20’s but my counsellor said their relationship between their father and them is not my problem or my job to facilitate or not. I do find this hard I want my DCs to have a good relationship with their dad but only they can sort this all out.
Yes please tell us 3 things that a nice and that you are going to do for yourself this week.
I’ll start I’m going to the garden centre to buy some plants I’m very lucky I’ve bought my husband out everything is mine (originally I thought I’d have to sell my lovely home) so I’m busy making my garden look lovely buying perennials because I now know I’m going to be here to enjoy them.
OP do live you live in a city/town/village/back of the buying? Do you have lovely walks, or museums, or shops you can go to and do something for yourself? Try a new hobby surprise yourself do something you’ve never even thought about doing. I’ve taken a
up a new hobby I’m totally rubbish at it but I love it.
Last year when I was at a real low point a friend said “book yourself something you love doing soonish something thar you can really look forward to” I did and it was made such a difference to me.

Good suggestion. Is that a possibility @Mollylegs ? Sending virtual hugs.

perhaps it would be better for you to move out of that road, you could stay in the same area but get away from being on top of your ex mil and sil.

I think the best thing you can do for your sanity is drop the rope about his family.

That is REALLY hard as his family were told allsorts of lies about me. But its really common. Ultimately he is their son, their blood and in a divorce he is their priority regardless of his bad decisions. If you were close to them you would want your own family to be loyal to you. In that sense his family are not unreasonable. Some acknowledgment before cutting ties would have helped. But actually if you were in touch you would hear all sorts of details about his new life that you do not need to hear. And actually over time even if they believed stuff at the start people figure stuff out and aren't stupid. Also some people just don't have the emotional maturity to carry on both relationships in a split-and they pick. Which looks black and white to you as an outsider.

None of it change's anything.

Why don't you tell us all 3 nice things you are going to do for yourself this week?

If i may make another observation. You say you only have yourself, well then please speak to yourself with a bit more kindness. All of your comments about yourself are putting yourself down. So working with a counsellor is an excellent idea to process the divorce and to work on your self esteem. And show yourself a bit more love and respect.

The past is now the past. Of course there are regrets and so on. But take pleasure in small things. A sunny day. A smile from a stranger. Hearing your son laughing with friends. Remind yourself that the world is mostly good, you just had a shitty run of it for a couple of years. Life can and will move on.

Take a vitamin d supplement. Get
Outdoors every day even if for a gentle walk. If you feel unused to walking alone put in headphones and listen to favourite songs or a podcast that will make You laugh.

Think about all the things you can do now that he held you back from. They wont happen overnight. But even watching your favourite tv show without him huffing from behind his newspaper is a freedom.

I’ve been there got the T shirt.
Do not be ashamed of course you’re struggling you are grieving the loss of a man you loved and the relationship you had together for 20+ years. And you’ve lost you friends in you MIL and SIL. Being alone after 20+ years is very hard especially if you don’t have friends. This is not self indulgent nonsense you have every reason to struggle.
But I can tell you life will be better people used to say this to me and I didn’t believe them but they were right I am a million times better off without him, I’m still sad I have a 40+ year history with my ex my entire adult life, and my divorce will be finalised in a few weeks as well which is hard but I am now finding a new happiness that I haven’t experienced in years.

Really great suggestion @beardediris

@Mollylegs I’ve been moving through heartbreak for more than two years now and at times I still feel like you do. I’ve found I have time to do some of the things I’d always wanted to but never could quite get to.

I also took some time to think about what activities my ex and I did together that brought me joy (not hard to do when you’re heartbroken) and found groups that did similar things. At first it was hard meeting up with groups of strangers, but I have made some lovely friends along the way.

”Start with small things. Buy new bedding. Decorate your room. Create yourself a haven.”
^^ This, assuming it’s your house now is your chance to have it how you want, This might sound ridiculous but I can finally arrange the saucepans in the drawer how I want them to be and as I live alone they are always like that every time I open the drawer I love it. Paint a wall a colour you’ve always wanted, get rid of that picture you’ve always hated but he loved, buy yourself a lovely plant, do what you want it’s your life now.
The one thing I would say is don’t always listen to people saying “oh you easily find someone else” or join on line dating” enjoy your freedom discover yourself work out what you really want from life.

One of the things my counsellor encouraged me to do was something for myself. My life had been my ex, my now grown up children and work. This was a totally new concept to me. A friend encouraged me to accompany her to an interest that she did once a week I had zero interest in it but because the task set by my counsellor that week had been to do something for myself it ticked the box. Much to my surprise I loved it, my friend said it was the first time she’d seen me look happy and even laugh in years. My friend has now dropped out but I still go and have made a couple of new friends. I think new friends are good they don’t ask me about my ex and I choose what I want to say about myself and my past.
From this I joined another group a different activity this time on my own and again I’m loving it.

I’m supporting friends through divorce, I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a cup of tea. I think yours is compounded by the huge change in routine losing your in laws as well that is really very difficult.

My friend was very down and I was genuinely worried for the state of her mind, they had been together for 30 years and he had been lying to her for months. She is doing a lot better now and there was a time she thought life was just very bleak.

It’s understandable to have a major wobble when the divorce is finalised as it’s a significant event. Try meet up online it’s free, I found a walking group that meet up on a regular basis through them.

By the time my divorce came through i was happy in a new home and with a new partner and life was great. But i still cried my heart out when the letter arrived. Although i made the best out of the situation it was not what i had wanted for me or my kids and i was sad for the life i would no longer have. I was grieving and it was painful. I don't think your pain is foolish.

Some help to process it and decide how to move on alongside your son as he moves on in his life might be good. Your home is a comfort right now but being SO close to your inlaws might be holding you back and in a years time a fresh start might be good. You want your son to spread his wings and live his life not worrying about his mum and feel he has to stay for you, so make that your reason to build yourself a new life now. What do you want? What would make you happy?

Start with small things. Buy new bedding. Decorate your room. Create yourself a haven.

I hope you find the right counsellor slightly ironically we went for private relationship counselling (in fairness not to get back together but to find an amicable way forward) and were assessed by the person who ran the organisation and she, with quite a degree of concern and only once permission had been obtained from my GP, referred me to the person I saw. She was amazing, absolutely life changing. the GP had advised that the counsellor had to tread very carefully and avoid distressing me even more and she managed somehow to do this but still challenge me and encourage me to think about what was going on and how I could resolve it.
I have previously seen other counsellors but with limited success. So find the right person for you.
Do see your GP, I was having serious sleep problems, couldn’t concentrate, wasn’t eating and having suicidal ideation, his help and the help of the MH team attached to my GP also made a big difference.
It really isn’t about learning to hate your ex they are what they are, hating them isn’t going to change them make them or realise how awful they’ve been to you or IMO long term going to make you feel better. Its all about you and how you can move forward and start to make a new and hopefully better life for yourself.

Do you have anyone anywhere? Could you move to be near family?