Still sad about husband leaving

You're not stupid. It hurts when someone you love so much treats you like disposable trash. You can't just 'be grateful' when your entire world turns upside down. You wanted a partner and a family.

Please get counselling it does help xx

My main problem is I still feel utterly heartbroken and I know I'm being stupid as he's been gone ages
No he hasn't. Don't be so hard on yourself and allow yourself to grieve. You were together for 22 years and he's taken away the future you thought you had.
My dh died after 19 years and I grieved for a good 3 years and still feel sad sometimes. I honestly think if I'd instead lost him to someone else I'd have grieved just as long.
I do have female friends that I already had. Could you chat to people online first. Eg. A local Facebook group or hobby group? Maybe if you get to know people online you'd at least have someone to chat to and might be able to meet in future.
What about anti depressants? They helped me after my sudden loss.
💐
Here's a cup of tea and biscuit too
☕🍪

OP

Your post proves what I have said on many threads. (not you) but many on MN that bang on about, "LTB"

I've always said its easier said than done and your post proves it
Try to go out more and what he has done to you and the kids as he is no nice guy doing that, trust me

If its mean to be, you will find someone nice but always be weary and never move too fast and ask questions, many questions - if the new man gets upset, then you've just missed meeting a not so nice man

Good luck

You've been betrayed by your husband, his mother and your sister in law - the three people you trusted most (apart from your son).

That's taken away all of your support system and your family. You should be absolutely livid. They should all be scared of coming anywhere near you.

Would you be interested in going to an exercise class once a week, where you could get to know some other women? I know you don't like going out but if you went at a time when you knew you wouldn't bump into that shower would that help?

What kind of area do you live in? Did you grow up there? Do you have any family?

I also thought of this thread. Someone looking for hobbies. Obviously some of them might not be accessible to you. But there might be something in there that sparks your interest or reminds you of something you used to enjoy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5028987-what-hobbies-do-you-do?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

That sounds like an extra burden you don't really need right now. Maybe just have a look at options to move. I would take living somewhere smaller over living opposite my ex-ILs. Even if they were nice!

You have been through a lot in the past two years. Your marriage of 20 years ended and your divorce is about to become final. Along with this you were very friendly with your mil and sil as your husband wanted to keep you at home. Because of this you may have lost some friends from the past and over time became reluctant to make friends.
Of course they have taken his side and have barely spoken to you since. Meanwhile you though you were happy and were planning what you do when you got to retirement age.

I think that you need to go to your GP and get a health check up and tell them how you feel. I think that you may be a bit depressed or even run down. Perhaps using some anti depressants or going on iron/vitamins tablets for a period of time could help you feel better.
I also think it a good idea that you redecorated your own bedroom. I know that your not keen in getting involved in online dating and that's your choice.

At the moment your living very close to your mil and your ex husband could be living with her.
I think this is not helping you. I know you said that you can't afford to move but have you gotten your home valued recently. I knew a lady in your situation and she got the family home. She lived in the house for a while and then sold the house to move to a smaller home
in the nearest town. She got involved in a few groups locally and built up a few new friendships. I would not discount moving to a new home either but I wait a while before making this decision.

Another thing to consider is that due to your marriage ending is that you won't end up caring for your ex husband like some woman I know. Nor will you be dealing with your ex mil as she gets older and could start needing care or be driven to place's. Your ex husband and sil can deal with all this in the future.

At this stage I start to make plans re groups or organisations that you can get involved with and then where you like to be in 6 or 12 months time. I know it won't be easy at 1st but you need to build up your own life and own friendships going forward.

An online course sounds great. And maybe there are other online clubs and activities that allow you to have contact with people without having to leave the house. Maybe start with joining FB groups for things you are interested in. Even if they don't lead to any socialising they might give you ideas for things you'd like to try.

I do think moving should be a longer term goal. You could move without having to 'move away'. Even moving half a mile away would probably do so much to improve your mental health. It will be harder to move on with your life while you have a constant reminder of the situation. And I'm willing to bet the unwillingness to leave the house will be at least in part because you don't want them to see you, to be wondering what you're up to, where your going etc.

Of course YANBU to still be upset about it. You were planning to be with this person forever and they have complete upended your whole life. And it sounds like you are in a very lonely situation. I'm sure you know your husband has been an absolute shit, but that doesn't stop you missing him and the life you thought you would have. You are grieving that. And on top of that the ILs have ditched you but you still live right on their doorstep. I know that hurts, but realistically that was always going to happen - that's their son/brother. They will side with him.

You mentioned counselling, which sounds like a good idea and I'm sure it will help you process your feelings. You need to start building a life for you now. Can you find some activities or clubs to join? Even if its just something. Maybe something you always wanted to try. Or a course to take. Something you are doing just for you. And as you start getting a bit more confidence you might start feeling able to get out and do more. Start small.

Hugs .
You need to cut ties and move on . Change area , step away from those people . It’s never too late to make friends and start again .

You are not being stupid at all. Your feelings are valid. Would you think someone was being stupid 20 months after their husband died? This is a type of grief.

I know how you feel OP, this happened to me. You are going through a grieving process and it took me quite a few years to feel ok again. Counselling helped a lot. My in-laws, initially very supportive, very suddenly cut me off after about five years. I was utterly devastated. It was like going through a bereavement. Now I see them all for what they are. And they've all lost out.

You will rebuild, you will find a way. It takes time and you can't rush it. One foot in front of the other

Do you walk your dog? Can you and your son drive somewhere and go for a lovely walk.
Your 3rd could be watching a film with you son, how about something you both love or makes you laugh, I love the first Jonny English, the first version of death at a funeral, or how about the wonderful film Intouchables with the beautiful Omar Sy you’ll both cry and laugh out loud, or watch a film he loves and you’ve never seen then talk about how you felt about it or play a game with your son we’ve got tiddlywinks here we were all surprised how much fun it is😀.