Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

“The BS on this thread about a working person being completely unable to cope with disrupted sleep whilst the new mother on mat leave is expected to exhaust herself is depressing and misogynistic. It's usually peddled by people that had relatively easy babies, could nap in the daytime and generally don't understand the level of exhaustion that some babies cause.”

Exactly. I’m baffled at some of these ‘poor man’ responses. Internalised misogyny. God forbid we inconvenience men in the unimportant work of nurturing their offspring…🙄

Funny how men like this can be good team players on the football pitch with their blokey mates, but not at home with their exhausted wife.

He needs to prioritise sleep during the night, so he can get up in the morning to allow you to catch up on sleep from doing all the night feeds. So for dh and I, this meant for a time, we slept separately. Me and baby in our bedroom and dh somewhere else - spare room, sofa, whatever. It meant I was waking up for the feeds, and dh got enough sleep during the night that he could get up for the day at 5/6am to take over while I then got the last bit of sleep.

This will also likely mean going to bed early. So if football or whatever is meaning he is not getting to bed in time to get enough sleep to cope with early morning parenting, he needs to come home and go to bed instead of playing football or whatever. This stage of having a baby and needing to trade off so everyone gets enough sleep to function is short and temporary. Other things need to be put on hold and then picked back up when life is easier and everyone is better rested.

Ebf a young baby is absolutely exhausting and you have my every sympathy but you are going to bed far too late. If you are awake twice during the night for an hour each time then you need to aim to be in bed for AT LEAST 10 hours. I was going doing the “last” feed at around 7pm, having a quick snack and maybe a 25min tv programme to wind down, and in bed by 8pm. At 10 weeks mine were probably waking up at around midnight and again at around 5/6am (youngest is 14 so I might be off a bit). I hated that stage because if I wake up at 5 I find it really hard to get back to sleep. I fed about 6:30- 7am no matter what time they woke up during the night because one of the things with sleep is to try and do as many feeds as is reasonable during your own waking hours so they can time their longer stretch of sleep for your sleeping hours.
If you could be arsed the most beneficial (in terms of your and DHs sleep) thing would be for you to express so dh can give a bottle at 10-11pm and settle baby before he sleeps so you can sleep from 8ish until the next night feed (4-6am) which is ages and DH can sleep from 11ish until 7ish.
Expressing is work though, and you may feel uncomfortable without that last feed and wake with sore boobs anyway. Don’t stay up all of the day and go to bed at 10:30. You will be knackered. In another month or so it will all be so much easier.

Are you even a mum? & did you read the post? She'd been up multiple times already before 4am & then had managed a max of 30mins after that. That isnt enough sleep to function on. I collapsed due to severe sleep deprivation as it isn't good to live on, nevermind being soely responsible for keeping a baby alive all day (to then have to do the evening as he's prioritising himself is something else quite frankly). She's also stated she doesnt ask him to get up for nappy changes, he chooses to do that despite it being useless to her as he doesnt even do them himself. What i think its unfair is that he gets up, doesnt help with anything, then goes straight back to sleep & then claims that he's exhausted too as 'he got up'. Thats absolutely useless to everyone. And you were simply unkind to a mum struggling with sleep, & an inbalance of hormomes, like most of us are/have been through.

YABU. There’s not much he can do if you are EBF and he’s going to work, you are punishing him for not having boobs! There’s no point you both being tired.

Sounds like you are severely sleep deprived which is not good for anyone. you need to somehow catch up by getting some daytime sleep. Have you got the carrycot attachment for your pram? If you have try pushing the baby out in the pram until they fall asleep and then carry the carrycot part in side so you can also have a nap?

Gosh I remember being so tired I drive round the block until LO nodded off and then fall asleep in the car on the drive for half an hour, anything for a bit more sleep!

it gets easier, hang in there!

Taking turns seems crazy, as no-one gets enough sleep. I used to do the night, and my husband did the early morning feed/nappy change before he started work.

I have an 8 week old and a toddler. DH sleeps in the spare room during the week because he has a high pressure job and he has to work. I am fine with this as I EBF so there’s just no need for him to help me overnight. Baby wakes 2-3 times. DH gets up with the toddler at 7am and gets him ready for pre-school while I doze with the baby.

Weekends he will be in with me and often help with nappy changes overnight.

I don’t think there’s any need for you both to be sleep deprived it makes no sense. Have you thought about sleeping separately and then your DH can take the mornings after he has had a good nights sleep? Don’t forget that your DH also has to go out and work.

Op you sound so tired.

One thing we did which helped was that at weekends we had one morning each. So on Saturday I did the first feed at about 6:30, handed the baby to dh and he left the room and left me sleeping until the next feed, about 3 hours.

On Sunday I took the baby out of the room at 6:30 and went downstairs, he then slept for a couple of hours.

Those lie ins at the weekend were so helpful, because we found it was the relentlessness of 7 days a week early mornings that was the last straw. If we knew we had one day when we could snuggle back into bed and sleep, that helped a lot.

When mine were babies I did all the night wakings with them and got up in the morning with them - I wasn’t earning and we relied on DP’s income so him getting enough sleep to function at work was important. I remember the sleep deprivation very well - but it’s different going to baby groups/getting the shopping/being at home doing housework, to having to be alert at work. These days don’t last forever, look after yourself, take it as easy as you can in the daytime and be kind to your DH too.

Op YABU but that's completely understandable - you're exhausted! You do need to find a way to rest during the day - I would prioritise stopping the 'contact napping'.

Why does he have to wake up if you're breastfeeding? the baby needs you, that's why they wake up.. to be fed.
You have a newborn, it's exhausting but it does get better. Try not to over think it.
he sounds like a nice chap, I'm sure he'll help you plenty of times as you experience parenthood together.

Divide and concur - babies need lots of attention and every time your doing something together someone is missing sleep time the other one can ‘cash in’ later!
we had clear split … hubbie did evenings and early mornings before work.
we have always had an ‘on duty’ mentality - things like holidays too … your ‘on duty’ for an hour or you keep him busy, I’m resting! We then swap instead of both feeling like we are constantly ‘on duty’.
after work he would take over for me to shower etc, he would then do ‘night shift’ from 8pm to midnight I would take over midnight to 6am, he would then take over until he went to work.
another thing I did was expressed and got by son used to taking a bottle so hubbie could give him a top up feed if needed.

Totally agree with this. I’m back in my office job now and despite being incredibly busy and high stress it is much, much easier to do on broken sleep than looking after my baby all day. A mum on maternity leave is still working, in a very important and relentless job.

Not everyone finds napping restorative. I have napped a handful of times as an adult and wake up each time feeling groggy and almost unwell. I also find it almost impossible to nap in the first place, no matter how exhausted I am. My body just seems wired to sleep at night and there isn't much I can do about that.

I also had a velcro baby that wouldn't be put down for daytime naps. They just never seemed to have the capacity to sleep independently in the daytime like they would at night. Believe me, I tried absolutely everything because I was desperate for some time to just rest and get stuff done but the reality was the baby would only sleep if lying on me or being pushed outside in a pushchair. If you have never had a baby like this then I know it's really difficult to comprehend and for so long I would believe that I was simply doing something wrong but years later I can see that the baby was also just wired that way. Some of us just have innate preferences when it comes to sleep and it can be very difficult to break these, especially when dealing with a tiny, little baby that can't be reasoned with.

The BS on this thread about a working person being completely unable to cope with disrupted sleep whilst the new mother on mat leave is expected to exhaust herself is depressing and misogynistic. It's usually peddled by people that had relatively easy babies, could nap in the daytime and generally don't understand the level of exhaustion that some babies cause.

So tell him not to get up with you during nappy changes. You must be able to grab a drink or pop to the loo during the day when he isn’t around. Then he can help in the morning, he’s also managing to do a job on broken sleep. Unfortunately it will never be 50/50 especially if your bf but this does seem slightly petty I’m afraid.

My husband did this with me for the first two weeks while he was on paternity leave just for a bit of moral support and sometimes sat with me while I fed for a little while just for some company. But not once he had gone back to work nor would I have expected him too. Fortunately he works for himself so would take the baby in the morning for a few hours so I could sleep. It’s silly him ops partner just for nappy changes, even if he does it off his own back, sleep and then he can help in the morning.

Hmm - I’ve had two kids and never managed to nap during the day? It’s wonderful back whenever you had children that you could easily sleep during the day (how?!) but most will find that difficult to incorporate while minding children and doing household tasks so maybe think a little about your privilege in being able to sleep during the day rather than putting down other women who can’t snooze throughout the day!

He has hobbies. I’m sorry but he now has a baby so hobbies are not his priority right now.
My husband would get up, change baby if needed and then bring baby to me to be fed and then burp and return baby to cot.

you said he has flexible work so he can pull his weight at home by prepping meals etc. no more haircuts when he could have baby and you could nap.

do you have anyone that come over and baby can sleep on them and you go have a nap in the day?

This is so untrue.

The worst case scenario of looking after a newborn baby badly is that the baby dies.

The worst case scenario of being sleep deprived at work (for your family at least) is redundancy and needing to get a new job.

Both me and my DP split parental leave, so we both had a spell as the "working" parent and the baby caring parent. It was so obvious that it's more important to be well rested looking after a baby. It's too important a job not to be.

Obviously it's more important that you are well rested looking after a vulnerable life than going to work.

To add to this - I went to sleep at 6pm until 10pm every evening and DP gave baby a bottle. DP slept 10pm-5am, so a solid 7 hours, then he took over at 5am and I got another good chunk of sleep before he went to work.

Feel free to use our schedule... But the main factor for good sleep is separate rooms so you both get time uninterrupted!

OP what you need to do is separate bedrooms - so while one of you is getting up with the baby, the other is getting interrupted rest so they'll be happy to help out.

Your DP is getting disturbed at every wake-up, as are you, neither of you are sleeping enough.

Sleep in separate rooms and "switchover" in the morning around 5am so you get a solid chunk of uninterrupted sleep in the morning too.

It's the only way you'll both cope.

Jeez these replies 🙄 God forbid a ‘working man’ loses a drop of sleep! Is he an air traffic controller? If not, fuck that. He can do his bit.

Op look, my yardstick is to ask yourself if you have the energy to go and play football? If not, then he’s clearly taking the piss and isn’t pulling his weight.

Sodding off to football or swanning off to get coffee while his exhausted fatigued wife is struggling is a dick move and one that needs nipping in the bud. You don’t have a baby then carry on like you were before. You are supposed to be a team.

I have a 10 week old who is ebf. She wakes up a few times a night. The main thing I do is not put her to bed until quite late. When she has naturally fallen asleep.. this can be anywhere from 10pm till midnight. I have her in a next to me, and I just roll over and fees her whenever she wakes for milk. I wear silicone earplugs so only wake if she actually cries. I find that she will drift off after each feed until late morning. 10am etc. In this way I am getting around 8 hrs sleep despite my husband doing none of the night feeds or waking at all during the night. I also do not change nappies at night unless she has done a poo and is clearly wanting a change. Or if she has leaked.
I personally think you are starting with a routine too early and it's meaning you aren't getting any sleep whatsoever.
It's not necessary for a newborn baby to go to bed at a set time like 7pm. All that means is you get less sleep as they will wake for the day super early.
I also think in the first few months just don't expect to get out of the house in the morning, don't expect to be able to do as much housework as normal either. Prioritise your sleep.
I never expected my husband to help during the night once he had gone back to work following paternity leave.
I do expect him to take baby downstairs if she wakes early on his days off. But never when he's working.
But that hasn't really been a problem tbh as I've just factored in that I need a longer period of trying to sleep.. like 11 hours. To account for the wake ups.
I have 2 other children too.. this baby is my third. And I still manage to do that. My husband drops the other children off at school on his way to work. So I sleep in with the baby to make up for the night waking.
I basically think you should be putting baby down later and just factoring in that you will need a longer stretch in which to sleep. Making husband get up during the night just for the sake of it is pointless.. it's not really helping you if you ebf.

Two babies, both ebf for year or more - so did all nights. Zero point to him waking up during night unless you’re afraid you’ll fall asleep feeding? Get him to sleep in spare room if you have one and then he does every morning (including weekends) and if you can go to bed early at night with baby and let him do all the house bits. Its works for us but I can’t imagine my husband demanding to go out for football with a very small baby if I was exhausted. You’ve both had a child and both your lives have to change, also I promise it gets easier, I’m still feeding a two year old at night and honestly hardly wake up myself. Mind yourself in the moment and take it easy today.

*10 week