Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

Do you know what is batshit? Women competing with each other to be the best wife/maid/mother! Do you want a medal for doing every night?

Some of these posts are horrific! I feel like I've been transported back to 1940 where women kept their mouths shut and did everything when it comes to the home and children and the man can sleep uninterrupted/go to the pub/do hobbies/relax whenever he wants to because he's a man.

Such bullshit.

OP, I feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is horrific and I fully understand why it is used as a torture method.

I think as others have said, you need a routine for your sleep. A solid one. Dad needs to get up at the agreed time if you are EBF and doing all night.

People forget that being a Mum is a full time job plus some. I used to laugh at anyone telling me to sleep when the baby sleeps. It was my only chance to eat, wash my clothes or actually put a brush through my hair.

Both of you need sleep, it doesn't matter how you do it, where or when as long as you are both sleeping a solid few hours.

My DD is 11 months now and sleeps 7:30-7 but I don't think that feeling of sleep deprivation will ever leave me, I can remember it vividly. It will pass xxx

@saffy2 How do you manage to sleep knowing you're willingly putting your baby's life at risk?

@CocoBellaSparkle Do you realise the baby is 10 weeks old, not 10 months? Putting a 10 week old in nursery is such a sad thought.

Nappy capacity is not one size fits(holds) all.
My DS was eating like a calf. No nappy in the world could hold it if it was fit to his waist. You cannot put size 5 on a 2m old baby, it will leak everywhere.
DD was eating normally and almost never had issues with nappy.

Back to OPs post.

• DH needs to start sleeping through nappy change. Earpluggs, sofa, something.
• You need to go to another bed/sofa if it exists and sleep at least for 2h uninterrupted in the morning.

And hopefully the SC are not down to you to care, clean, launder, cook, entertain etc. That's the parent's job!

Why is anyone getting up for a nighttime nappy change? Unless it's a pooey one, disposable nappies are designed to keep a dry layer next to the skin so a wee or two is fine until morning. Don't make unnecessary work for yourself!

(I co-sleep and BF so baby can keep me awake sometimes if sleeping restlessly. Payoff is easier to get him back to sleep after a wake.)

My Dh takes baby for two hours every morning whether baby is asleep or not so I get some uninterrupted sleep. If he's asleep he sleeps on DH, if he's awake they play. DH gets DS1 off to school and brings me DS2 back and more often than not DS goes to sleep for another little while. DH never does any night wakings and never has but this way he can go to work clear-headed and I can function. Could you do this? Less than two hours is a lot less helpful imo, I think it must get me some REM sleep or something.

I have a EBF 4 week old. My partner is sleeping downstairs, baby is in bed with me and I feed him lying down and just swap us from side to side, latch him and go back to sleep. It’s way easier. He’s my third and I wish I’d done it this way with the others.
this way also my partner is able to be awake for the others during the day but also in the night (doesn’t happen often but has been known) without disturbing me and baby.
i don’t change nappies during the night unless it’s a poo 👀😂

I think all parents have these rows about who is most tired and who gets to sleep in, who had the most/least sleep at some point in the early years. Agree with everyone who has said why is your DH waking up for a nappy change? Seems silly let him sleep all night - in another room if necessary - on the proviso you get to rest in the mornings. It is exhausting ebfeeding in these early weeks and months, but does get easier over time.

Agree with PPs that sleep for either parent is absolutely key! Both getting up seems crazy!

I was home while DH was back at work after two weeks, so it made sense that he got some sleep before doing a manual and potentially dangerous job. I bottle fed so we had a four hourly routine which was obviously quite nice - but I slept in DCs room and let DH get some rest before driving to work. I know EBF babies wake more, and all situations vary - but I can't imagine a scenario where both parents should lose sleep if they don't need to.

But your DH really needs to step up in the evenings - football does not take precedence over a newborn and an exhausted Mum! Read him the riot act now!

My thoughts on this

• where baby is bottle fed, or we take a bottle, then I think nights should be shared/alternated. That's what we did with my first and neither of us were tired. And I don't mean mum has to give up her evening by sleeping, whilst dad watches films but taking it in turns to get to sleep in the middle of the night! Its incredibly sexist to expect women to be in their knees with exhaustion to ensure that men aren't a bit tired 🙄
• if EBF and if baby won't take bottle, then tough luck, it's all on mum! This was me and my second (not deliberately). In that case, there's no point dad being up for solidarity, but he can absolutely do every morning and take as much pressure off you in other ways.
• don't assume this is a short term problem, and things will get better for sleep imminently. If they do, fab. But don't use that hope as a reason to not come up with a solution now. Most babies I know were still waking a couple of times a night well into toddlerhood of beyond.
• that being said, 5.5 hours with a young baby - I'd take that. That (broken) would have been a great night for the first few years of my youngest 's life, and even now (aged 5, some disabilities), it's about average. Optimistically.

I feel for you. I really struggled with the lack of sleep and adult company. The lack of sleep and energy made it hard.

It does get better as they get older but it’s tough at the newborn stage.

It really bugs me when people put more value on the person whos in the paid job! Are other people’s lives in your husband’s hands while he’s at work? Does he have another human 100% dependant on him to stay alive? Why do people think that you should have less sleep just because you’re not doing a paid job? Looking after a newborn is a difficult 24/7 thankless job. I take my hat off to single parents! Not a clue how they do it! They must be exhausted! You wouldn’t allow your child to be looked after by a childcare provider that said they’d only had a few hours of sleep & was delirious with exhaustion so why do people thing it’s ok for mum (primary carer) to do it. Set some proper time schedules so you can both maximise sleep.

I think you need to sleep separately for a while so one of you gets an unbroken sleep and can then relieve the other to facilitate sleep. No point you both having broken sleep.

OP - your reply is just as horrible as this posters comment! Mentioning her children isn’t very appropriate imo!

Could you not put LO in a nursery one or two days a week? As it sounds you’re not coping too well on your own.. or a family member? What’s the longest LO will nap in the day? Only from 6am til way after 8pm sounds like a very long day for a baby not to have a nap.. could you speak to your GP or health care worker for some advice ? About getting LO in a routine to sleep so you can have cat naps ..

Ebf is difficult but immensely rewarding. I too had a contact napper and to begin with a contact sleeper full stop.

After 10 weeks I put a single bed in DDs room and I slept in there. Nights were my responsibility - I'd out him to bed then go to bed myself in DDs room. I'd wake/feed/change/sleep in his room until 4am.

At 4am I'd go to my real bedroom and DH would take over DS. I'd then get a solid 4 hours sleep before DH started work (sometimes 3 if DS was crying for a feed).

DO you have a room you and your little one could move into? It's silly your OH being woken up for no reason. Yes he's not stating up but broken sleep is awful in whatever form. Sounds like you guys need to work out an alternative arrangement to the current one as its making you both cranky.

Remember this phase doesn't last forever! And the added bonus of you sleeping in baby's room is its less of a transition for baby when they move to their own room without you at 6 months as they're already in theor own room!

I feel like a good compromise here would be for you to sleep in separate rooms 1-2 nights a week each. You’d have to express to do it, but if 2 nights a week (work nights) your partner took the late shift and got baby settled into bed after a bottle at bedtime, then sleeps in a different room he can get a good rest. Then on the weekend, you do late shift by BFing baby, then sleep in a separate room and let him wake to do nappy changes/feeds during the night. You both get 2 full nights sleep that way.

@fellinlovewithawar just read your latest reply (still not read all the comments but seeing your reply tells me I don't want to). Regarding the nappy leaking, the theory is they shouldn't leak wee overnight, they should be big enough to hold it until morning (the nappy, not the baby lols). What we found with our baby was that they were ready to go up a size without us realising it. Another option is to try a different brand at nighttime.

Sorry if you've tried/know all this already and I'm teaching you to suck eggs.

Glad to see you've come up with a plan xxxx

I've not read all the comments but can't believe how much I have read "partner works, let him sleep". Wtaf do those posters think op is doing all day??? Having a nice lazy day with her feet up watching Netflix?! Staying at home with baby, same thing, same four walls, baby won't go down for a nap ON TOP of being stay at home mum of a newborn IS work. Without the change of scenery or company of colleagues.

Anywho, off my soap box.

What I DO agree with is that you're both exhausted and adjusting to a new way of life and living. I agree nappy changes unless a poo or won't settle don't need changing overnight. I do agree there's no point your partner being up overnight if you're EBF and haven't got expressed milk to give. EBF is HARD and unless you've done it, noone, not even your partner, can understand the implications of this.

My advice would be the same as I've seen in some PPs: go to bed at 8, leave baby with dad until night time feed, where he's brought in to you to feed and dad then settles baby in the cot. Yes you're disturbed but you're still in bed. Then you do the night shift, he does early morning. And more importantly, he needs to take the baby off you (if you want) as soon as he gets in.

Good luck, I promise it gets easier and my inbox is open if you want to DM me. You've got this xxx

Do you have the step kids when he is doing his hobby? How much parenting of them does he do @fellinlovewithawar

There's really no point him waking in the night to watch you change a nappy. Learn to breastfeed lying down and snooze whilst feeding, keep baby close so you're not getting out of bed each time baby wakes. Then your partner can look after the baby for an hour or so in the morning, and again when they get home from work for a few hours, so that you can shower, chill, nap, etc. But honestly waking him at night is counterproductive.

You’re not working as a team here, whilst one is feeding the other should be allowed to sleep, then the other should allow the feeder to sleep to catch up. Having 2 tired parents serves no one. Why are you not sleeping in the day? If you put the baby down in bed & you go to bed you might find you both sleep. Don’t have the baby in bed with you. If you are struggling can you ask a friend or relative for help to sit with the baby whilst you catch up on sleep. You will find good sleep makes everything better. Speak to your health visitor if you are struggling.best of luck