Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

After a tough couple of weeks with baby DP & I have a new system if it helps OP… I go to bed at 10 or earlier with DS, he usually sleeps 3 hrs ish on his first stint. DP gives him a bottle at 1 for the first wake up & then moves into spare room till he gets up for work at 7/8ish.. so he’s often had a good couple of hours sleep, an hour wake to feed / change / resettle then another solid 5 or 6 hours sleep. I go to bed early then am on duty from 2ish, DS will usually wake 3/4am and then one or two wake ups but I will have had at least 5/6 hours sleep before hand. We both get some sleep, both feel like we are contributing (less resentment from me when I am up multiple times in the night) & we both get a couple of hours in bed together at the start of the night to cuddle so we aren’t apart the whole time, often we both go up at 9 and I will drift off while DP watches TV

My DH doesn’t do evening, night or morning.
I’ve been sleeping in max. two hour chunks for four months but I have to ‘fix’ my bad attitude about it.

It strikes me this whole issue totally depends on circumstances. I agree being a SAHM is a full time job. This actually means it should be treated as such. My DH traveled over an hour on the motorway to work leaving the house at 7am then another 20 mins to his destination. As if I was going to expect him to do this 5 days a week on practically no uninterrupted sleep through the night. I would have feared for his life behind the wheel of a car. He was brilliant at the weekends and holidays but my full time job at the baby stage was the baby. Dh full time job was working all hours making money until the nursery years and my return to part time work when we could both sleep through the night.

The replies on this seem off to me. Yes he has work, but you have the baby all day. You both have sleep needs. The idea that he should never be disturbed because he has work is archaic.

I never said that I never picked my children up when they needed it to be fed etc, but after feeding/comforting them they were put back in their cot to sleep. It was not cruel and did them no harm whatsoever. Let’s agree to disagree.

Not mad…just heard of and understand the fourth trimester. Times have changed, we don’t leave our babies without meeting their needs anymore. If babies need to be held (and we know that they do because we understand that they don’t actually understand they are separate to their mums as a newborn because they are in the fourth trimester) then most mums wouldn't not hold them.
and yeah I do think it’s pretty cruel that if you put your baby down and they wake up crying because they want to be held that you wouldn’t pick them up and hold them, feed them,
rock them, put them in a sling, walk them in a pram etc.
but I accept we are from different
generations and that’s the way it was done then. Im glad I’ve had my children in a time when it’s not frowned upon to hold your children when they need it.

Are you mad? Why is it cruel for a newborn to sleep in their cot? Mine slept in a cot from the day they were born and were just fine.

I’m also a childminder and have been for many years.
we are talking on this thread about a newborn baby…obviously I think you’ve missed that. Or at least im hoping you have. Because surely you wouldn’t be so cruel as to sleep train a newborn baby.
ive had three kids…I’ve reaped what I’ve sewn, the eldest is 14 😂 middle is 5. My eldest I tried to force like you suggest to sleep elsewhere (once he was past the newborn stage) and he was an extremely anxious child and an absolutely terrible sleeper, even now.
My 5year old who I understood the fourth trimester and carried her in the sling a lot etc is the best sleeper of all of my friends 5 year olds, she’s also extremely secure in herself.
I wouldn’t dream of forcing my newborn to sleep by himself when he has literally just been born, I can’t believe anyone would be that cruel. And you say it almost proudly 😳 I wouldn’t be proud of acting that way personally…

As have I, both are now grown, I’m also a childminder so have looked after many babies in my time. Babies will sleep wherever you train them to sleep. Time and time again parents tell me that their child will only sleep while being rocked etc, but that’s because they facilitate this. As soon as kids realise that the expectation is different from them, they adjust. My kids never once slept in my bed, weren’t carried in a sling and always slept well in their cot because that is what they knew. You reap what you sow.

I’ve had three babies and I’ve yet to get one who sleeps anywhere except on me, in the sling, or in a moving pram during the early days. Mine is the same age as the ops and he won’t sleep unless on the boob, in the sling or in a moving pram,
wakes the second he comes off the boob, he is put down at all or the pram stops.
how would you facilitate sleeping while the baby sleeps during the day?! I am managing, so I’m actually fine. By feeding him lying down at night and co sleeping, I’m actually not that sleep deprived. But the ridiculous mantra of sleep when the baby sleeps really pissed me off with the other two. It’s quite frankly the most
ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!! In my experience with my own, and other babies ive come across it’s absolutely not the norm for a newborn baby to be put down and sleep long enough for the mum to nap too. So that kind of
advice isn’t at all helpful and instead perpetuates the idea that something is wrong with their baby or they are doing something wrong with their baby, when actually their baby is just being a totally normal baby experiencing the fourth trimester!

Exactly, it's ridiculous!

Apparently if your partner doesn’t do this then you married wrong…you need to have partner who works full time allowing you to be a SAHM, does 50% of everything with the children (even though you’re the SAHM) on and hires a ‘maid’…..

I honestly don’t understand all these posts from people complaining that their partner isn’t doing their fair share through the night/early morning. Surely if he’s going to work it makes sense that you get up and let him sleep then you can sleep when the baby does throughout the day. There’s no way I would have expected my husband to do night feeds/early mornings before going to work, that’s just crazy imo.

I am not trying to let everyone know I have “lots of money” and “a perfect husband”. I am trying to make the point that there are men out there who will be a lot more supportive than most of the men I read about on these threads.

It sounds to me that you make out being a SAHM is easy because then you “don’t need” his contribution (as you know you won’t get it anyway). Caring for a child, setting up play dates, craft activities, making sure they eat a nutritious diet, playing with them, reading to them, making sure all their clothes fit, making sure they’re up to date with medical appointments, considering school options…is a lot. Mine no longer naps and we limit screen time, so I have a lot of time to fill each day. Different people find different things tough, but it’s a lot easier if you choose someone who values your contribution and sees you as a partner, rather than a slave.

I’m not bitter about you having a maid…I’d find that very awkward, but yes probably a UK thing. You sound like you are just trying to let everyone know you have lots of money, a perfect husband etc.

As I said I don’t find it as difficult as working but everyone will have their own experience.

it is not helping

stop perpetuating that men are helping and mums are parenting. Fucks sake. No wonder this shit happens.

I sound “stuck up” because I have a maid? You sound incredibly bitter.

I don’t live in the UK. I appreciate maids are not the norm in the UK. My point remains that being a SAHM is still a full time job in itself, even without household chores.

A maid 😂😂😂 do you live in downtown abbey? You sound completely stuck up on your reply.

Well done on your perfect life….to be honest I don’t find being a SAHM anywhere near as demanding as a full time job.

Are these replies some sort of joke? OP if he has the energy to play football and you’re running on fumes then this is your answer.. he certainly isn’t doing enough.

people on here “but he works full time waaaaah” yeah ok.. he needs some sleep but women have to work full time and bring children up? Why aren’t men expected to do the same 🤔..

OP he should be helping with the odd nappy change at night (that’s generous can I add!) if it was me and I was ebf I would expect him to wake up and do it unless I was already awake from feeding! Because in between it’s important you get some rest.

when do you get to go and have a hobby and a nice relaxing coffee with friends without baby in toe?.. this really doesn’t sound fair. He should at least be getting up from 6am if that’s when baby wakes so you can restore.

you need to sit down and explain to him that if he doesn’t start helping more then some weeks he will have to miss his football and coffee meet ups etc so you can use that time to catch up on sleep.. this is absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t become the scapegoat parent!! Trust me, it won’t ever end.. it will only get worse as they get older and everything will land on you to sort out, I’ve been there and done it with 5 children! Whilst my ex/husband tried taking the easy route out.. it wasn’t until I sat with my husband to say how alone I felt and that I may aswell be single doing this on my own that he actually thought “shit I best sort myself out”!

you need to be honest.. don’t be a walkover, if your exhausted and he’s got the energy to swan off and play football and meet friends for coffee he’s got the energy to help with nappy changes and getting up earlier to let you rest.

honestly the pathetic replies your getting on here is disgusting and no wonder men treats women so appallingly a lot of the time if this is the standard set! OP I hope you manage to find a solution to this, be honest and firm xx

I presume the ebf is a choice. Not sure what the point in him waking up for the nappy changes is or you wanting him to wake up every time you do, if its only you who can feed baby. The football thing is cheeky though, that's parenting time.

OP, you are making a rod for your own back by not allowing your baby to impact your partner’s hobbies. I did that. We now 6 years in and his life has barely changed. I am lucky if he will ‘babysit’ our son twice a year so that I can go to the shops by myself. He once told me that if I wanted to go to look at the shops in a town close to where we’d just move to, I would need to invite his mum along so she could mind DS if I wanted to try something on.

Well as long as you have a beautiful home…that’s what’s important, right?

I have all of that AND a supportive DH. I had a very demanding career that I am now taking a break from to enjoy my DD whilst she is young, but my DH understands that being a SAHM is also a job (and we have a maid so it’s not like I have to do all the housework as well). It is mentally exhausting in a different way, but mentally exhausting nonetheless.

If she wakes in the night, we still deal with it together. We are a team.

Introduce some formula feeds - not only will it mean you can share the load a little more, but baby will sleep for longer - you might even get some decent sleep during the day, fingers crossed.

EBF versus mixed with formula makes zero difference - my first baby of four is the only one who wouldn’t BF, now at age 21 he’s super close to me (we speak every day and he picks me up to hug me each time he comes home), he played rugby on the Bath squad and he got straight A*s and is now doing dentistry at uni. So much pressure on new mums - give yourself a break.

Don’t do who’s more tired, and it is harder to go to work and switch brain on with no sleep than it is to stay at home with a newborn (I’ve done both) - plus there’s the danger of falling asleep driving. Look after both of you and baby x

I don’t think I ‘married terribly’ at all. Me and my DS live in beautiful home, I’m able to buy him what he needs without giving it a second thought and as old fashioned as it sounds that’s because of my DH. He works long hours running his business and I would rather take the hit on being tired than him. I had a demanding job before going on maternity leave and I don’t think I could function there being woken up several times a night. (although I do also recognise that some people need to go back to work and so they make it work) I don’t think it means my DH is crap..it just means it works for us. Also if your baby is EBF it’s actually not possible unless you want to express.

the OP has explained her DH has a fairly relaxed job, mine doesn’t. In her case then it may be reasonable to share night time feeds..although she does also say her baby is EBF so not sure how that works.

your generalised view is silly

@fellinlovewithawar I don’t have much to go on here other than what you have said on here so all I’m going to say is that your DP needs to shape up and help out even if that means that he gets up to do the one nappy change a night so that you can have some sleep he needs to find something that he can do to help out at the minute he’s getting away with the doing the bare minimum because your letting him and that’s not good for you. And as for all the nasty judgemental comments that you have gotten on here stop feeding the trolls let them fucking starve just water off a ducks back their comments they know they are being gobshites that’s why they do it. I hope you and your DP can come up with a solution that will work for you both you mostly just because he works doesn’t mean that his need for sleep and not giving a hand trumps your need for sleep.