Money in a relationship

You need a will, stating what you want to happen to your half.(in event of you not being able to say)

If he's financially tight then a will makes sure your children get something (you may need a letter aswell as the will)

How does he treat you otherwise?
Stay strong , talk to a trusted person irl

'penalised for earning more?' what an idiot?
Err no, flip it round, you are fortunate that you can earn more and take the pressure off your family.
If you weren't working and all the pressure was on him I'd have little sympathy, but you are working a fair amount of hours per week in a job that is good for you, you are good at, and it is good for your MH. It's not your fault it is a job that pays less, that's how it is. He needs to wake up and stop being petty.

Putting aside this issue, do you think your relationship is broadly good? Because if it is, then I think the challenge is getting him to see things from another perspective. Sometimes, I find that writing this down for Dh can be better - allows him to read and absorb without getting defensive or me getting angry. So could you write down some of the points here - the salary sacrifice you have made, the free childcare you have done, the increased mental and physical load of the household/childcare tasks etc.

However, that only works if deep down you are both equally committed to solving the problem. And it's not entirely clear that's true from what you've said so far.

Thank god you both own the house.

What are your thoughts on leaving the job you enjoy and changing to something higher paid (you mentioned this earlier in the thread)

I’m not trying to be harsh but the way he is acting is not the way you act when you love someone. He’s selfish. He doesn’t give a shit about you. You’d be better off without him, sweetie. Sorry if that’s not helpful but this is no life for you. He told you to fuck off, that is abuse in my eyes.

I suspect that if you start paying attention and noting it all down you'll find its a lot less 50/50 then even you realise and that the mental load is mostly yours to carry. Unless you also work 6 days that's a day's worth of overtime he couldn't earn without you doing more than a fair share of everything home and child related. Unless that is he looks after DC several evenings on his own or does the vast bulk of care on day 7? If you are spending more time caring for DC then he is because or his working hours then you are directly contributing to his ability to work those hours.

This response tells you where you stand, he's not even willing to give you the time of day and is happy to leave you skint and handling enough of the load he can do his overtime and earn more money off your back.

Oh dear sounds like financial abuse possibly,he doesn't sound very caring or concerned about you.
If you become dependent on him do you think he'd like that? Could that be his aim?

Keep calm and try and talk him through your thoughts,your reasoning etc and if he acts like he's not listening not caring not going to change then you need to consider your options regarding if he's right for you.

You can’t make him contribute more financially but you could contribute less non financially. Who does the laundry, changes the bedding, appointments, food shopping etc?

Are you on the mortgage / deeds of the house as your not married
if you split you will walk away with very little

could he do his job if you didn’t facilitate the pick up / drop off for the kids

if it’s a no then he’s just a selfish prick who sees you as less important

he would rather see you broke and worn out than put a bit more money into the pot

he’s told you what he thinks is fair

it’s up to you if you stay and carry on
although it’s not easy to walk away

He’s a pig

You should be working as a team to build a good life for your family unit. It doesn’t matter who earns what, you’re in this thing called life together.

Do you jointly own your home?

Tell him that the only way you can continue 50/50 is to downsize and to sacrifice activities for your kids. It might put things into perspective for him when you can’t afford to do things but he can.

Having an equal partnership doesn't equate to exactly equal financial contributions. An equal partnership is when both have a proportionate amount of funds left over after the necessities have been paid.
But maybe I am old school as I'm a housewife and still have joint access to funds. Your DP sounds immature and extremely selfish. That would give me the ick big time.

He’s being unreasonable.

We have a similar arrangement. Our wages are paid into our own account and we both pay a sum into a joint account to cover bills, mortgage, food, and other joint costs. The amount we pay is based on our income, it’s not 50/50.

Invoice him for 50% of the childcare you did while on maternity.

Oh OP, this is SOOO sad. So while you worked part-time, you STILL paid half the bills AND lost out on earnings and pension AND you, as a couple, didn't pay childcare?

I'd be so annoyed right now I'd be backdating all the childcare I did for free and presenting him with an invoice.

And that's not even counting all the extra you do currently to facilitate his job. I bet you do the drop offs/pick ups, holiday cover and sickness too?

For me, this would be a dealbreaker. I could not live like this. It smacks of disrespect for you and your role in the family.

I really hope that your name is on the title deeds of the house.

This only works if the OP is benefiting from him working extra hours, which she isn't.

She doesn't have to pick up the slack for him domestically because he's not doing the same financially.

My DP earns about 16k more than I do, however he also has more outgoings. We split it so he pays all the bills and I pay for food. We both have respective personal payments like phone etc. If I run out of money he'll pick up the shopping, if he is tight I'll help him out. What we have we share tbh. Otherwise it isn't a partnership,

Do you talk together and plan decisions?

Agree with a pp that it doesn't sound like he ever expected to support you financially.

You need to talk about plans and expectations. This is how you flush out the arseholes - before planning a pregnancy, if they aren't willing to marry you, share finances or support you on maternity leave you walk the fuck away.

You should not be paying half of the mortgage if your name isn’t on it

What stands out is your not married, are you on the mortgage? He's withholds money when you were on mat leave and expected you to contribute 50percent. Do you pay for the childcare? He sounds like an awful person.

If you paid 50/50 while on maternity leave on a reduced income after giving him children you are delusional that he will ever share some of the "slack".

What happens if you become ill? How could you give 50/50 on PIP.

I will say it again, I don't think he even likes you. Let alone loves you. Am sorry your in this situation.

You paid 50% on maternity leave and he didn’t even consider putting any money in a pension for you while you saved him on childcare and facilitated his career?! Let me guess if a child is off sick from school it’s down to you as even though you are working he deems his job more important. This is not a man who respects or cares about you.