Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

I think you will end up leaving, though it may take you years.

He gets to present to the world as a family man based on your hard work and love and I don’t think that’s fair to you. The world should see him as the abusive person he is.

I think there is a difference between:

You are being stupid and
You are stupid.

I don't think the first phrase is too bad.

What a stupid thing to say.

She didn’t need an excuse - she was getting him away from her crying daughter.
He called her a useless piece of shit 4 times in front of a little girl, do you really think she should have let him carry on? Fgs.

Please ignore the advice of those minimising his behaviour. You did the right thing stepping in, you don’t leave a four year old to get abused by her father in the fear of undermining his (abusive) parenting); it is your job to protect your children.

You need to leave him. The relationship is extremely unhealthy for you and your girls. Can you imagine how you would feel if they ended up with partners just like him? That is what is being modelled for them.

pushing someone screaming in your face is not wrong, please don't be thinking you didn't something wrong here - it isn't wrong to push someone that will not move so you can remove yourself and child from the situation

what is wrong is this person screaming abuse in your face

I mean @alloweraoway I pushed my ex when he had cornered me, followed me after I'd tried to break the situation and stop the escalation and he followed me, shouting abuse and using the fact he is larger and stronger than me to intimidate me. Presumably I was in the wrong to do this. I was abusive. I was the worst in this situation because shock shock I made it physical. Never mind the years of emotional and verbal abuse I'd received from this man. Never mind the fact he repeatedly physically intimidated me and made me fear for my wellbeing. It amazes me how much people will downplay other forms of abuse.

I don’t want to repeat what everyone else has said however - you’re not a U.K. citizen? Do you have indefinite leave to remain? Are you able to work or claim benefits? What about housing rights? I’m guessing if you’ve moved a lot you don’t own a house? So you wouldn’t be able to ask for an order where you stay in the house until the children grow up etc?

Because if you take the advice (which I agree with) to leave him, but open up to anyone IRL about this, they’ll have a safeguarding duty to report and this could get messy faster than you’d like - if you can’t leave right now because of the above.

if that’s the case, what do you need to do to resolve it so that you can work and claim benefits? Because that should be your priority - it might need to be a medium term plan to get your ducks properly in order before you leave.

@alloweraoway it's like verbal abuse is not as bad as physical. Like there are levels like the fact that she has tried to remove him from the room is somehow worse than her being subjected to verbal abuse in front of her child. My suspicion, i obviously don't know, but I suspect this is the latest in a pattern of behaviour towards op. And quite often, women who have been subject to a campaign of emotional, verbal abuse and threatening behaviours will snap. Please do tell OP what she should have done in your opinion. You clearly have that much more experience than her.

Ten years is a long time and I will be praying for you. He is abusive and as they say practice makes perfect. It will get worse most likely. In the end I ran away from the same situation.

Hmmm let me guess, he works loads of hours and then awards you with a long holiday somewhere hot, but somehow you are not grateful enough for that… The balance in your relationship is off, whether you can work it through with lots of soul searching and counselling depends if you both want it equally. Does he want to work less, do more housework and take the kids to the beach by himself? If he doesn’t know how, is he willing to learn…

You should leave. He expects you to manage everything while he does what he wants and if that can't happen he is aggressive and in front of your child.

Gently....leave him...

He called his dd stupid. Do you sit back and watch while your dh insults your child?

@ReadingSoManyThreads

She was pushing a man out of a child's bedroom who was screaming profanity and abuse in her face FOUR times. That's a mother protecting her child and herself from an abusive man. Do not dare try to make out like OP did something wrong. She's not the abusive one here. Shame on you.

Totally agree.

I agree he sounds awful, but the OP made it physical, and there is no excuse for that, none at all, ever. yes. There is. How about we start with self defence from someone screaming verbal abuse in her face causing a young child to cower sobbing under the covers sobbing. Let’s not pretend this is anything like domestic violence. It isn’t.

OP your daughter didn’t deserve to be called stupid but there are a few on this thread who absolutely fit that description.

what? They were screaming at each other, and she turned it physical! of course she is in the wrong for that. No question.

His behaviour was obviously completely out of line.

However, op...I think you also need a bit if a reality check with your dc. Your total minimising of one dc's bad behaviour is not good. 'Playfully' refusing to do as told for several minutes? Um, no.

They are not your 'best friends' as you've posted and this sort of attitude towards dc won't end well. They can have friends at school, that's not you - you're their parent.

I think your actions were right and proper. Calling a child stupid isn't acceptable, nor was verbally abusing you in front of your child. I'd have done the same to get him out of the room.

Sounds like he's lovely and nice when he's getting what he wants. But not when he has to do things he doesn't want to, such as play or parent his children, or look after a house.

You've also told us you don't think he'd throw away the relationship. Of course he wouldn't, why would he? He's got a cook, cleaner, childminder on tap, so all he has to do is go to work. Of course see he won't throw that away.

“Undermined him in front of her daughter” by saying her daughter isn’t stupid? I really hope you’re not a parent! Thank god she intervened before her husband destroys her daughters self-esteem and teachers her bad behaviours by name calling his own daughter for doing something that absolutely all children do!

He called the daughter stupid.

She absolutely should have gone in.

You can't "undermine" verbal abuse you only stop it.

You're joking right?

Given that your daughter was being a bit stupid, to ask her to stop being stupid was not wrong.

You both need to be more respectful in your communication.
You were over tired and he was over tired too.
When you are not over tired discuss seeking professional couples counselling.
Also employ a regular babysitter to fill the space normally filled by extended family, and take some time alone.

She was getting him out the room to stop the verbal abuse.

Don't pretend a woman removing an abusive man is akin to the domestic violence women suffer.

It's not politically correct but a woman pushing a man (for good reason) is NOT the same thing as a man pushing a woman. A man can easily over-power a woman, so any physicality is a threat and a display of dominance.