They have enough money I don’t need to pay them back?

Even better that the dickhead Ex and your equally challenged FIL are now out of your life. 🌹

@AliceMcK That's great that they have been such good friends.

@TodaysNameIsBoring yes. My friends were amazing, the day I told them I’d left my ex the husband did a little cheer and punch in the air and said finally I hated him 😂 They regularly treat me, they earned a lot more than me, we all lived together when I first met my ex. My ex didn’t see that the friendship wasn’t just about them earning more and covering my costs, i couldn’t afford the take them for nice meals like they did for me, but I could cook for them, pick up their favourite chocolate or wine as a treat on my way home for work, bake them birthday cakes etc.. My ex only ever saw life through monetary value, I could have bought him the perfect gift, but if I hadn’t spent a lot of money on it he’d sulk.

@AliceMcK
That sounds awful. Did you manage to pay all the money back?

Just thought of another, my ExH.

Our wedding was supposed to be very small, no more than 10 people at a registry office. Days before his aunt kicked off she wasn’t going to get to see her “nephew” by marriage get married. It turned into a big thing the next thing I know there are almost 50 people there. The plan was we’d have lunch at a local pub, everyone to pay their own, then we had a big party laid out for everyone that night, all welcome, free beer & wine, some spirits and free food.

Anyway at the lunch my ex dick of a fil announced that the meal was being paid for by my dad. My dad lived 12000 miles way and had no money, he’d sent me a chq for £250 as a wedding gift which FIL found out about. I was mortified, FIL was a loud prick and even though my ex was one too he couldn’t stand up to his dad. DH and I had spent every last penny we had on the party.

Very good friends of mine who were my surrogate family just paid for everybody on the quiet. I’m talking a young couple our age, not particularly well off.

I promised to pay them back, but when it came to it my exs attitude was they earn more than us and are your best friends so why should we pay them back. I was mortified. My friends had my ex pegged long before I did. In the end I paid them in instalments from a secret bank account I’d quickly realised I might need. Id started to pay a small amount of my salary in it each month after I’d gotten a pay rise and didn’t tell my ex. It was empty by the time we split up because I was always paying off things he refused to. He once stopped paying rent because the property managers sacked his dad. Apparently not paying rent showed them! Us having our credit destroyed was a small price to pay, fucking idiot.

it was a short marriage and I left in so much debt because I took loans out to protect my credit score.

@ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves

This is what he's taken to doing now. He'll send a reminder out a day or two before the deadline as a reminder but he'll still get comments of "mate, it's only £10!"

Yes those "only £10" soon add up though, especially if people - often the same people - do this often. 🌹

This is what he's taken to doing now. He'll send a reminder out a day or two before the deadline as a reminder but he'll still get comments of "mate, it's only £10!"

I wouldn't be organising it if it was my friends, but, thankfully, my friends don't operate like that!

If I am out with them, and they pay for my shopping as I don't have my card or its easier for then just to pay. I need to give it back ASAP.

It's incredibly entitled to not pay someone back on the basis of your opinion of their finances. It's nothing to do with you. Anyone doing this is deliberately taking advantage of the lenders generosity, and is one of life's takers.

It's easier said than done though. You get the guilt trips, "but I've driven two hours to see you", "I don't like the food you've made", in reality, she's invited herself and spent the whole time on her phone messaging her friends rather than actually engage with us. Some people are rather manipulative. But everyone has a breaking point, I had mine, and I no longer will stand for it. I guess some people try the peaceful route to have relationships with family members, but sometimes you get pushed too far, then break.

Not acceptable

My sister would always 'borrow' money from our father. Always for important bills. She never used the money for bills, and she never paid it back. Cause 'he doesn't need it'.

No, they don't really stand back but there's an anxiety from them (i know them very very well and they talk about other people and bills) about being taken for a ride during bill paying. They are not an anxious person just continuously on the look out for being cheated due to being very very rich. I know they're rich because they tell me. I know they're on the look out because they tell me. I've never borrowed anything from them. No, i don't like them. But I'll buy the coffee 😂 because it's worth it.

That was me. Do they stand back and let you pay for their coffee?

I would just buy my own!

It extends to business practices too and is a significant factor in small to medium businesses sinking.

Someone asked who i know who doesn't buy me coffee 😂
It's an immediate family member who is a multimillionaire, i know this because the person continuously talks about it. They don't buy me coffee, I don't want them to I'm happy to buy my own but I KNOW (because I know them well and they are very garrulous about money and paying for meals, coffee, holidays) that if they paid for my coffee it would be a massive issue. I find it embarrassing that they watch 'fair shares' like a hawk and would rather just pay for theirs too.

To answer all upcoming questions - I have known them all my life, they tell me how much they have (i don't ask), I'm not interested in poncing a coffee, I know they watch like a hawk because they talk endlessly about others people.

I think it's sad how fearful they are.

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz Ugh, that’s disgusting behavior, so unnecessary.

Yes, my brother still owes me hundreds of pounds. My family tell me that he's told them all I don't need the money so he won't pay me back. Then he fell out with me for something unrelated. Probably because he feels some kind of shame about it on some level. I don't know. I've ceased caring. He's right, I actually don't need the money but I did need my brother.

Apologies not quite the point of thread

SIL has been very open about the fact that, despite DH earning £100+, she will deliberately make sure she never earns enough to ever pay her student loan back.

That's not right

I'd be inclined to say that there's a deadline for receipt by DH of the deposits. One week before (or whatever the restaurant's requirements are plus a few days for the tardy) DH must have all the deposits in hand - it just a promise of the money. If people have not paid by then he'll assume they no longer want to attend, and the group booking will not have their names on. Everything in writing so there's no misunderstanding. 🌹

I learnt my lesson when I was 16yo. I’d just started work at a big supermarket (I did three evenings a week then), and one of the Saturday girls needed someone to work her rosta-ed on shift one weekend because she had plans. It came after the cut off date that month for payroll, so she was paid it, and she said she’d give me the money. She never did. I felt awkward raising the issue, this went on for months. She then went to university, but would come home every weekend to work her Saturday shift. By then I’d also swapped to working Saturdays. I finally said something. She said that she was living hand to mouth so didn’t have the money to give me, and as we also both worked Saturdays, she couldn’t offer to work my shift for me like I’d offered to work hers for her. So I didn’t get the money back. It was about £25 in 1992, it was a lot to me.

I’ve only ever lent someone money twice since, and each time decided that unfold afford to lose the money if they never paid me back. I was in a much better position than they were and was happy to have given it as a gift. They both paid me back without any drama.

Exactly this. I had a friend ask me why I shopped at Aldi because 'im so loaded'. I didn't respond but part of me felt like saying 'part of the reason I have nice things is because I dont waste all my money in Waitrose!'.

I cringe for people like this who make huge presumptions about people's finances and are so chippy about people who earn well as if it's ALL just good luck or privilege. They make themselves look so thick. Part of the wider trend for everyone to be either victim or victimiser.

I think the attitude exists in rich and poor (for want of better descriptors) and the people who are not paying up will use any excuse to justify it, and "You're alright for money so don't need it" is just a convenient excuse imo.

Probably because I'm not well off I've only come across it the other way, as a few pp have said, struggling to get money out of people who are well off for events or things I've booked. I don't book now until the money is in, and if there's a time limit then that person is not included, I will try and add them if they pay up.
I've found people in a similar situation to me are the first ones to pay up, or tell me when they can.

My sister is a prime example of this, her household income is probably 3/4 times mine, though like everyone they have struggled a bit recently to maintain what they're used to. We meet for walks/food fairly regularly, I was actually thinking that I probably couldn't afford it last time it was arranged and was going to suggest buying some stuff to eat at mine. She suggested the same thing because she didn't want to spend out too much either, fair enough for both of us. Only I bought, paid for and cooked everything, cleared up afterwards and am still waiting for my reciprocal invite! I spent the same on a home made meal for us both as I would have done just me eating out and she spent nothing!
Which is probably why she has money and I don't! 🤣

I had a friend who asked her aunt for a loan to cover a breast reduction operation. She was NOT happy that she had to pay it back, and thought that the aunt should just write off the loan, as ‘she could afford it’.