To wish I didn't have my daughter

@BigGoose there's no medals being given out here for being a great parent.
One size doesn't fit all for ND kids. I'm pleased your kid is thriving, but different kids need different approaches. I know your approach wouldn't work for mine for example.

My experience as a Mum of 3, oldest is autistic (diagnosed after many failed attempts at age 20) my youngest is autistic and has ADHD (diagnosed at age 13 & 15), has given me to believe that communication deficits can make even the sweetest child angry and possessive.

My oldest simply cannot deal with the unpredictability of family life. He didn't lash out but could be very fickle and obtuse and would clash with my DH. It created such a huge rift and I would try to be a peacemaker, and ended up very bitter and sad. He is much happier now he is an adult, living in his own home.

My DD was just like yours until I finally cracked at age 2.5 and put her into nursery. She became the master of the mask - perfect at nursery and school and not at all difficult - but she can't keep it up and now ends up having awful autistic meltdowns with huge anxiety issues.

The fact that yourbdaughter is doing well at school and is well behaved suggests to me that she may have perfected the art of masking at school but loses the plot at home - when she gets home she goes straight for her safety zone (you) and then loses it when she realizes (sub consciously) that the safety zone is a shared resource. I would get her assessed and at the same time sit her down and lay out ground rules, which are in non negotiable with clear and enforced consequences.

She has needs that require specialist assessment and help. There is no shame in seeking help.

Good luck.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I firmly don’t believe I ‘just got lucky’. DP and I had to really rally together with DD. We read books, agreed a behaviour system, heavily based on ‘Supernanny’ (although I know she is critisised now), read books to help her manage her behaviour (as bedtime stories) - all the way through to her teens.

At some point there was a ‘tip’ where she still asserts her views, but accepts that we are her parents and needs to listen to us. And a huge, huge tipping point was when she started to self regulate without our intervention.

It has worked, and I want to feel proud and able to state that - because it has taken years of stress, questioning myself and self doubt.

Its posts like this that makes life so much harder for ND.

Replace Time Out with Time In. Time Out solves nothing and reinforces negative feelings of upset and unhappiness. Can you give her 15 minutes one to one after school? Buy a big sand timer as visual prompt. Share a book or toy. You are both unhappy and it’s contagious. Look up Therapeutic parenting.

This - mine got 10 GCSEs all 8s and 9s. But moving to a huge 6th form college with 3000+ kids on site, large class sizes with other kids not really that interested and thus disruptive, meant the strain of social masking was too much, especially after frequent lockdowns under Covid. Am glad the @bigGoose ‘s DC has been less impacted by their ASD - my younger child is like this too and simply sees his diagnosis as a lens through which to anticipate issues and dig into his psychic toolbox for resources - but for my daughter things have not run so smoothly. Issues with puberty, bullying, social isolation have compounded into MH issues that have needed support.

As I say above, if you know a child with autism, you know one child. You are not an expert in anything other than how that child ‘does’ their autism. I only know my two children’s very different presentations and challenges and would never assume to criticise another parent’s struggles.

Reported this disgusting disablist post.

I don’t know if your daughter has ASD or not but while you seek out assessment, try some one to one time, find an interest that she enjoys and try to enjoy it with her, swimming or crafting, sounds like she craves your attention but it’s turned into she’s naughty and not surprisingly it ends with you resenting her Try to shift this focus instead of resenting her , have a laugh show her you are interested in her and not just as a one off, your daughter is trying to get your attention.

Odd choice of username above such an uncaring suggestion.

If she is ND, that's tactic is very unlikely to work and will just distress the child further. What's the point in taking her favourite teddy away for example, if that's what she needs to be able to regulate herself?

If they're NT, that still seems like a really shit, archaic parenting decision. Taking a toy away because they're using it to hit someone - yeah fine. Randomly taking away something that's valuable to them in order to punish them - bizarre.

For us, the diagnosis helped us understand her,

It helped get an EHCP

It helped us understand burnout and why she couldn’t go to school,

Mine got 9 GCSE’s, A levels put her in burnout.

Snd for us, the diagnosis brought a fantastic nhs psychologist who she sees every week.

Refusal go to school happens because they’ve hit overload. Mine is too exhausted to read more than a paragraph. Thats why she’s not attending.

Nothing to do with ‘boundaries’ We tried to make her attend and she self harmed.

You just got lucky.

She will definitely, definitely feel your dislike of her - regardless of whether that dislike is justified or which came first, you need family therapy urgently.

I did wonder if she was nd to begin with and spoke to her nursery when she was around 3 who looked at me as though I was unkind for thinking that and said definitely not she's a lovely little girl and I felt bad for suggesting it.

Awful disablist comment from the nursery - children with ADHD and ASD are lovely too. They're different, and no less lovely.

While you're waiting on assessments, look up tips from parents with ND children on how to manage things. My dc are on a very long waiting list but reading about how to manage children with ND conditions has helped massively. She will need to be parented differently to all your other children - this could cause conflict as they might think she's your favourite but her needs are what they are. She does need to appreciate her siblings need time with you too but ND conditions often go hand in hand with rejection sensitivity disorder, or RSD - might be worth reading up about that but basically they can take it very hard if they feel left out or rejected.

I have to ensure my dc get plenty of downtime. Our after school routine is very strict - big snack then straight home to decompress. I leave them alone to play computer for an hour after school - after that, they're ready to do homework or whatever needs doing but if i tried to do it right after school it wouldn't go well.

I'm ND myself, so i understand how hard it is and what they need when they're overwhelmed and it's still taken over a year to rebuild family routines to suit what we now know about adhd/asd! So be kind to yourself.

I would start keeping a diary of all events, and what triggers them.

I'd also film where possible.

This way you have some concrete evidence of what is going on away from school.

Hopefully this will help getting on the pathway for diagnosis.

If it’s such a huge struggle and your child is refusing to go to school, I’m not sure how the diagnosis is helping or providing the solution?
Whereas when I’m stating that firm boundaries significantly helped my DD - I’m told that I’ve done her a huge disservice?? She’s been in school every day, does her homework and is excelling and getting A’s.

This poster seeks to understand OP’s situation with insight and empathy.

I just wanted to go back to the 'bored and bright comments'.
My DD was tested extensively for ASD. She hated 50% of her school life and at home she hid all the time or screamed! We later discovered she had a very high IQ and hated repeating work, learning for exams is all about this. Many people asked me if she was ND. Some still do but she is just not able to suffer fools gladly.
I am the third child of four and my mother frequently told me I was a mistake. I kicked off in school and out of it. Later on I met some fab lecturers and achieved academic success. I've also had a big career. I'm still a bit full on.
I second learning a musical instrument or a language. My DD speaks Japanese and plays the piano, both self taught. Pick something just for her so she can own it. That works on ND and NT people.
Do not see ASD as a label. It is so variable and can be a super power. Understanding is everything. I second the autistic girls network. Lots of resources on there. I make my daughter cuddle me because my mother didn't do that for me. We sometimes need to change to help the other person. Good luck

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow yes, I think we all know that feeling of being on the end of our tether, I think I'm living on it!
One of the hardest things for me pre diagnosis was other parents/family's perceptions of my parenting, I got a negative comments. My confidence was completely shot.
By the time my kid got a diagnosis, I nearly dissolved into a puddle because finally there was an explanation for why he didn't sleep, why he exploded etc.

Yeah. Tough isn’t the only word😭It’s just exhausting. A constant struggle.

And we recognise that same feeling in OP’s situation.

Except @DiddlySquatSquat the people on this thread who are "professing to be experts" are parents like me, who have children like the OPs, who have received a formal diagnosis of ASD.

We are relating our experience to give the OP something else to explore, in case it's relevant to her. I wish someone had suggested it to me earlier as I had several very tough years pre diagnosis and now have a battle to get services engaged, but at least I can now with a diagnosis.

No one here is diagnosing a child based on a social media post, but there are things in the post that stand out to parents like me. And as a professional working in this space, I'm kind of surprised that you are dismissive of those. Perhaps you are correct and it's family dynamics work that's needed for this child, but there is no need to dismiss the experience of parents on this thread too. You've made your point, no need to be negative to us, life is tough enough on our side of the fence to be honest.

I would take “fine in school” with a pinch of salt. DS (8) has just been diagnosed with ASD. He’s always been “fine in school”, which means “compliant and not disruptive”. It doesn’t actually mean he’s fine - when we asked the teacher to fill out a form for the assessment, loads of little snippets came out and it’s quite clear now that he needs more support in school.

OP, if it helps, DS was like this at the same age. It is incredibly difficult to have a child whose behaviour affects family life to such a strong degree. For us, the violence stopped around age 7.

I would speak to your GP about the process for assessment in your area, or look into private providers if that is an option - the wait where I live is around 2-3 years for ASD assessment. I’d also recommend The Explosive Child (book), which encourages an approach to tackle the behaviours and the skills a child is lacking, regardless of whether you have a diagnosis.

It makes no difference with ND kids. They don’t care.

@DiddlySquatSquat the pendulum hasn’t swung far enough. There are still loads undiagnosed. How can it swing too far? The only backlash will be increasing knowledge, understanding and adjustments for ND people. The ‘pendulum’ is too focused on NT.

Those of us ‘speaking’ have ND children. Do you?

That's because autistic children are very good at masking the symptoms at school, then when they get back home to familiar surroundings it all pours out. I was thinking at first she just sounded like a bit of an a-hole but the more you say, the more I think you may have an autistic child on your hands here.

I think you have got to make her face consequences of her actions. If she has been naughty and you want to punish her think about a punishment she can't simply walk out of. Have you tried taking something away from her for a few hours? Lock it up somewhere she can't get it. Explain it's because she did xyz and she can have it back at X time. Then no matter how much she screams or cries don't let her have it until X time. Be firm and over time she will understand you mean what you say.

I am just sick and tired of people on SM professing to be experts, or saying a child has a neuro disorder, when very often it's family dynamics that respond to a change in parenting style.

I'd be the first to stand up for mis-diagnoses, but the pendulum has swung tooo far and believe me, it will swing back again where there is going to be a backlash against too many labels that were wrong.

Regardless of the label, the OP needs to adjust her parenting style to win her child over, not alienate her further.

I'm not a teacher but if you don't accept teachers' opinions or training- what are you? An ed psych? Child psychologist? Paediatric consultant?