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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by DM’s behaviour today?

61 replies

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:13

Long ramble here so as not to drip feed…

I am close to my mum; we text most days and she is part of my childcare doing 2 days a week for us. She does this by choice and volunteered when I was pregnant with DS back in early 2020. They have a great relationship and DS loves his time with her. Occasionally, she has booked a holiday during term time (I’m a headteacher) and so I’ve had to sort other childcare. I find this quite stressful but I haven’t said anything as it’s her life and she deserves to go on holiday when she wants to. I grew up in a very intense and emotional household and so I feel like I’m
perhaps too passive and people please to keep the peace. This is the same at work and I’ve really had to work on being assertive and then not getting emotionally low when people don’t like decisions I’m making etc.

Today was my DF’s birthday. I believed that we were supposed to be going over to their house between 11:30-12 to open presents before going out for a Sunday roast. Just before leaving my DS did the classic thing of needing a big poo (tmi, sorry!) and he likes to take his time doing this. My parents live a 6 minute drive from us. By the time he had finished and we left the house all cleaned up, we arrived at their house at 12, to an awful atmosphere. My DM was clearly angry and started shouting at me and DH, using awful language and saying we should “fucking engage” with plans etc. To my knowledge we haven’t had any previous issues with them believing we have been late? My DF seemed absolutely fine with us but kept quiet and out of her way. She believed we were late, which I did not believe, as I thought the plan was a bit more laid back. I think this is a case of miscommunication but either way I’m really upset and angry at being spoken to in this way. This is not the first time she has done this. As I said, I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.

AIBU to say something to her about speaking to me in this way or should I just ignore it and carry on as normal for the sake of peace. I don’t mind if she was upset with me for believing I was late but surely just a conversation would’ve been fine without shouting and swearing?

YABU - you were clearly late and deserved to be “told off”

YANBU - no one should speak to you in this way, late or not

OP posts:
Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:25

OrangeSlices998 · 28/04/2024 19:22

Had you or DP let her know you were running late? That would be polite. However her reaction is way over the top and inappropriate and unfair, I can imagine it felt horrible for you, having also grown up with an emotional and volatile parent

No we didn’t, as we believed that we had this relaxed half-hour window but I was clearly wrong. Next time, if this happens again, I will certainly have one of us message to confirm. Thank you :)

OP posts:
Orangemangogrape · 28/04/2024 19:25

She isn't acceptable childcare.

IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:24

I would have turned round and gone back home. Sorry DF but no-one is allowed to swear at me like that. It’s just not acceptable.
To be fair I would have dropped DM a quick text to say we were on our way, as you clearly had intended to get there earlier.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:24

Justmuddlingalong · 28/04/2024 19:20

I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.
Or was it emotionally abusive?

I don’t think it was abusive, no. My parents loved us very much and did a good job, generally. They are both, however, intense people with lots of feelings, which we were privy to from a young age. In contrast, I am
not overly emotional and sometimes have even been called cold or withdrawn, as I think the drama is just too much for me!

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 28/04/2024 19:22

Had you or DP let her know you were running late? That would be polite. However her reaction is way over the top and inappropriate and unfair, I can imagine it felt horrible for you, having also grown up with an emotional and volatile parent

Greywitch2 · 28/04/2024 19:21

I cannot imagine my DM shrieking abuse at anyone like this. I'd be very unhappy at being spoken to like that by anyone. Presumably she did this in front of your 3/4 year old?

The main problem, by the sound of your OP, is that she does 2 days a week free childcare for you, so you don't feel you can say anything. I'd be looking for a childminder instead, but obviously you are having to walk on egg shells round your foul mouthed mother in case she suddenly refuses to have your DS and leaves you in the lurch. Clearly as a HT you can't work from home, or not go in to school and therefore she has you over a barrel.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/04/2024 19:20

I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.
Or was it emotionally abusive?

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:20

To be honest, I didn’t really want to fuel any fire or get into an argument on my dad’s birthday, so I just let her shout it out 🤷‍♀️ my DS was in another room playing so likely didn’t hear.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 28/04/2024 19:16

Did you not challenge her at the time and say we’d agreed we’d be with you between 11.30-12, and it’s literally 12, why the drama? I would not put up with being spoken to like that, she was very rude and unreasonable.

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 28/04/2024 19:16

Why on earth didn't you just say you thought you had that half hour window to get there? Did you say anything?

MrsElsa · 28/04/2024 19:16

Did she do this where your DS could see or hear?

There's your answer I'm afraid