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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by DM’s behaviour today?

61 replies

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:13

Long ramble here so as not to drip feed…

I am close to my mum; we text most days and she is part of my childcare doing 2 days a week for us. She does this by choice and volunteered when I was pregnant with DS back in early 2020. They have a great relationship and DS loves his time with her. Occasionally, she has booked a holiday during term time (I’m a headteacher) and so I’ve had to sort other childcare. I find this quite stressful but I haven’t said anything as it’s her life and she deserves to go on holiday when she wants to. I grew up in a very intense and emotional household and so I feel like I’m
perhaps too passive and people please to keep the peace. This is the same at work and I’ve really had to work on being assertive and then not getting emotionally low when people don’t like decisions I’m making etc.

Today was my DF’s birthday. I believed that we were supposed to be going over to their house between 11:30-12 to open presents before going out for a Sunday roast. Just before leaving my DS did the classic thing of needing a big poo (tmi, sorry!) and he likes to take his time doing this. My parents live a 6 minute drive from us. By the time he had finished and we left the house all cleaned up, we arrived at their house at 12, to an awful atmosphere. My DM was clearly angry and started shouting at me and DH, using awful language and saying we should “fucking engage” with plans etc. To my knowledge we haven’t had any previous issues with them believing we have been late? My DF seemed absolutely fine with us but kept quiet and out of her way. She believed we were late, which I did not believe, as I thought the plan was a bit more laid back. I think this is a case of miscommunication but either way I’m really upset and angry at being spoken to in this way. This is not the first time she has done this. As I said, I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.

AIBU to say something to her about speaking to me in this way or should I just ignore it and carry on as normal for the sake of peace. I don’t mind if she was upset with me for believing I was late but surely just a conversation would’ve been fine without shouting and swearing?

YABU - you were clearly late and deserved to be “told off”

YANBU - no one should speak to you in this way, late or not

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/04/2024 20:11

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:24

I don’t think it was abusive, no. My parents loved us very much and did a good job, generally. They are both, however, intense people with lots of feelings, which we were privy to from a young age. In contrast, I am
not overly emotional and sometimes have even been called cold or withdrawn, as I think the drama is just too much for me!

Show quote history

Your emotional compass is busted. Your mother’s “intense emotional style” or whatever you were taught to call it was absolutely abusive and has left you frightened , silenced, and bewildered.

ToxicChristmas · 28/04/2024 20:07

I think I'd have to send her a message addressing the issue as I couldn't just forget it and move on.
Hi DM, I wanted to address what happened earlier today. While I understand you were annoyed that we were late, I want to make it clear that I will not be spoken to like that. I apologise for the misunderstanding around the arrival time and hope we can move on past this.
I'd expect a big tantrum, but let her get on with it. I would seriously look at childcare options as she is either going to refuse to help you or make it as awkward as possible. It's something she can easily control and manipulate you with. Don't feed the drama.

SingingBlackbird · 28/04/2024 19:54

*form

Justsomethoughts · 28/04/2024 19:53

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:32

Sorry, totally see your point.

I think what I mean is that I feel like I often don’t challenge things with her for fear of upsetting/ hurting/ disturbing the peace but then incidents like today have me seeing that the same courtesy isn’t offered to me and everything has to be a charged and dramatic episode if that makes sense?

Show quote history

This is quite telling. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around anyone for fear of disturbing the peace. You say yourself above that you are emotionally withdrawn so this has obviously been your method of dealing with things in the past. It may not be abusive, but this is definitely not a healthy dynamic and not good for your DC to be witnessing either.

I say this as I see a lot of similarities in the way you describe your upbringing and relationships with your DM and my own experiences. I became a complete people pleaser and struggled to ever voice my own opinion about anything for fear or repercussions. This spilled over into other areas of life until I addressed the above.

YANBU but I think you need to spend some time thinking about this whole dynamic.

SaveMyArchitrave · 28/04/2024 19:53

LuluBlakey1 · 28/04/2024 19:38

She behaves like this because you allow her to- whether it's rarely, sometimes or often that she does it.

No, she behaves like that for her own reasons. OP needs to make some boundaries and not accept it, but isn't the cause of the behaviour.

SaveMyArchitrave · 28/04/2024 19:51

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:20

To be honest, I didn’t really want to fuel any fire or get into an argument on my dad’s birthday, so I just let her shout it out 🤷‍♀️ my DS was in another room playing so likely didn’t hear.

She was shouting "fucking..." and you think your son didn't hear it from another room? You're minimising her behaviour and it's impact on your son.

CrazyAboutYou · 28/04/2024 19:49

I’d speak to her and tell her that you will not be spoken to like that. People like her don’t like to be stood up to so be prepared for a fall out. I wouldn’t be happy leaving my child with someone that loses it so easily so I’d look for alternative childcare. She’ll keep treating you badly if you let her.

SingingBlackbird · 28/04/2024 19:46

Don’t overlook the fact that she won’t want to lose her time with your child. Neither will your DF who quite likely will blame her. Trust me - I’m a grandparent.
Stand up to her and make it clear the way she spoke to you was completely unacceptable. Apologise for not messaging her while your little one was taking his time on the loo then obviously wait for her apology. If she doesn’t give it, from an alternative plan.

HappyintheHills · 28/04/2024 19:42

Its almost like your DM took on care of your DS so as to retain control of you.

Topseyt123 · 28/04/2024 19:41

Think about this for a minute more. You are a headteacher. My Dad was too. Would you allow a parent at your school to speak to you or your staff like that? I'm sure you wouldn't and my Dad certainly didn't either. So don't allow your own parent to do it.

If that means you need alternative childcare then so be it. Assert yourself and stop being beholden to her.

widgitfidgit · 28/04/2024 19:41

Was she stressed about the day, was there a table booked! This is not to excuse her swearing but if she miscommunicated the time was she getting more and more stressed about a table booking and then exploded at you

I can just imagine that sort of thing happening

LuluBlakey1 · 28/04/2024 19:38

She behaves like this because you allow her to- whether it's rarely, sometimes or often that she does it.

Gymmum82 · 28/04/2024 19:37

I’m trying to imagine a scenario where my DH would just stand idly by while my mother screamed abuse in my face.
He would have told her in no uncertain terms it’s was completely unacceptable and we were leaving.
I would fine alternative childcare for your child. God knows what she’s saying to him when you’re not there if she rants like that to you for being 30 mins late

IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:35

Topseyt123 · 28/04/2024 19:33

I don't see why you didn't just tell her to stop speaking to you like that, turn round and go straight home. Doing anything else is just being a sitting duck and staying to let her shout her abuse (that's what it is).

That's what I would have done.

I think you should message her now and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she ever speaks to you like that again then you will leave immediately. Leave her in no doubt. You are her adult daughter, no longer her child.

Yes, and I’d start looking for alternative childcare asap too

Topseyt123 · 28/04/2024 19:33

I don't see why you didn't just tell her to stop speaking to you like that, turn round and go straight home. Doing anything else is just being a sitting duck and staying to let her shout her abuse (that's what it is).

That's what I would have done.

I think you should message her now and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she ever speaks to you like that again then you will leave immediately. Leave her in no doubt. You are her adult daughter, no longer her child.

ToxicChristmas · 28/04/2024 19:33

IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:24

I would have turned round and gone back home. Sorry DF but no-one is allowed to swear at me like that. It’s just not acceptable.
To be fair I would have dropped DM a quick text to say we were on our way, as you clearly had intended to get there earlier.

I agree with this.
I'd have apologied to DF, given him his presents and left without engaging further with DM. Screaming abuse and swearing for someone being 30 minutes late is awful - I would never do that to someone, however annoyed I was. I'd be looking at alternative childcare -not to punish DM but because that behaviour is worrying and so over the top.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:32

Roundtoedshoes · 28/04/2024 19:29

YANBU, but clearly you feel you can’t say anything in case she leaves you in the lurch with childcare, so I’d get that sorted and then have it out - it’s clearly not a one off.

I’m not sure why you mentioned the holidays she has occasionally taken (apart from the fact it annoys you and is clearly a pain) as this is a separate issue and to be expected with free childcare. Once your child is in school this won’t be much of an issue as you will be off as well.

Sorry, totally see your point.

I think what I mean is that I feel like I often don’t challenge things with her for fear of upsetting/ hurting/ disturbing the peace but then incidents like today have me seeing that the same courtesy isn’t offered to me and everything has to be a charged and dramatic episode if that makes sense?

OP posts:
RickyGervaislovesdogs · 28/04/2024 19:32

She’s nuts, I’d be out of there in a hot minute! wtf is wrong with her!

PonyPatter44 · 28/04/2024 19:31

"Intense" people are hugely tiresome to be around, in my experience. Your parents sound like unlikeable drama queens, I'm afraid. If you could get to a point where you weren't dependent on them for anything tangible, I think you might feel more confident and adult around them.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 28/04/2024 19:29

Next visit give her a running commentary of your journey. Wouldn't be happy obwqs relying on her tbh. What does had lots of feelings mean?

Roundtoedshoes · 28/04/2024 19:29

YANBU, but clearly you feel you can’t say anything in case she leaves you in the lurch with childcare, so I’d get that sorted and then have it out - it’s clearly not a one off.

I’m not sure why you mentioned the holidays she has occasionally taken (apart from the fact it annoys you and is clearly a pain) as this is a separate issue and to be expected with free childcare. Once your child is in school this won’t be much of an issue as you will be off as well.

chaticat · 28/04/2024 19:28

I don't see how it can possibly be relevant that you find it stressful when she wants to go on holiday as she's your childcare.

Just get proper paid for ofsted approved childcare.

nutbrownhare15 · 28/04/2024 19:26

You should challenge it but she sounds likely to take it badly and/or withdraw childcare.

AnxiousRabbit · 28/04/2024 19:26

YANBU but if she is anything like my mother she will be in denial and not take anything you say on board anyway.

In my experience I tend to say something as calmly as I can at the time and then let it go. She isn't going to change now and it's emotionally draining trying to deal with it. I don't agree with "going no contact" except in very extreme circumstances, especially with older family who are going to need support as they age...and age may have something to do with their behaviour. Also for the sake of my Dad and siblings and my children.

Did you text to say you were running late? I know you weren't late....but later than you planned.

Greywitch2 · 28/04/2024 19:25

my DS was in another room playing so likely didn’t hear.

C'mon, OP! You work with children. Of course he heard every word. Little pitchers have big ears. Unless you are going to claim your mother lives in a mansion you know that a child heard an angry, shouting, screaming adult. Small children have very acute hearing.