To think I can hide this?

I’m really sorry to hear about your earlier pregnancy OP and have everything crossed for you.

Re swimwear - you could go tummy control but I’d personally avoid one with ruffles/skirt unless you’d usually wear that as the ruffles will draw more attention than they’ll disguise.

M&S have some decent tummy control ones in - plain or a bit more of a pazaz depending on how you feel! I always looked bloated until 22/23 weeks with both my pregnancies (although more so with my second) and the tummy control (pants not swimsuits but should be similar!) from M&S disguised my bump really well

Thank you @Itstimeforbaileys, and I’m so sorry for what you went through with your previous pregnancy. The reason why I reference is because in hindsight I wish I’d either found an excuse to get out of the spa day, or taken control and told my friends discreetly in advance. I completely get why you would want to keep things private until your scan and it is completely reasonable given your previous experience. However, I personally would not trust the spa staff to respect this and if the same happens to you then it will be a horrible situation for you to be in - much worse than either pulling out of the hen do or telling your mum and SIL discreetly, no matter how much you’re able to cover up with the right attire on the day.

I can’t believe you’ve had such a rough time on here @Itstimeforbaileys, considering your reasons for keeping things quiet until your scan. If you still want to go, I’d say I’d had a chest infection - I always get one after going to a spa, so if you’d had one before you wouldn’t want to make it worse by going in the sauna/steam room etc. Also antibiotics for it so you can’t drink. I’d buy a lovely floaty cover up and a black swim suit and I think it would be fine just to style it out. Don’t fiddle with your clothes though, makes it too obvious! At the end of day, we all know these are the normal excuses for people who are trying to hide a pregnancy but all you need to say is a firm no if anyone asks and hopefully that will be the end of the conversation! Oh and stick to treatments like mani/pedi if you don’t want to mention it to the staff.

I expect all the people on the spa day will know straightaway when they see you in your costume, not going in the sauna, steam room, jacuzzi, filling in forms, not drinking wine with lunch, bigger boobs etc. Hopefully they won’t say anything as they know of your loss. Or you could cancel now and not give it another thought.

That's a control swimsuit which I don't think so is a great idea if you're 18 weeks pregnant.

How about something like this
https://amzn.eu/d/7ud0jQF

but instead of wearing the shorts get some maternity high waisted bikini bottoms to wear underneath so if it rides up at all it still doesn't show your bare bump e.g.

https://www.next.co.uk/style/SU054165/890382?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwir2xBhC_ARIsAMTXk86yJgpHj8qjD-WmpgN58YH8vs_39olavp9Ln4Hn_7LI5sKMxpNokW0aAoelEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds#890382

I didn’t tell people until I was 20 weeks. I had no sign of a bump until then with both pregnancies. I think you can keep it a secret!

I have read all your posts and it sounds amazingly stressful, everything from the arrangements to your personality differences with your parents. I am worried for you.

I voted YABU thinking you can pull this off not because I am unsympathetic but because of the spa day. Wedding sounds doable.

One of the biggest unknows and potential risks is the staff at the spa. I get that people shouldn't be discussing your medical history but I think they're going to find it a bit odd you would self-select to be in an environment where you're not wearing street clothes (and could very discreetly cover up) and someone could easily notice and ask you about it anyway. How much will you need to say about the backstory for them to 'get it' and how many people on their end will need to be briefed on it? If it's that important to keep this quiet, and I totally understand why it is, it's an unusual choice.

Like another poster said, I'd claim D&V on the day.

look to rent a dress maybe instead, loads of designer and high street ones that are designed to hide bumps

Great idea but I'd definitely size up even a few sizes. Tummy control swimsuits can be really tight causing restriction in the area 🤷‍♀️

Your parents sound exactly like mine! Well meaning but it just adds stress trying to discuss anything serious with them and they end up saying wildly inappropriate things. This is why I'm keeping mine quiet too. Plus my mum would keep saying how worried she is. My mum said last year after my loss. Well you went through all that for nothing! 😐

Spa - you can’t do much when pregnant so ‘looking’ pregnant is the least of your issues I’m afraid. I didn’t really show until after the scan - was still in normal clothes etc.

Completely understand your reasons for waiting to tell people. I did the same after dd died, and was very nervous about my next pregnancy. Can you get a ruffly swimsuit to cover yourself a bit? It really depends on what your body shape is. In my first pregnancy I didn’t show at all until 24 weeks, in my second it was more obvious and definitely would have been in a swimsuit.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say don’t buy any swimsuits with ruffles, skirts etc, unless they’re the sort of thing you would normally wear. In the nicest possible way, if this is your third pregnancy then you’ve more likely than not not got abs of steel. I go to the spa relatively frequently with lots of different mum friends and my first thought if one of them was carrying a little weight on her tummy would not be ‘oh she must be pregnant’. And I definitely would not be asking her even if I thought she was - firstly, because if she wasn’t it would be absolutely mortifying, and secondly, because I’d assume that if she was she’d have told me if she wanted me to know.

It sounds like your reasons for not wanting people to know are not that you need it to be a big secret, but more that you don’t want to discuss it. In which case, unless your family and friends are spectacularly rude, they will keep quiet even if they suspect.

Perhaps think up a handy excuse or two for not going in the steam room / sauna in case people do ask - some people might not immediately equate that with ‘she might be pregnant’ but if you act like a rabbit in the headlights when asked they might think about it harder! I personally hate them with a passion and overheat easily, so that’s an easy one, unless you are known for being a sauna lover! Or just nip in for a minute or so, then declare yourself too hot and leave.

hard to say without seeing photos and before pregnancy photos.
If you feel there is a risk of MIL/SIL noticing then just blame really bad period and stay in gown.

Hi OP,

So sorry to hear about your previous pregnancy, and I completely understand why you're cautious about sharing your latest news until you're ready.

If it helps - I go on lots of spa days with my friends and I never take my robe off.

I have a cossie on underneath, but I only ever swim on holiday in warm outdoor pools, so no one bats an eyelid when I read my book on the lounger and on the sofas.

My hair hates steam rooms, I don't like jacuzzis, but I love chatting and tea with my friends, so it's perfect for me and no one cares 😍

My leaving present when I started maternity leave with DD was a facial at a hotel spa. It was very enjoyable, so you could probably do this, and maybe a pedicaure and foot massage.

I'll be honest and reckon that the other will probably be able to work out why you aren't taking part in some of the other treatments/activities or they will notice if you do get into a swimming costume.

Good luck for a successful pregnancy.

I never showed, not even at term with all three. At twenty weeks no one would have noticed a thing. Only you know whether you're showing or not.
At 40 weeks I was rushed to hospital with anaphylaxis. I was taken straight to see a doctor in A&E. They asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I couldn't speak. DH answered, "yes." They asked when I was due, DH replied, "Saturday."

@Itstimeforbaileys I would check with the spa what treatments you can do. Presumably massages etc. are out too because you can't lie on your stomach.

OP

Honestly, in your shoes, if you really feel you can't let your mum down, I would plant a seed of not feeling very well a couple of days before, then go to the spa but limit what you do based on that. Tell them you are happy to be together, maybe have a gentle massage and lounge around with a book, but that you aren't up for swimming/sauna etc because you feel nauseous and have a bit of an upset tummy (or whatever)

Later on, if you (hopefully) find out all is well, they will realise why you fibbed or you could even stick with the story that you felt unwell.

Good luck with everything.

Lots of people don't have that warm relationship with their mums. I would never talk to my DM about anything remotely personal.

And I think OP is avoiding telling her mum because she will then fuss and add stress which OP doesn't need. She's not telling her BECAUSE she's her mum

i have a swimsuit from Sainsbury’s with a loose dress at the front to cover my menopausal bulge, it hides it really well, it was about £20

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, OP. Congratulations on your current pregnancy.

To all the well meaning posters recommending private scans instead. I've had many, many private scans at different gestations and all have said very plainly that they are not a substitute for the full NHS anomaly scan. With private scans, you get 10 minutes with a sonographer having a very quick look for obvious problems. The NHS scan is circa 30 minutes long and very, very detailed. Given OP's history - the private scan understandably won't cut it.

PP's idea re bringing anomaly scan forward is great. Best of luck OP!

Pop into the sauna for 2 min then say you don't really like it - too crowded/too hot.
That won't raise your core temp

Same with Jacuzzi, get in then say oh the smell of chlorine is so strong or someone's foot touched mine, I think I'll have a swim instead