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Original poster

Feel like it's so hard to find anyone even at 33

145 replies

CoralWasp · 28/04/2024 17:49

Well I'm 33 in about 2 weeks. I was supposed to attend a single's night last night that I'd paid £20 for but I ended up with a dodgy stomach, just my luck.

I've only been single for 5 months, but I'm feeling the age-related pressures, if I want to have a child. I'm not even 100% sure I want a child, or even immediately, but I know I don't have forever.
If I were under 30 I wouldn't care about finding someone.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want commitment. Still friends and I'm still sad but definitely did the right thing.
A couple of months back I liked someone, it seemed he did too but then went funny literally from one day to the next, I do think it's more him than me but it did knock my confidence.

I joined a dating app and I've recently been let down by 2 flaky men who clearly just wanted a penpal.
I do parkrun but men there either turn up with their girlfriend or finish the run in about 6 minutes so by the time I've finished they're long gone.

I do art, went to a drawing class but the average age group was twice my age even though they were lovely.
The ones I like at work are either taken or look in their 20s, so I'd just seem like a predator.
The other women in my team are largely under 25 and essentially just have to exist and that's all it takes.

Of course this sound like a boast but I get told I'm beautiful, pretty, nice figure and so on and I get my fair share of pervy men so I can't be that awful surely.
I don't think my personality is that terrible either. Everyone else seems to have someone around me and nobody's got the 'perfect' personality, not that there is such a thing.

People say I'm funny, I think I'm smart, I speak other languages, I have a lot of hobbies, I suppose I am quite geeky. People say I'm 'sweet' which I'm not sure how I feel about.
I'm not really into drinking, pubbing and partying tbh. I think I'm good at one-to-one or small groups and there are certain people I can talk to for hours.

I live where the uni halls are and keep seeing 20-something girls with gorgeous boyfriends! There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.
Anyway, rant over. Feel unattractive and unwanted. Any advice pls?

OP posts:
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zendeveloper · 30/04/2024 12:30

CormorantStrikesBack · 29/04/2024 06:35

Join a gym? Like a nice one, not PureGym. I’m at a gym and there’s loads of guys of all different age ranges and I know lots of people who have got together from getting to know each other at the gym.

I have to ask now what's wrong with PureGym?

innerdesign · 29/04/2024 23:48

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Incel vibes

dimllaishebiaith · 29/04/2024 23:17

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Oh honey, it's not your age that's your problem, or your looks

RealTurtle · 29/04/2024 23:14

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dimllaishebiaith · 29/04/2024 23:13

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Ooooh your the kind of man who thinks he's a "nice guy" and why don't women go for him

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yeah I get why you would want women to lower their standards. But the OP would be better off going it alone with a sperm donor than with the kind of man who posts "hoe math"

RealTurtle · 29/04/2024 23:07

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dimllaishebiaith · 29/04/2024 23:03

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Have you tried being a nice person?

RealTurtle · 29/04/2024 23:02

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Ceramic272 · 29/04/2024 18:32

You have to be ruthless with the apps. Most of my friends met their person via them but it took anywhere from a few months to a few years to find the right person...and they treated it like an after work job, albeit with a very no bs / no time wasting approach. Don’t go on endless dates with someone just because they kind of seem ok even if you’re not that attracted to them / feel no connection etc. Just move on to the next. I think (assuming you have a decent gut instinct) you should absolutely know after one date whether someone has decent potential to work with you or not. I don’t buy that it takes months to work that out!

Original poster
CoralWasp · 29/04/2024 18:28

I had a boyfriend throughout my university years but I left when I was 21. I really couldn't imagine being with the same man I was with at 21! Even if I had been single, I did a humanities course where a large number of my colleagues were either female or gay men, a small number I liked who either weren't single or I just didn't have the confidence to approach!

OP posts:
Lilacdew · 29/04/2024 18:22

Where friends of mine have recently met the loves of their lives:
at work
at a running club
at a shared interest adult ed class
OLD
Twitter
volunteering

Original poster
CoralWasp · 29/04/2024 18:19

Honestly 99% of my friends met their partners on apps! I've just not had any luck with them so far. Some people refuse to date colleagues sadly.

OP posts:
Lilacdew · 29/04/2024 18:19

dimllaishebiaith · 29/04/2024 16:55

I'm loving the conflicting advice of the OP needing to be suddenly shorter because men will find her intimidating whilst simultaneously needing to date shorter men. Like how does that work?

Never mind the somewhat racist idea that she needs to go for men other women aren't going for like "men of other ethnicities" 🙄

OP those who have given you sensible advice like treating dating like a job, being ruthless with your criteria and making sure you are going out a lot because you will meet men you might like in your wider social circle, for example my DH went to school with one of my friends so I met him at a wider social occasion

I agree. Go out. Meet friends of friends. Do stuff that really interests you, for its own sake, not to meet a man. Because energy and passion are attractive.

A friend asked me to come out one a really horrible January night. I had a work deadline and said no. She nagged me. I agreed. That's when she introduced me to her oldest entirely platonic male friend, my DH.

And chat to people about things that interest you. DS met his partner on Twitter! They had an interest in common, got chatting on a thread started by mutual friends, found out they would both be in the same city at the same time one summer and agreed to meet up. Friends for a few months then fell madly in love.

RhubarbAndGingerCheesecake · 29/04/2024 17:19

Honestly I can think of two couples from uni who are still together, most relationships that start in early 20s don't last that long, but it might just be my own situation!

That's good because at least some of them must have met new partners somewhere - so ask where - maybe it was OLD - so they may have tips there - I suspect rest will be work or mutual friends.

atotalshambles · 29/04/2024 17:06

ps. the majority of my friends met their partners in their thirties.

atotalshambles · 29/04/2024 17:02

Hi OP. Dont panic! I would keep an open mind and do what you are doing. Keep on going on dating events but I would wait until you find someone who you really like. I think the worse thing you can do is to get into a serious relationship with someone and have children with them and realise it was a mistake. I think the options to have children on your own are there and I would look into IVF on my own in a few years rather than have a long term relationship with the wrong person.

Original poster
CoralWasp · 29/04/2024 17:00

I did recently talk to a man of another 'ethnicity' but he was one of the flaky ones who had no intention of meeting.
Honestly I can think of two couples from uni who are still together, most relationships that start in early 20s don't last that long, but it might just be my own situation!
I'll give the apps another go tonight.

OP posts:
dimllaishebiaith · 29/04/2024 16:55

I'm loving the conflicting advice of the OP needing to be suddenly shorter because men will find her intimidating whilst simultaneously needing to date shorter men. Like how does that work?

Never mind the somewhat racist idea that she needs to go for men other women aren't going for like "men of other ethnicities" 🙄

OP those who have given you sensible advice like treating dating like a job, being ruthless with your criteria and making sure you are going out a lot because you will meet men you might like in your wider social circle, for example my DH went to school with one of my friends so I met him at a wider social occasion

Loubelle70 · 29/04/2024 16:06

heartbrokenof · 29/04/2024 15:59

Reading the replies a lot of them are spot on.

The truth is a lot of good men are snapped up in their 20s. I'm the same age as you and everyone in my husbands circle and my circle are married to people they started dating before they were 25. Maybe wait for some divorces? 🤣

True...but there's also reasons theyre divorced in 30 etc. I don't think we can win here. If a guy is widowed the women swarm. .there is minimal decent older guys that are single. Ive given up

WashingMachineCrisis · 29/04/2024 16:04

I didn’t meet my husband until 35 - came out of a 10 year relationship the year before as I just couldn’t settle with my lovely ex boyfriend so I took a big risk here considering I wanted children.

Got married at 37 and had my son at 38. I wish you the same success ❤️❤️❤️

heartbrokenof · 29/04/2024 15:59

Reading the replies a lot of them are spot on.

The truth is a lot of good men are snapped up in their 20s. I'm the same age as you and everyone in my husbands circle and my circle are married to people they started dating before they were 25. Maybe wait for some divorces? 🤣

YellowHighHeels · 29/04/2024 15:05

Crushed23 · 29/04/2024 13:12

I’m not overplaying the efficacy, I say upthread that a fertility doctor will be able to advise OP on how many eggs she needs to freeze at her age etc (as well as based on her medical history, as you rightly point out).

I don’t think 33 is that young - it gets harder and harder to meet a suitable man the older we get. The pool shrinks and what’s left is mostly dog shit, trust me. OP may meet the man of her dreams in the next 6 months or it may take 6 years. Freezing her eggs will increase her chances of successful IVF should she need to go down that route due to TTC at an advanced age (in terms of fertility).

Show quote history

Sorry, badly worded. I didn't mean you specifically were overplaying the outcomes I meant on MN I see generally it gets recommended in quite a casual manner. I think someone (not sure if you) suggested getting into debt for egg freezing and I wouldn't agree. Not without a lot of research, which you've obviously done (the research I mean, not saying debt).

Oh the dating pool gets murky and dog shitty alright. I met some real 'characters'. I do think there are nice blokes out there though, you just need boundaries of steel and a sharp eye for nonsense. There was a thread the other day with a similar aged woman who met a bloke. He wanted to meet her at the bar beneath his flat instead of halfway between their places. Half the thread was saying 'he hasn't done anything wrong, give him a chance', and half was saying 'the signs are there, he's not serious. Don't waste your time'. They were right. Not wasting time is key. I think female socialisation, seeing the best in people etc needs to be left at the door for this.

NCprivatelife · 29/04/2024 14:58

I find it so random so much of this thread is about men's height. Do people REALLY think about this when choosing a bloke? I mean I just don't consider it.

CuriousMoe · 29/04/2024 14:53

I’m 33! But I was the first of my immediate social circle to get married 2 years ago. Unless there’s a surprise engagement on the horizon they’re not getting married anytime soon so it seems that I am an exception. So don’t feel you’re on your own.
My DH is 43 and all of his friends got married in the last 10 years. He was actually my boss about 10 years ago, it absolutely was never even a thing until I randomly bumped into him at a local pub and we hit it off. Keep going with the online dating but you might also find a chance encounter is around the corner 😊.

CrystalJane2 · 29/04/2024 14:49
  1. The height talk is mental - some men love tall girls
  2. I think you will meet someone
  3. Dating is hard
  4. I think you could freeze your eggs if you could afford to and children are a prio?
  5. Loads of people meet online
  6. Maybe take a break right now, just to relax
  7. Don't do yourself down and get in a relationship with a man just because he wants you. Work out if you want him. Are there red flags (drugs/cheating etc). Are you bending for him? I've seen friends be so keen to be in a relationship, they've tethered themselves to the wrong people
  8. Ignore people who say "you should have married someone from uni". You didn't. It's over.