How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

I agree with PPs that you need to do this at a time when you're calm and rational, not in the middle of an argument.
Best of luck 💐

Get a pair of bollocks and kick her out today drag her out and lock the door

Is it just you 3 living at home OP? Or do you have other children living with you too? If you do have other children it must be awful for them to be living amongst all of this going on, and totally unfair on them. Maybe even traumatising depending on their age. Please do update us with what happens x

No offence but you have raised your son, now he's like this and you need to stop enabling him to be an asshole

Your enabling your son to treat you like shit. Who accepts there partner calling there mum names

If you want her out I'd say, you can't stay here anymore. When they're out change the locks, and don't give them the keys. If he goes with her, then so be it. They are two grown adults, not children. Let them go.

I can’t believe she has been so rude and disrespectful to you!! Well both of them really. But she’s not your daughter, I would never have dreamed of behaving like that at a boyfriend’s parents house where I live (rent free!) shocking behaviour. What a shit situation to be in. I do think adult children grow up a lot later these days and things can become stuck in this kind of teenage/ parent tumultuous relationship where they are adults who have absolute freedom, but need to realise they are still adults living with parents and haven’t matured enough for it to shift into the mindset of being an adult living in another adults home. Sounds like you’ve been more than accommodating, and clearly that hasn’t got you anywhere and probably isn’t helping your son mature into the real world, even though you’re just trying to do your best as a mother. It’s good that your son has apologised, I think as others have said it’s time for a calm conversation and she definitely needs to go she sounds awful not even apologised to you. Changing the locks while they’re out would probably just drive your son away even more. Would probably do him the world of good to move out and appreciate how easy he had it at home. My own relationship with my mum certainly improved after I moved out at 22, came back for a year and things were totally different I felt so bad at how I had taken her for granted before. All part of growing up. You definitely do not deserve that treatment in your own home though. Hope you find a solution OP, I’m sure things will work out xx

Speak to your son first, alone.
Remind him that you kindly allowed his guest for a non permanent stay, that you do not want drugs or vaping in your home and that it has to come to an end. Tell him you are going to ask Girlfriend to leave later that day. Tell him that if he is not vaping, not doing drugs and if he is alone and contributing to your househild financially and by helping out, he is welcome to stay.

Later that day announce that Girlfriend has one week to leave.
Remind her when she has one day to leave and that you will be gathering her things together after that and leaving them out the door. Stick to your guns when son decides to also leave.

If she has not left gather her things, call the lock smith and change the locks. Do not give your son a key. When he breaks up with her he might come home.
Be prepared to call the Police to help evict them if they will not go calmly.

I posted upthread about my mum being taken advantage of and physically threatened/harmed by a young relative and friends. This seems eerily like what I experienced with that situation. My mum complained and said she wanted to evict them but ultimately she wouldn’t allow it. If OP just wants to vent but doesn’t want to take the steps needed to fix the situation, nothing can be done. I wouldn’t believe the son’s apology and promise to change – not for a minute.

Best advice I got from my dad. You're their mother, not their friend.

I know you’re afraid to put up boundaries with your ds. But you need to for you and for him. This is part of parenting and it’s the hard bit. He will thank you in the end.

Caveat to this. Have someone with you when you tell her directly.
No sugar-coating. "I want you out by today"
There is no why. Do not even entertain a why. And no time either. Not tomorrow. Not the end of the week. If your son sides with her, chuck him out too. He's chosen a stranger over family.

Sisterhood and girl power is great, but I'd want my husband/brothers/dad there with me. If you don't have a relative, ask a neighbour et cetera. Even consider the police. There's a level of entitlement in this generation, and they respect only force. Don't underestimate her ability to play crybully.

Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

I don't understand why you're so focused on the girlfriend as the only problem.

They both go. Decide on a deadline for them to be out - you can make this a few weeks if you choose, but be clear how they must behave in the interim and that the consequence of not doing so is being told to leave immediately. Tell them this outside of an argument when everything is calm, and don't get into justifying your decision. "This is my home and your behavior has been unacceptable. You're no longer welcome to live here. You need to find somewhere to live and be out by X date. If you choose to scream or swear at me in my home again I will call the police to have you removed." End of conversation. Repeat it if they argue.

If you're genuinely afraid of your son, don't give him advanced notice. Call the police, explain the situation and ask them to come escort him and the girlfriend from your home. Have an appointment set up to change the locks in advance.

You're not doing your son any favors by letting him live off you rent free while behaving this way, and it's certainly not fair to you.

One day she will hit you, if she hasn't already.

and I do wonder if he has hit you / hurt you in the past ? as you mention ' he has some history of violent outbursts.'

You're being a doormat

I wouldn't put up with this in my home

Tell them it's not working for you, and they have 4 weeks to find themselves alternative accommodation
What another 4 weeks of being abused in her own home?
Not a chance. It's gone on too long as it is. I would give them until the end of the week. Any protests from them, they need to be told they bought it on themselves.

The first part is the hardest. Sit down with them when you are NOT angry, and have a calm discussion with them (TOLD you that's the hard part). Tell them that they have two choices (if you want to, if not, just the ultimatum). They may pay rent, do their share of household duties, and be respectful of you, OR they may find other lodgings. You have to be prepared for him to go with her. He's an adult, making adult choices (even if poor ones), and should face adult consequences. Should they decide to leave, give them a firm but reasonable timeline, and stick to it. IF necessary, you may have to pack their things and change the locks. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Steady on folks the op doesn't deserve this much of a flaming☝️🤨
I do think you've been too soft with them@55goingon15 that's because you're a nice person who wants to see the good in everyone. Which is laudable, but unfortunately people take advantage. If you lay down on the floor they will kid themselves that you enjoy being walked on😬
Time to get tough 👷‍♀️

It's your ds's gf that needs to apologise to you. How dare she call you names when you're letting her live rent free in your house

Have a conversation with him and tell him straight it’s not on and if he’s staying with weedy Wendy then they both need to leave because you will not be disrespected like that. He can stay. She can’t. If they won’t leave, you get the police to remove them. Is there anyone else who can talk to him as well, to get the point across that he’s treating you badly and has to stop now?

My son has now apologised for both of their behaviour and promised to do better.

Sorry to be cynical, but I think your son has picked up on your feelings and they're trying to "be good" - I hope it lasts, but suspect it won't.

What a horrible way to live, she at least really needs to leave your house OP. You should not be treated in this way in your own home. If he goes with her, so be it. He's old enough to move out of home now.

Kick her out, if she refuses call the police and have her escorted off.
Tell your son you won't tolerate any disrespect from now on and if he is living with you he needs to contribute.
He can see his girlfriend at her place.

At first I was thinking maybe tell the son that you are welcome to stay if you split up with her and pay rent and chip in, but you are so right. Tell him to be ashamed of himself and get out or the locks will be changed because he hasn't defended/respected you.

Wow what a pair of self absorbed AHs.

Do you have a friend preferrably male) who can be with you when you tell her to leave because you need to do this and do it now. If your son insists on going with her, so be it.
Adult children are not a parents problem. You owe your son nothing, he owes you bug time.

Sending a hug, no wonder she's at your house, her parents/guardian probably threw her out.

Agree with this. If my son’s girlfriend spoke to me like that I would 100% ask her to leave. I’d give them 48 hours notice and even that’s being generous. What an awful way to treat you and for your son to let that happen.