How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

Sorry OP, but you've lost any sympathy I had with your plight! I'm out!

My DS when not with the GF is lovely to me

Oh, 55goingon15, you are really kidding yourself, aren't you? And when I read the part of your post shown above I was just 😲 So he's only nice when the girlfriend's not around? What does this say about him? What does it say about his feelings for YOU? Doesn't say much for his character, does it? Is he such a wimp with everything?

What if the girlfriend forbids him to talk to you - will he meekly do as she tells him, or what? That's what will happen - she'll try to alienate him and you need to consider the possibility that she'll succeed - she's very much in the driving seat here, can you not see that?

Sympathy for your son's situation? 😂- if rents are so high, they should surely be acting in a mature and responsible way, which they haven't been - so why is that your problem? If they don't respect a rented flat or house the landlord could, quite rightly, give them notice to quit - and why not?

You really are in denial, aren't you? This is just ridiculous and I think you know it isn't going to work. What happens if the girlfriend gets pregnant? Will then still live in the caravan - or back in your house, where no doubt the situation will be even worse than before? Wise up, OP.

No, don't bother with all this faff, OP - they need to leave. End of.

The reality of life will be a nice wake-up call for them, especially if they present themselves at the local Council as being homeless. See how far they get with that one! 😃

Think back to the 'terrible twos' - remember? remember how they banged on saucepans with wooden or metal spoons until you told them to stop, or took it away, and they discovered how far they could wind you up until you had enough?

Perhaps these two are doing exactly that, and they will go on until you say 'enough is enough'.

You could start shopping for one, get a smaller fridge/freezer and put a lock on it. Don't stock the larder more than you need for yourself for a week. Buy milk, eggs, bread and butter for one - you.

Put cleaning and polishing stuff in their room as a hint. It might work, and at least it saves nagging. Put a lock on your bedroom door with shopping inside if you cannot lock the larder.

If they are hungry they can buy their own food, though be aware they may ruin the oven/hob and microwave out of anger with you.

Young adults need to know how much it costs to live in the real world, and they can only really get that from parents, hard as it is on parents!

If they pay for their food, they must contribute to the expenses. It can only be to their benefit to find out how much it costs to live, and if they divide the cost between them, it will give them an idea of what they need to 'go it alone', and you won't end up being the gremlin who threw them out.
Give them copies of the utility bills and council tax. Point out to them that if you had the house to yourself you would pay 25% less council tax, and suggest they pay the 25% to you. Of course it is risky: they have a certain right of tenure, but if they pay their way and stop being nasty to you, it could work out, and you don't have the worry of imagining them living in shop doorways or squats.

I do sympathise with you. It is not that easy, telling them to go, is it? I am not even sure that just changing the locks and putting their stuff outside would work either.
I had similar issues, of a slightly different kind. When I remarried, I let the sons stay on in the house with their partners, though not at the same times. When they were out of work, they had a housing cheque, which they gave me, but they paid for nothing else. My husband was retired at the time, (he was 20 years older and it was very difficult for us to pay all the utilities, council tax, insurance, etc. They thought that because the house was free of finance, it didn't cost any more than the rent cheque!
I am afraid I had to wait for them to leave. There was a time when I offered to sell the house and give the two sons a quarter each to put down for a mortgage on another house, or that house if they raised a mortgage. When the one said no, if they were paying me rent it wouldn't matter if they missed payments, but if they had a mortgage, the house would be foreclosed, it was the last straw.

I see many people have commented, I havent read them all but I have read a lot, telling you to sit them down & tell them this is not on, give rules, tell them to leave etc.... Though if I've read your post correctly it seems many are missing the fact you have tried all of this & it is not working, they have an obvious sense of entitlement.
I have been in an almost identical situation, so can comment having had some experience of it.
Your options are limited because like you say, they refuse to leave & you can't physically remove them, they won't listen to your requests for them to live respectfully in your space, you can't have a conversation with them because they respond aggressively - so let's think about what you can do rather than what you can't.
You can write & you can move their belongings, so begin by writing a list of house rules, this should include everything you require from, the board they should pay, talking to you with respect, to keeping their area & the household areas clean, make sure it's detailed, so don't just put, keep the kitchen tidy, list what that requires. Date this & Ask them to sign it, Its pretty likely they won't sign & they won't follow the rules, so with this you explain, should they not sign & follow the rules they will be requested to leave, so you will also write a notice period, keep it simple, basically saying should you chose to not live by these rules you will be required to vacate the property on (x) date. removing all belongings. Be realistic in the amount of time for them to find somewhere, so four weeks is probably minimum. Again it's unlikely they will do this, so consider days they are unlikely to both be home. Think of it as like a tenancy agreement & eviction notice, though two months is the required length of time for eviction on an actual agreement, this isn't an actual tenancy, its just something that is using a similar structure.
Also totally forget about wanting her to leave but your son to stay, that's not going to happen, their need to be together trumps everything, and frankly his disrespect to you, why would you want that, that would still continue.
Whatever date you have given them to leave, you can peacefully evict them, have someone ready to change all locks, if you need it someone to help remove their belongings & you pack the belongings & put them anywhere outside your property, try to be respectful in that the belongings are safe & protected - though they don't deserve that, you are the adult & it's about doing it the right way.

More useful look up "PEGS" online about CPA child to parent abuse, they can offer advice & support. Parent services are free to access & you can self refer. They have a Facebook page too.
They will help to empower you, coping strategies, confidence building, communication & more.

I'm always happy to chat, if you want to pm, not only have I been there done it, my son & partner did get a place of their own, but then split four months later & I stupidly let him stay temporarily & it started all over again. I won't go on about my experience here because this is about you & I don't want to distract from that, I just want you to know, I get it xx

I just don’t understand why you don’t just tell them both to find somewhere else to live. I can’t see them staying in the caravan when they could just lounge round the house.

I feel really sorry for your neighbours- is it even legal for them to live there?

OP Yes you are making excuses and that is up to you. You haven't dealt with the situation and your other adult children will suffer, has this son always been the favourite and have your other children had to tiptoe around him all their lives. No wonder this situation has arisen.

Op I know a lot of people are piling on you, when you are already under a lot of stress, but your op wasn’t very clear.

To be blunt, I think what you are asking for is pretty impossible; to get rid of the gf while your son stays at home. I think you need to be prepared to let him make his own choices and let him go with her.

Are you saying that the gf is a bad influence on your ds? Some people who are ND are more easily susceptible to bad influences. If so, and he is genuinely incapable of looking after his own best interests, then you might need to step in and evict her on his behalf.

But if your ds has lived abroad independently for four years then it sounds as though he is more capable than you give him credit for and I don’t think you are helping him by forgiving such awful behaviour. If he goes back out in to the world he will learn that boundaries exist and he has to comply with them. But living at home is effectively telling him atm that they can cross the line and it’s ok.

Bluntly, if they are both involved with drugs then I think allowing them to set up in a caravan in the garden where you have even less control over the space is not a particularly good idea, as they might attract all sorts of undesirables to your address, even without intending to.

Even if that doesn’t happen, you are less able to impose boundaries when they are living in the garden and are semi-detached from the structure of your family.

Finally, if the rest of the family dislike the gf then why are you in effect insisting that they all have to put up with her? A family is not a democracy op. It’s very hard when you are a single parent and obviously parenting nowadays involves a lot of negotiating and consultation back and forth, but ultimately you are in charge, and your role is to surely advocate for what is best for the family as a whole?

This moving into the caravan is such a bad idea, they'll turn it into a shit hole, house door will be left unlocked etc etc.
It gets her out of the house but it's no good and doesn't resolve anything. She's still not apologised to you for her behaviour and that needs to happen to move forward. Not your son doing it on her behalf because she won't. I'd kick her out, she really is the cuckoo that's going to take over your house otherwise.

This seems to be an 'ah, poor me' thread from the OP, also known as the 'I've got the martyr complex so will ignore what's said' syndrome. A huge tale of woe but loads of irrelevant excuses made and no sign at all that she's taken on board any of the advice - so everything carries on as before, except she's had a bit of sympathy.

Prediction: son and girlfriend will carry on as before (I must be psychic).

I’m not usually this mean especially as a survivor of DV but please, grow a backbone and just make her move out entirely. I don’t think you realise how much this sounds like you’ve given in to her. Them staying in a caravan in your garden seems infinitely worse.

By behaving like a doormat you are encouraging them to spend their money ( which is really your money ) on drugs. This will not help them to improve their situation. They need to have to spend their money on essentials and have less to spend on drugs. You are facilitating their drug problem, and the bad behaviour that goes with that. Sorry to say this.

All a caravan will do is annoy your neighbors.

I think the g/f will see the caravan as a stepping stone back into the house, and WHEN she gets back into the house she will punish OP for banishing her to the caravan. From what OP has said this girl feels she can do exactly as she pleases, and NO-ONE has put her straight, she has everyone dancing to her tune!

The caravan sounds like a terrible idea to be, OP, for all the reasons that other people have said.

Why don’t you just tell the gf to leave? If your other adult children are there to back you up, it’ll be easier to tell her.

Your son can do what he wants, either stay at home or go with her. Either way, it’s not the end of the world, he’s a man in his 20’s.

Sorry OP, but I'm going to be blunt too, do you realise how pathetic you sound?? Why come on here looking for advice if you're just going to ignore what everyone is telling you? You're right, it does sound like you're making excuses for him, and that's fine if you're prepared to put up with being treated like an idiot, but it certainly wouldn't be acceptable to me, nor to most of the other parents on MN by the sound of it. Find your backbone woman, and throw them out with the aid of your other grown up child who is living with you, you said they don't like her either, so I'm sure they'll be only too happy to back you up, but letting them move into the caravan is a ridiculous idea, so put the keys where no one except you can find them, as the last thing you need is to add to your problems, which letting them move into it, definitely will!

Well, this won't improve things. They'll be in and out, still using the bathroom/toilet/kitchen when it suits them, as others have said it is basically an outside bedroom.

Your son managed to live abroad independently for years. If you stop babying him and respect yourself and your other children by not allowing him and girlfriend to ride roughshod over you, you would discover that he's quite capable of doing it again.

Isn't the caravan an outside bedroom ? I would be petty and get them a chemical toilet which the caravan will have anyway so they are not traipsing in and out.

So you're going to roll over for your son again. Keep making excuses for him so no need for consequences.

OP I don't mean this nastily, I mean it honestly - don't be surprised if your other adult DC decide to move out.

Stopping the cooking and cleaning won't work - they will simply get takeaways, or use her cooker and her washing machine, thus making use of OP's electric without paying for it. Users just carry on using, it'll make no difference and the OP is so passive she will allow it. If food is in the fridge and the electricity is still connected, they will simply use it themselves. The only thing that will work is to tell them to get out - and mean it, no last-minute promises or pleadings. They've had their chance.

Sorry, OP, but how much can your son think of you if he allows this to go on? Not a lot, that's for sure. He's made his choice - the girlfriend. It's time they learnt a hard lesson, otherwise you'll still be posting about the same thing on repeat in three years' time. What if she gets pregnant? No prizes for guessing who will be left holding the baby!🙄

I agree with those who are saying this sounds even worse.

They'll have the heater on all night and leave the door open all the time.

Tell them to take the caravan somewhere else and live in it somewhere else.

Not in your garden, not using your utilities, not with access to your house and food and bathroom, fuck that.

You need to stand up for yourself and this isn't doing that. It looks like a peacekeeping, face saving exercise which will end up costing you a lot of money and a lot of hassle.

I'd also be scared they'd burn themselves to death while high in the caravan tbh.

Dunno, but this really doesn't seem the solution.