New Sister-in-Law’s effect on husband

It's just a family culture difference isn't it. My family are more like yours. My DH's are more like the ones who can do what they want. I think it's nicer to be an in-law in the second type of family to be perfectly honest with you.

Good for you. I’d not want to, so I’d expect to not be told to go by my DH, just because it’s his aunt.

It's not to raise money for that person. Presumably it's something that the aunt runs to raise funds for a charity. I'd absolutely expect to support a family member in that kind of situation, when it's only once every 18 months.

I missed this on first reading 😬

I don't even see my own parents that often - I certainly wouldn't expect DH to! Admittedly we do see his dad more but he's older, only lives round the corner and is recently widowed so it's a very different set of circumstances.

You go to a fundraiser for the same person every 18 months?

I’d be trying to get out of that too.

So you have been conditioned/guilt tripped to do things you don't want just because it's family and think it's reasonable to ask your SO to do the same? Life is too short (and too full of too many other things we don't want to do that we have to do such as work) to feel obliged to go to something that gives us no joy. If your BF genuinely enjoyed going to these gatherings, I'm sure he would. Perhaps you just need to accept that he doesn't. As long as he enjoys spending time with you, I don't see what the problem is. But if you feel really strongly about this and it's an expectation, perhaps you're not compatible.

YABU for calling her your SIL when they are not married. It's confusing to people reading the thread. She is his GF, not wife

Good to see the new SIL putting her foot down and starting as she means to go on.

The OP's husband is probably in awe of her and wishes he'd done the same.

Yuck, sounds controlling to me.Your husband is married to you, not your family. He's also an independent person who has the right to chose to spend his time the way he wants to.

I don't go to many family gatherings because tbh with you I dislike my SO's family. They are boring, overbearing, controlling and I get 0 out of seeing them, and trust me, I've tried really hard to 'get alonf' with them. I usually end up feeling depleted, angry or a combination of both after seeing them, so what's the point? My time is too precious to be spending it with people I do not like. However, I have always been 'there' to help in case of a family emergency. I just don't feel the need to have a close relationship t
with them.

If my SO expected me to have a close relationship with his family, I'd feel really suffocated. You can't make anyone do anything, it'll only brewed resentment.

It seems like you value 'family time' and being 'close' more than he does - and that's ok. He's not forbidding you to see your family but you have no right to force him to see to yours.

I once non-purposefully caused a mass exodus from an in laws Christmas party.

Husband and I arrived together, but he was travelling for work from a nearby station after the party. These parties usually go on for what I consider to be a very unreasonable 12pm-6pm.

Since I didn't have to drive my husband back, I seized the opportunity to make a polite excuse (truth was I was going home to binge on Netflix, write Christmas cards and generally not spend a whole six hours being asked when I was having children). I said my farewells at 3pm, and was promptly followed by half a dozen other guests who took my departure as a cue to leave.

By the time 4.30 had rolled around, most of the other guests had followed suit.

Husband was mildly narked at me for "spoiling the party", but if 20/25 guests had voluntarily skipped 25-50% of the party then it's a sign the party is too bloody long!

I personally think spouse should show up to majority events and occationally suffer through an additional dinner (assuming they can muster up a smile and wont ruin it). They don't need to come to a weekly Sunday lunch or attend every single nibling birthday. Of he was committed to this charity event he should respect it and then consider next time if it is a 'major' event.

My bf is different to me. He feels all my family events are optional and it does cause a bit of conflict and we're trying to navigate it. I mainly go alone.Our families are very different and hile has no sense of duty to show up. Where are I've been raised very much in 'you show up for family and friends' mentality.

I'm kinda with you op in that o consider DHS family - certainly his parents - my family and I'd be unimpressed if he didn't know something as simple as the names of my siblings kids. However it seems like you've always just worked to your expectations and he's never really had a say.

Why no go to aunts thing for a short time then go to the gallery ?
Hailing that then sorry but they're adults.
You sound very bizarre expecting you DH to visit your parents at time points you see fit - this would piss me off if it was my DH telling this to me

Unless the aunt's event is mega important to you, I don't see him as being in the wrong.

He hasn't said anything against your family, just (probably) finds these get togethers a bit dull.

My DH had the expectation that I will get involved in family events. I am not a social person and detested having to make small talk with strangers. Fair enough if it’s parents and siblings, but uncles and aunts as well seemed too much. So we had a compromise in the end that I only did about a third of all the family stuff.
I would have gone absolutely demented with your setup. Maybe give your DH more choice which events he attends. Also not everyone is thrilled with having people constantly drop by. These things should be a compromise so that everyone has a say in what they want to do.

Also love the thread title, like it's the girlfriend's fault 🙄

I insisted he came with us. I know my mother was annoyed by sister-in-law not coming but brother didn’t feel he could tell her what to do.

At least your family has one sensible non control freak.

You have no right to 'insist' another adult does anything they don't want to do.

Your mother has no right to be annoyed another adult has decided not to go to some even organised by her sister.

It all sounds so tense and miserable.

The whole point of the trip was to go to the aunt's event. So yes, he should go, and his expectation when you put it in the diary was that he would go. Trying to get out of it when you were about to leave the accommodation for the event was unreasonable.

What do you mean hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks? How often are you expecting him to see them?😱

How much does all these events cost to attend and can you afford it? Last type of charity event I went to was a dinner with an auction £150 a plate and expectation to BID! If its an event like that I can see his fatigue!

It sounds to me like you think families should play by your idea of normal.

You want him to see your family on a regularity that's appropriate to you.

You don't see why he's seeing his family without you because it means you're not amassing the appropriate number of visits.

They're nothing wrong with either of your viewpoints, they're just different.

Rather than expecting him to come along with you, talk to him beforehand and ask him if he'll come along because it's important to you rather than telling him he's coming along because he should.

With regard to him hm seeing his parents without you in the daytime - leave him to it, they're his parents. If you have a good relationship with them, pop in by yourself too.

Don't think your DH has to see your family every couple of weeks

I don’t think it’s normal to expect a partner to see your family if it’s only been a couple of weeks or so since the last did. However, if a specific event is planned then I would ask and hope DH would come along with me. It’s not for me to make him do anything though.

When you marry a person do you marry them or them and their family?

For you the answer is the person AND their family.
For your husband the answer is just the person.

Neither's wrong. But you're going to have to thrash out compromises. And so far it sounds like he's been compromising out of his comfort zone and new SIL modelled for him that he could push the boundary more.
I think you're going to have to rethink things OP. Your aunt's charity event is a stretch IMHO, if he's really not interested in it it should not be a big deal that he doesn't go.

I thinks I'd be miffed too OP. Sometimes in a relationship you do something for the other party that you don't want to do - you put their needs before yours.

So you wanted to support your aunt and it's important to you to show family unity. He doesn't want to go but has always gone.

I don't think him wanting to get out of an event is wrong. I don't think you wanting him to go is wrong. It's about compromise. Once every 18 months, fine. Once a month, I'd be a bit "mneh" about it too.