New Sister-in-Law’s effect on husband

Your husband didn't want to see your family so you are blaming your brothers new girlfriend? No wonder she didn't want to spend a day hanging out with you

She is not your SIL. She is brother's new gf.

What's the event? Charity ball or bingo night or school fair. Depending on the event is he really needed?

As someone else said with GF opting out he hadn't realised until now that could be an option.

He sees your family a lot (maybe too much). Perhaps if you scaled it back he wouldn't want to duck out of an event that his non SIL showed could be done.

It has literally nothing to do with your new SIL, OP.

‘ your niece’ - also your husband’s niece if you’re married surely? Is he that disinterested in your family? That’s the issue.

Double post.

If my dh couldn’t;t even be bothered enough to know the names of my nieces and nephews, then yes, I would be very upset.

I mean, DH has about 20 nieces and nephews and I doubt he could name them all lol. And there's certainly no way I could - at least, not without sitting and writing them all down, and even then I'd need prompting. I'd also definitely get a few mixed up between families and I know I'd get nieces/grand-nieces names mixed up too.

It's not because I'm not bothered, it's because we're just not a close family and there's no reason for me to be able to name them all.

Yanbu to expect your h to attend some family functions together but I completely disagree that 2 weeks is a long time not to have seen your parents.

It sounds like you and him completely disagree on the role of extended family. You want him to put in the same effort that you do towards his family but he sees your family as yours and his as his so isn’t bothered by the effort that you invest into your ILs. You want to impose your family norms (seeing each others parents at least once a fortnight ) when his family norms are different.

His reaction that finding out that attendance wasn’t mandatory sounds a little juvenile but maybe it’s time to discuss a compromise amount of contact. For example you might say that the aunt’s party is non-negotiable but allow him to be excused from other gatherings

You mention your mum’s reactions to SIL’s non-attendance. Is that what drives you to make your h see your family at least once a fortnight ?

If my dh couldn’t;t even be bothered enough to know the names of my nieces and nephews, then yes, I would be very upset.

big family events, absolutely everyone has to make an appearance.

random day to day stuff, not so much.

obviously all assuming no abuse/poor behaviour etc.

I would expect my DH to attend important family occasions and likewise he'd be pissed off if I refused to attend his. I'd also expect him to come along to the odd Sunday/pub lunch. I think this is perfectly normal.

I wouldn't expect him to attend something that was perhaps really niche (I can't think of an example right now) and he wouldn't expect me to watch the FA Cup final with his brother and dad. I hate football.

As for him popping into your parents once a forthnight, no, that shouldn't be expected at all.

I think I like the new addition to your family, although for her sake I am not sure I hopes shes a permanent addition!.
I remember when me and DH hadnt been together long and we were visiting his family (there were Aunties, uncles, Grandparents and various othere) and MIL announced a walk. I said "no thanks, I will chill out here with my book" and there was stunned silence due tot he fact that someone was having an independent thought.
Luckily they eventually got used to my "strange ways".
You sound pretty enmeshed with your family and if everyone is happy with that then its fine but you all need to realise that anyone who marries in might not feel the same

What on earth are you on about with that title?

DH and I have an agreement that for the birthday parties (and any weddings) of our respective family members we always attend together. Otherwise we just let the other decide whether they want to come along or not.

I don't see my own family every couple of weeks let alone expect dh to! I'm still resentful that i had to entertain his dad so much when i was on mat leave once upon a time. My assorted family live about 20 minutes drive away. Dh does Xmas visiting and would always do an event. But just visiting for a chat etc? No.

if he hasn’t seen them for a couple of weeks I expect him to see them with me, maybe popping in after shopping or something.

You expect him to see your family at least once a fortnight. Why? Why can't he just see them as much or as little as he wants?

Oh God no, I couldn't be bothered being harangued to spend time anywhere or do anything because my DH has chosen to do it with his family.

I think you just have different expectations, neither is wrong..
My husband and I give each other a free pass for all family events.. Unless it's something really important we say we want the other person there but apart from that there is no obligation on us to go to in law events..
Similarly, if they come to our house the other person doesn't have to stay and chat if they're not in the mood..
Part of this comes from the fact our families are very different and it's hard for us sometimes to be with them, it works for us!

If my dh travelled with me with the expectation we would attend a specific event together then I would expect him to go and not bow out.

Other things like popping in to see my family, nah my dh is not that interested. Yesterday me and dc visited my two sisters and then my parents. My dh would prefer to stay at home and do jobs. He does go away with my family and friends at least 3 times a year for abroad holidays and weekends. I just pick my battles.

I think you’re being unreasonable to want him at the “charity thing” just because it’s some kind of family expectation. If he doesn’t enjoy it it must be tedious spending time there.
But I do think it’s very rude of him just to shake hands when your family come round and retreat to his man-cave. Surely 30 minutes chatting isn’t too much.
That said, it sounds like he and you have different ideas of what relationships with the wider family should look like. Without knowing you all, it’s hard to judge whether he’s being unusually insular or your family is a bit overwhelming with expectations of constant socialising. And we don’t know how loud and full-on they are. They might be perfectly reasonable and lovely, they might be the kind of loud, braying, overly jolly people that most people wouldn’t much like.

Not sure why you are blaming your SIL here.

it’s nice to go to some family get together as but I would never expect to spend all of them together.

if it’s not someone’s thing why would you force them to be there. My partners family will often go and watch the football together I am not fussed about it so will often treat myself to a film instead.

Same! I was expecting this to be about limerence for her!

That's great that you and your late husband's family had a connection and got along well. Not everyone is like that and there are many families who are frankly, unbearable.

I started reading and thought you were building up to say that your aunt caught them at it in a quiet corner of the art exhibition. But disappointed to be honest.

I'm so glad that my late husband and I supported each other in our contact with our in-laws, and our attitude that we're all family.
Following his death, his family have been a huge emotional and loving support to me. Putting in that time and interest in them (and them doing the same for me) over all those years, has reaped unforeseen rewards.

Had he asked not to go earlier on, when the visit and accommodation was being arranged, fine. But they were already in the location, at the accommodation, and getting ready to leave for the event! That was just rude and unkind.

Nope. I knew this was going to be the reading. I just personally think that if it is my grandmother's 90th birthday or my best friends wedding I don't even have to think if it's my vibe. They are important people to me and it is an important event to them then I will show up. I don't even stop to think if I actually want to. I automatically do want to show up for people I care about. Maybe it is conditioning and decades of guilt tripping as it is put. I wouldn't call it that. I do appreciate that my loved ones show up for me. And yes. I sometimes expect my bf to show up for my family aswell and hold myself for the same standard with his side. And yes, of course this is all part of the compatibility discussions we are having and the compromises that we expect from each other.

He goes the fundraiser every 18 months and he asks once to not go and you start a thread about him 🤦🏼‍♀️ Poor guy! No I wouldn’t expect my husband to go to every event. I’m a grown up and quite happy being with my family at an event on my own.