Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Breaking it off, do I tell him the truth about why?

110 replies

ManorLord · 28/04/2024 08:54

Been seeing someone for a few months. The very first date he talked about his kids non stop. I thought it was kind of sweet but did find it a bit boring after a while. Anyway I didn’t say anything, second date was the same, talking about his kids non stop from the minute we met until the goodbye. I had tried to change the topic multiple times but somehow it always came back to his kids. After that date he started sending me photos of his kids, first few pics I replied “lovely pics” but he continued sending them and I started ignoring the messages in the end. Eventually he messaged asking what kind of day I was having so I replied talking about what my day had entailed and asked him about his … he replied “oh you are still alive! Haha you went quiet on me! I’m just trying to find you the photos from Christmas of the kids”. I didn’t reply as there didn’t seem to be a tactful way of saying I didn’t want them!

every time we’ve met since it’s been the same … talking about his kids and showing me photos. On the last date I was hesitant to go and he asked why … I said “conversation is a bit of a struggle”. He seemed suprised and said “but we talk non stop when we meet!” And I replied “no you talk, about the kids. It’s nice but I’d like to talk about other stuff”. He replied “oh, you have a problem with my kids 😞” … I knew this would happen, trying to make me look like an arsehole for not being obsessed with his kids. I replied “no, I have kids too but I don’t talk about them constantly do I?” He replied “sorry, but I love my kids”. 🙄 I said “most parents love their kids, me included but I have other interests, you wouldn’t know as you never ask”

Anyway … we agreed to another date with kid talk off the table. We practically sat there in silence.

He’s been texting me ever since trying to talk about other stuff yet he’s still sending me photos of his kids - I’m going to break it off, do I tell him it’s because of the endless kid talk or just say we’re not compatible?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 28/04/2024 11:01

DULL DULL DULL. Get out now

Remembermetoonewholivedthere · 28/04/2024 10:45

You could say something like,

”Dear Man, thanks for the dates we’ve had; I’m sorry but I don’t think our relationship has a future so I think it’s best if we don’t meet up again.

You are obviously a great, involved father, which is admirable, and I completely understand how focused you are on your kids, as I am on mine, but I don’t think you have enough room in your life yet to look towards developing a fulfilling relationship with an adult partner.

Wishing you well,
ML “

If he follows up with a phone call you could then be more honest and say that you found it difficult to learn anything about him outside of his relationships with his kids, and felt that he wasn’t particularly interested in learning about you.

Better luck next time op!

Edited to say: you don’t owe him an explanation, and on balance, he doesn’t sound very receptive to feedback!

SapphireOpal · 28/04/2024 10:43

Oh my god they're 16 and 18?! I assumed they were "cute" toddlers and he was sending pics in the way you send baby/toddler pics to family. And even when I thought that it gave me the ick.

I wouldn't send their own grandparents random pics of them eating fish and chips at 18 😂

Janpoppy · 28/04/2024 10:32

TinDogTavern · 28/04/2024 10:11

The thing is you've already told him what the problem is (and done it in a really nice way) and nothing has changed other than he's tried to make you feel bad about it. I would dump and I wouldn't bother trying to explain again why.

This nails it.

Just keep it generic. The only reason you need to end dating someone is that you're just not feeling it. Simple as.

RagzRebooted · 28/04/2024 10:31

ManorLord · 28/04/2024 09:21

It’s not that he doesn’t see his kids, he has them every weekend and one night during the week (then I get constant updates of their antics 🙄) I wouldn’t mind but they’re 16 and 18! Example of how ridiculous it is … he sent me a photo yesterday titled “hungry hippos!” … his kids (who are almost adults) sat eating fish and chips. It’s just boring

Oh wow, I assumed they were under 10!
Do they know he's sending their photos to you? Mine are that age and they'd be horrified!

AccountCreateUsername · 28/04/2024 10:31

Cnidarian · 28/04/2024 10:29

Only thing unreasonable about this is that you seem to have another date lined up....why?!

That date already happened, so boring you missed it. OP has no plans to meet this man again 👏🏼

Cnidarian · 28/04/2024 10:29

Only thing unreasonable about this is that you seem to have another date lined up....why?!

AccountCreateUsername · 28/04/2024 10:27

He doesn’t event care that he’s boring you and taking over all conversation. What a cunt! Just tell him it over and you can’t be friends. It’ll hurt too much then block.

Oblomov24 · 28/04/2024 10:26

Hungry hippos, I used to like the actual game. Twat.

Oblomov24 · 28/04/2024 10:24

Why were you so tolerant in the first place? He's bound to play this to his own Advantedge: oh I met this nice woman but she criticised me for being a good dad, interested in my kids. Hmm

zingally · 28/04/2024 10:22

"Dear Man,
I've enjoyed getting to know you, but actually have decided that we're not really very compatible, so I don't want to proceed any further with you. Wishing you all the best, OP."

Then ignore.

You said your piece, it fell on deaf ears. Time to move on.

AccountCreateUsername · 28/04/2024 10:21

ManorLord · 28/04/2024 09:21

It’s not that he doesn’t see his kids, he has them every weekend and one night during the week (then I get constant updates of their antics 🙄) I wouldn’t mind but they’re 16 and 18! Example of how ridiculous it is … he sent me a photo yesterday titled “hungry hippos!” … his kids (who are almost adults) sat eating fish and chips. It’s just boring

🤣 I shouldn’t laugh at your misfortune OP you you are clearly wasted on that boring joyless man! Go find yourself someone worthy of your brilliance asap and don’t bother telling him why or engaging further.

SillyLittleWoman · 28/04/2024 10:16

But you say you've been with him for several months. He's done nothing but chat and send pics of his kids for several months??

Surely not, there has to be more to him than this otherwise you'd have just phased him out after date 3 or 4..?

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/04/2024 10:14

My original thought was his kids are both under 5yo and he's trying to find a girlfriend who will also be lead babysitter.

But 16 and 18! He's completely bonkers.

He's got bigger problems than not keeping a girlfriend...he is far too intense and helicoptery for that age of kids.

GRex · 28/04/2024 10:11

Why did you continue to date someone who bores you? Throw them back faster next time.

I see no issue with being clear: "I have been very bored hearing nothing from you except about your kids. I also think sending constant photos of teenagers to someone they don't even know is wildly inappropriate. Please don't contact me again."

TinDogTavern · 28/04/2024 10:11

The thing is you've already told him what the problem is (and done it in a really nice way) and nothing has changed other than he's tried to make you feel bad about it. I would dump and I wouldn't bother trying to explain again why.

Olika · 28/04/2024 10:05

Too much time spent on him (and his kids) already. You have been quite patient, I would have stopped seeing him after the first date.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/04/2024 10:05

I don't think @ManorLord is trying to be mean, she asked him to talk about anything but his DC and he couldn't, so now she knows this isn't going to get any better. Does she tell him straight? His DC are now so close to adulthood he's going to have to change or he'll have no life, he sounds desperate to pretend they're still little children.

Elephantsareace · 28/04/2024 10:00

He'd have been done, over and out as soon as he implied I didn't love my kids.

But there's no point telling him again. He sounds extremely tedious. Just do the it was lovely to meet you but I don't think we are compatible so will not be seeing you again message.

fancyfrogs · 28/04/2024 09:59

16 and 18 😂😂 thought you were going to say they were a good 10 years younger than that. Absolutely crazy. Get rid and yeah I'd tell him why! He sounds awful

ToxicChristmas · 28/04/2024 09:55

I'm surprised you agreed on another date!
I'd just say that you don't feel a connection, wish him well and block. There's nothing else to say really.

MzHz · 28/04/2024 09:54

You gave it longer than I would have @ManorLord

well at the end of my dating days anyway.

you have him the opportunity to do something about it, but he has clearly nothing going on in his life except his kids lives and that IS dull.

i had a female friend who was similar, every conversation was dominated by anything and everything about her dc and tbh, I’m not interested.

I also didn’t like his “oh you’ve got a problem with my kids” bollocks too.

“No, I don’t have a problem with your kids, I have a problem in that this is all you talk about and I can’t get to know you for you if we only ever talk about other people”

but ultimately @ManorLord youre not suited, he’s not ready for a relationship and it seems like he’s trying to force a blended family or set you up to be part time mummy to his kids.*

*ha ha… edited to laugh at the idea that near adults need a part time mummy

he’s a tool, you gave him a good chance, be honest and tell him why, that it’s not the kids themselves it’s the fact that he has nothing else to talk about and his social skills need serious work.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2024 09:52

ManorLord · 28/04/2024 09:21

It’s not that he doesn’t see his kids, he has them every weekend and one night during the week (then I get constant updates of their antics 🙄) I wouldn’t mind but they’re 16 and 18! Example of how ridiculous it is … he sent me a photo yesterday titled “hungry hippos!” … his kids (who are almost adults) sat eating fish and chips. It’s just boring

My question is if he is so clearly dull and boring to you, is why you’ve strung this along?? You were bored after the first date so why not just end it there?
This post feels a little mean tbh. He’s not doing anything awful, he’s just not for you.

Mummysaf · 28/04/2024 09:52

he protests too much.and it’s boring
has he just started seeing them again or something?!
also 16 and 18
I thought you were going to say far younger

I’m lucky to get a picture of my 16 and 18 year old!!

caringcarer · 28/04/2024 09:48

TheTartfulLodger · 28/04/2024 09:35

You just tell him that you don't feel he's ready for dating as his kids are clearly a greater priority for him at the moment.

This.