Exes wife taking children on holiday

If he’d asked rather than told you what would you have said?

Step parents cannot win on here.

How nice for your DCs to go on holiday with their sibling and SM.

I hope they enjoy themselves and have a great time.

And kudos to this SM for being fair, inclusive and loving to your DCs because there's plenty out there including many on MN who would rather die than put themselves out for 1 minute for their SCs.

Why?

I feel like it’s lovely that they’re treated equally to the younger sibling, and that she cares for them and treats them the same. That’s something to appreciate and be happy about. For me, though, I don’t like the ‘told not asked’ attitude, and I’d also not like it if I had no relationship or communication with the stepmum.

I have very good friends I’ve been on holiday with, with all the kids, and not everyone is as (I feel) water/sea safe as I am. I also have friends who don’t overthink things like sleepovers and their kids being around unknown adults. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or they’re bad parents, it’s just things I’m not comfortable with myself. If there’s other wider family there, I’d be concerned about random uncles etc and I’d also want to know everyone’s vigilance levels around my kids. So wouldn’t be a blanket no, but I’d want more communication and info.

I say this as someone who has taken a child that’s not mine here there and everywhere. I would expect a parent to be reassured and feel they have input etc though. However old they are, or whatever they want, they’re still YOUR babies and you have the right to know where they’re going and who with IMO. I’d want a good conversation with the wife to feel reassured.

Building lasting childhood memories with their sibling. Of course it’s ok.

He probably should have checked with you first but I couldn’t get myself worked up over this as whats good for the children should be first priority.

It wouldn’t be a hill I’d die on.

I can see that would make you feel a bit funny but its rather lovely that your child is included with his other family.

Too often step parents are lambasted on here for not involving step kids. Does feel a step parent can never do anything right from posts on here!

This!

All the kids are being treated the same. Isn't this what most posts about step children boil down to?

Yes it might have been nice to have been asked, not told, but if it's happening on his watch, then I am not sure what the problem is.

Had she been taking their child only and you were asked to change your arrangements, would this have been better for you, or would you have posted about the unfairness?

She’s been their stepmother for 7 years, for 2/3 and 3/4 of their lives. Almost certainly known them longer. She is the mother to their sibling.

Do you not think that after being split from your ex from what - at least 8 years? - it’s time to stop complaining about him?

And complaining to him… if he’s already had to point out that it’s his time and his decision, sounds like you’ve already embarrassed yourself.

You separated when they were young and they must have go together soon afterwards, so she has been a significant part of their lives.

As long as you trust she’ll look after them, then there’s no problem.

On another thread. A step mother has been criticised for only buying her child a gift and not stepson, who lives with them half a week. At least this step mum is treating them equally.

She’s not trying to replace you, but include them in this holiday with her family. It’s nice the grandparents/uncles etc want them to go also.

Why not abroad?

they are with someone who has been their step Mum for the majority of their lives and their sibling.

To me the fact they are all going together shows how hard they are working to try to keep things as fair as possible and give all children the same opportunities.

They are old enough that she won't be doing day-to-day personal care, and there are two of them. Do they usually spend lots of time together without your ex?

This is the most sensible thing I've read in a while!

I guess it depends if you like and trust her. If you do then great. She’s treating them the same as her kids. But if not then you could say well I don’t give permission - if it’s abroad. But that could back fire on you one day.
Why isn’t he going?

UK holiday I would be okay, abroad absolutely not.

I can understand it smarting the way it was put to you but I'd be glad that the children were being included. Often stepmums don't so if the kids are happy, I would be too.

I don't see the issue?
What are your concerns about this?
Are the kids happy to go?
I think it's great that the step mom wants to take the kids with, shows she see them as part of the family too.

I get that you'd have liked to be asked - I would too. But I'm guessing the situation is something like your ex works FT, therefore his wife cares for your DC while he's at work, she wants to visit her family OS during the school holidays and so it's either she takes them with her, or he has to take time off work/the DC get left with a babysitter/you get asked to have them instead? He's handled it a bit clumsily, but it may be that he thinks this is the best solution and it's his time and they are his DC, so it's not unreasonable.

Pick your battles, this doesn't need to be one of them.

Love the fact they treating all the children the same. What do the children think. I see nothing wrong re the holiday. Maybe should have asked not told only mistake. Do you ask permission to take the children away or just tell him.

Do you ask his permission to do things during your time?
If the children are ok with it then I would be

I think that’s lovely. She is treating your children like her own. There are so many posts on here complaining their children are treated differently to the children in the new family, or the step parent not wanting to get involved in the care of the stepkids. This woman has been involved with your kids for almost their whole lives, must love them, and wants to take them on holiday. What are your reservations? Do you think your kids won’t enjoy going on a holiday with their sibling and stepmum?

If the kids get on with her and want to go, then why not? She is their step mum and their child is your kid’s sibling. What’s wrong with her taking? (I’m saying this as someone in the same position. My ex’s partner takes my kids out to do things and for a weekend away).

Sounds fine.

He’s told you about, so you have the opportunity to object if you want.

If the children are happy with it, you trust her, sounds like a fun adventure for them?

Good on her travelling alone with all three children!