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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
stopringingme · 28/04/2024 07:31

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

The sister only works 3 days a week for six hours each of those day and then does a market stall some weekends.

She does not work Monday or Friday so she could look after her Mum on those days instead.

@margolves it is one of the hardest things looking after someone with dementia, I have been there and it just breaks you.

You are working, it is one of the hardest jobs there is - caring for a loved one, it is unpaid and generally not appreciated by those around you.

The same question over and over again is one of the worst things about it, and having to pretend it is the first time they have asked the question and trying to answer without annoyance creeping in.

You need to put your foot down with your sister and tell her in plain words that she needs to step up and share the load.

You will make yourself ill and what will she do then when you are unable to help look after your Mum, it is better for her to work with you instead of against you.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 07:03

MachineGunnerKellis · 28/04/2024 06:59

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look

Sadly we aren't wealthy, or do you mean disputes between siblings? Sorry I haven;t read that board. Thank you though. I'll be up all night so I might do it then. ( but Australia not UK).

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 07:01

Oh thanks so much. We need to find a place where they can be together. ( they've been married for 64 years! That is the only thing that is upsetting mum. She's be happy to sit with him all day even if he's asleep. A real truthful love story. Amazingly, just the week before ( I must have had a feeling) I got myself added on as a person who can speak for them (representative ?). My sister already was ( surprise there) . So I will call them tomorrow.

OP posts:
MachineGunnerKellis · 28/04/2024 06:59

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:50

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:45

In January when they were living at home together! Totally irrelevant now so have to start again I think? Making so many phone calls on Monday.

Show quote history

I don't think so (guessing, my mum lived with me when she had various assessments in the last few years). Was she at a level 2 so she could get home care? Mum was last assessed at level 4, then when I had to get her into care they had to do the financial checking to see what fees she'd pay (she's on the base level that comes out of the pension, plus a couple of dollars accommodation). Tip: ring MyAgedCare the minute their lines open. Fingers crossed, all the people there I spoke to were very helpful.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:48

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/04/2024 06:44

@margolyes Your sister works Tues, Wed, Thursday, so have you negotiated with her to swap her weekend of looking after your mum with your Monday and Friday?

You have a 12 year old so I get why you might not be able to commit to every weekend.

Sorry. I'm sure you make sense. I am just soooo tired. I guess not this weekend ( market) and not the following weekend ( visit to daughter) that's actually a good idea for the 3rd weekend! Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:45

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:42

I'm in Australia too! Has your mum been assessed by MyAgedCare yet?

Show quote history

In January when they were living at home together! Totally irrelevant now so have to start again I think? Making so many phone calls on Monday.

OP posts:
IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:44

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:43

I'm starting to ring around on Monday before Mum comes back to me Monday night. I now I sound awful, but until you experience it you have no idea. And I have been through some shit( hence the not being able to work) and my sister hating me is not heping. I will it sorted though. That's what I do.

You dont sound awful at all, it must be incredibly difficult and it sounds like your doing your best

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/04/2024 06:44

@margolyes Your sister works Tues, Wed, Thursday, so have you negotiated with her to swap her weekend of looking after your mum with your Monday and Friday?

You have a 12 year old so I get why you might not be able to commit to every weekend.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:43

I'm starting to ring around on Monday before Mum comes back to me Monday night. I now I sound awful, but until you experience it you have no idea. And I have been through some shit( hence the not being able to work) and my sister hating me is not heping. I will it sorted though. That's what I do.

OP posts:
IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:43

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:40

The OP asked "am I the bitch", the thread is about her and her life not you and your problems.
I suggest you put all that energy elsewhere.

Show quote history

This will be my last reply to you know as it's clear what sort of person you are and I dont want to derail the OP's thread.

I wasnt making it about me or my problems, but you knew that already, this is just your way of deflecting your really shitty comment, very predictable behaviour 😅

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:42

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:40

Thank you. And my poor youngest just answering politely endlessly. It's too much. I am in Australia , so this has been his 2 weeks holidays. I think he will be glad to go back to school.

Show quote history

I'm in Australia too! Has your mum been assessed by MyAgedCare yet?

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:40

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:37

I definetly will when your trying to shame other people about not working.

Its irrelevant why the OP doesnt work and doesnt make her free time any less valuable

If your not ashamed of your lack of empathy in the OP's situation then that speaks volumes about who you are as a person

Show quote history

The OP asked "am I the bitch", the thread is about her and her life not you and your problems.
I suggest you put all that energy elsewhere.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:40

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:38

I was just about to ask what @KrisTheGardener did - can you get respite care for your mum?

I sympathise, OP, and it sounds like it's really time she went into residential care. My mum did in January, after I'd been her carer for seven years. It's a huge burden and yes, the endless repetition of the same questions or comments does your head in.

Thank you. And my poor youngest just answering politely endlessly. It's too much. I am in Australia , so this has been his 2 weeks holidays. I think he will be glad to go back to school.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/04/2024 06:38

I was just about to ask what @KrisTheGardener did - can you get respite care for your mum?

I sympathise, OP, and it sounds like it's really time she went into residential care. My mum did in January, after I'd been her carer for seven years. It's a huge burden and yes, the endless repetition of the same questions or comments does your head in.

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:37

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:34

Don't try to use your story to shame me out of having an opinion please.

Show quote history

I definetly will when your trying to shame other people about not working.

Its irrelevant why the OP doesnt work and doesnt make her free time any less valuable

If your not ashamed of your lack of empathy in the OP's situation then that speaks volumes about who you are as a person

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:36

Erm, knew I posted in the wrong section. Can I just say PTSD? Really don;t want to go into it. Have never relied on my sister for anything ever before. Raised my own children She moved into my parents house when she got pregnant and relied on them for everything. Believe me, I am super independent, and have been from a much younger age than my sister. Even though she is older. They were still helping her at her "market" into their 80's , leaving their home at 6am. She is too tight too pay anyone. I now have a week of listening to mum saying"poor (sister) we won't be able to help with the market". Literally 50 times a day. Anyone want to swap?

OP posts:
KrisTheGardener · 28/04/2024 06:35

I don't work at the moment. I'm hardly sat around. I'm stretched to the absolute limit - which is why I'm not working. It can't be assumed that someone has all the time in the world because they aren't working. There's usually a good reason.

OP, can you get some respite care for your mother for next weekend?

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:34

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:30

Do you know the OP's reasons for not working? I'll put money on it being a damn good reason that affects her day to day life!

I dont work at the minute no, Im recovering from fleeing a 7 year DV relationship whilst trying to recover from anorexia, recently diagnosed ADHD and trying to support my ADHD son and autistic daughter. Also waiting for my own autistic assessment. Also have PTSD from my baby dying 2 hours after he was born,

I hope you feel good trying to belittle people

I'd be outraged if my sister tried putting all the care on me and tried booking my weekends for me without checking I had plans or not. So people who dont work ( for reasons we dont know nor should assume because it makes you look a right nasty cow ) arnt allowed to have any free time or be asked if their available for the weekends?

Your being ridiculous

Show quote history

Don't try to use your story to shame me out of having an opinion please.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 06:33

Is there a reason your sister can't have your mum Monday and Friday, and you Tuesday to Thursday? Then split weekends seeing as she isn't doing them all anyway.

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:30

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

Do you know the OP's reasons for not working? I'll put money on it being a damn good reason that affects her day to day life!

I dont work at the minute no, Im recovering from fleeing a 7 year DV relationship whilst trying to recover from anorexia, recently diagnosed ADHD and trying to support my ADHD son and autistic daughter. Also waiting for my own autistic assessment. Also have PTSD from my baby dying 2 hours after he was born,

I hope you feel good trying to belittle people

I'd be outraged if my sister tried putting all the care on me and tried booking my weekends for me without checking I had plans or not. So people who dont work ( for reasons we dont know nor should assume because it makes you look a right nasty cow ) arnt allowed to have any free time or be asked if their available for the weekends?

Your being ridiculous

tigger1001 · 28/04/2024 06:30

"Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care."

You have no idea why op doesn't work. And the fact that she doesn't has meant she's there during the week.

But she has other family members too. And caring is exhausting. Its ok that op needs a break.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 06:29

Work is exhausting

The sister works 18 hours a week and has a weekend hobby it sounds like.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:29

LoudSnoringDog · 28/04/2024 06:27

Why don’t you work? What’s the “long story”?

Irrelevant.

There are two sisters who have a mum who needs care. Between them they need to sort it, it's not up to only one of them.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:27

*Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.*

18 hours a week of work is exhausting? Give over.

And the OP isn't sat around all day she's caring for someone with dementia. Have you ever done that? It's exhausting.

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