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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/04/2024 09:41

@margolyes I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend. so when do her weekends of care start??? you are not going to your sons birthday due to looking after mum on sister's weekend and the following weekend sis is going out of state to visit so you have your mum again? so really it looks like you have her for two solid weeks at least. I would be taking your mum to your sister on the friday and leaving her there! dont put up with any more shit from that selfish sister!

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 09:14

I'm losing it.. She had said that the reason her daughter hadn't visited her Grandpa ( our dad) was because her daughter had Covid. I said if she is infectious do you think you should be visiting her? ( the planned visit to her daughter in another city an hours flight away). Maybe not well explained but obvious .
She ( purposely) took that as "should she be visiting dad" and texted me at 6.45 am ( sunday morning today for you northern hemisphere people), these exact words "You do know that covid is not transmitted through the phone , don't you? "
I hope that makes sense.
Basically, she's just nasty but nobody has believed me until now as she can pretend to be nice. She's not that bad, just super negative. I used to try to go out of a night with her when we were in our 20's. It was just a constant litany of "oh, look at her dress, oh her hair is awful " etc etc so I gave up.
Can't do anything wrong by my mum though - weird as everytime anyone looks at a photo of mum when she was young they say she and I are carbon copies. Not true as mum was waaaay better looking than I have ever been. Mum had many photos in magazines and newspapers . None of those for me but we do look alike. And have the same sense of humour.
I feel awful speaking this all out loud to you people that don't know me but I have dumped enough on my adult children ( 12yo was a bonus baby and the best thing ever). Others are in their 20's ( only by a week for my oldest!)

OP posts:
Testina · 28/04/2024 08:57

Your parents are too unwell and your sister too selfish for there to be any point at all in trying to sort out a caring schedule that works.

You need to allow yourself to set feelings of duty or guilt aside, and focus on getting them into care homes. Separately. And work from there on finding a placement together - which said as it is, is very unlikely to happen given they both have specific needs. Imagine your dad was in a place for physical care - do you think they’d let your mum be dropped off and sit with him all day? I think not - because the moment it crossed over into caring for her too, they’d tell you she couldn’t visit unaccompanied.

Your sister will never agree to this whilst she thinks you will do the care, you need to gather your strength and push it through.

Which is not being a bitch.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 08:50

Sorry forgot you were Southern hemisphere! If the berries are frozen she can make jam anytime before the coming weekend surely? If your mum wants to go to the market you could drop her there with your sister on the Sunday morning through to Tuesday morning?

rainbowstardrops · 28/04/2024 08:46

Your sister is being the bitch here, not you! And there is no way I'd miss my son's 30th birthday just so your sister can sell some poxy jars of jam at a bloody market for fun! Oh and then it's ok for her to leave your mum to visit her daughter. No way!
I think you need to stand up to your sister and I agree with a pp, I'd struggle to hold my tongue when your mum keeps talking about your 'poor' sister.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:43

No she's never been in care. I have been gently suggesting a retirement village ( you know , where you have your own unit but can press a button if someone is feeling unwell) for years. Been overruled by my parents and my sister. Nurse told me yesterday, " you do know he has to go to a nursing home". So I'm trying to ring everywhere tomorrow to find a place that can support both of them. Sadly I can't have them here. Dad now needs 2 nurses to get in and out of bed to a chair. Is incontinent etc. I think think the "mild" heart attack that they have told us he had in the 2 days he was stuck in emergency may have not been that "mild".

OP posts:
Thisisthecorrectresponse · 28/04/2024 08:34

At the moment , where is your mum? No is a complete sentence. It's not fair on anyone, this. Your time would be better spent finding them a place to stay together using the authorities to support you. You can't suddenly become a full time carer to someone with dementia just because they're related to you and expect it not to impact on your own family or your life - your children are important too. Good luck, OP - I feel for you - sounds like mum needs to stay in care/ have carers doing the chunk so that you can make regular visits.

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 08:31

I'm sorry to say this but your sister is a horribly selfish person and I'm sorry I think I'd snap when your mum keeps going on about how wonderful she is and tell her a few home truths.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:28

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 08:24

But what do you do when the person isn’t that ill yet or doesn’t require that care but is at risk (had heart attack, on meds), is almost completely deaf and needs a hearing aid, had a hip replacement but also likes doing risky things like going into an attic? Not my situation but my best friend’s. Won’t consider carers (the mother).

Show quote history

This is my mum. Hence I am going to be looking for a place where they can be together . She isn't ill, just has NO short term memory. They need more places ike this as it must be common that one partner is healthier than the other.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 08:24

rookiemere · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the core issue here is that once a person gets to the point of needing round the clock care, it's time for them to move to a care home.
I don't think either of you should be sacrificing important personal events - particularly not your DS 30th birthday party - regardless of how much you do or don't have paid employment.

But what do you do when the person isn’t that ill yet or doesn’t require that care but is at risk (had heart attack, on meds), is almost completely deaf and needs a hearing aid, had a hip replacement but also likes doing risky things like going into an attic? Not my situation but my best friend’s. Won’t consider carers (the mother).

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:22

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 08:14

Ask your sister to have you mum on Fridays and Mondays then, she doesn't work them days and it will give you a break.
Also why can't you take your mum to your son's 30th even if it's only for a few hours.

It's a 2 hour drive each way. Can't face it . It's 100km to my dad in hospital each way.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:20

In Australia. So not rhubarb. Mind you she gets all the berries frozen . And that is the reason for going to the market. She sells jam. And before anyone says it - yes she just does do it for fun. She has an"extra " house around the corner from hers. She hasn't even bothered renting it out for 10 years after renovating it. Yes it is halfway between her and myself. Yes it has no stairs. Yes I have been begging for mum and dad to move there for at least 3 years. My sister is convinced ( well was I guess) that mum and dad were fine in their house that they had to walk up rickety steep steps to get to the front door. I was outvoted. I'm trying not to give up. Hang in there.

OP posts:
exomoon · 28/04/2024 08:19

margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:06

Final post as am making myself cry. I said to her that she could drop mum here on Tuesday morning on her way to work and she said NO. I have to ( checking the list) feed the dogs, make jam and battle the traffic.
So I said OK, drop her here Monday then. So it's pretty much a solid 2 weeks ( I've asked if she has a day that she can have mum and she hasn't responded). I've told my boys. Get carers in if I'm like this. Actually, I am a moron. I have dealt with carers for years. Adding to Monday phone calls. This is a good idea.
Thanks for letting me talk this out on here ( sadly no local bridges). Just kidding really

Tell her no, tell her you will not be home.

She can take time off work for emergency care.

exomoon · 28/04/2024 08:17

Your sister can fuck off. Tell her you’re not doing the weekends so she will be leaving mum on her own.

And tell her she has to do alternate Fridays as well.

Once DM is in a care home go NC with sister.

AGlinnerOfHope · 28/04/2024 08:15

@margolyes hang in there.

The stately homes threads on here are for people who had disfunctional families but all in a very respectable way ‘but you had a wonderful childhood, we took you to stately homes!’

Your dynamic with mum, golden but neglectful sister, is really familiar.

It’s not you, it’s them, regardless of the one PP who thinks it’s ok for you to be the default carer.

Get another assessment or whatever. Take care of yourself and your lad.

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 08:14

Ask your sister to have you mum on Fridays and Mondays then, she doesn't work them days and it will give you a break.
Also why can't you take your mum to your son's 30th even if it's only for a few hours.

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 08:13

Jam? Rhubarb jam? It's not jam making season.

KTheGrey · 28/04/2024 08:10

She has to make jam???

That's why she can't drop your mother off?

Piece. Of. Work.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 08:06

Final post as am making myself cry. I said to her that she could drop mum here on Tuesday morning on her way to work and she said NO. I have to ( checking the list) feed the dogs, make jam and battle the traffic.
So I said OK, drop her here Monday then. So it's pretty much a solid 2 weeks ( I've asked if she has a day that she can have mum and she hasn't responded). I've told my boys. Get carers in if I'm like this. Actually, I am a moron. I have dealt with carers for years. Adding to Monday phone calls. This is a good idea.
Thanks for letting me talk this out on here ( sadly no local bridges). Just kidding really

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 07:53

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:29

Irrelevant.

There are two sisters who have a mum who needs care. Between them they need to sort it, it's not up to only one of them.

Show quote history

You’d be so surprised how often in real life this doesn’t work out well. Or eg if there’s a much younger sibling with no DC, they’re expected to take on the lion’s care of looking after the parent.

FlameTulip · 28/04/2024 07:49

You don't sound awful OP. This sounds really hard for all of you and I would definitely be looking into a home or another form of paid care.

KTheGrey · 28/04/2024 07:45

Your sister is taking the mick, living in your parents' house (is she still?), getting them to work at her markets and then dumping their care on you when they can't work at her markets and need care, and then dictating when you have to provide care.

Interesting that she doesn't offer to trade her free days for your weekends.

Ruthlessly exploitative is the mildest term for her behaviour.

BananaSpanner · 28/04/2024 07:45

margolyes · 28/04/2024 06:48

Sorry. I'm sure you make sense. I am just soooo tired. I guess not this weekend ( market) and not the following weekend ( visit to daughter) that's actually a good idea for the 3rd weekend! Thank you.

Show quote history

I think she’s asking if you sister wants to renege on some of her weekends why isn’t she helping on the days that she doesn’t work. Ther are 2 days that you could drop your mum at hers to give you some time to yourself.

rookiemere · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the core issue here is that once a person gets to the point of needing round the clock care, it's time for them to move to a care home.
I don't think either of you should be sacrificing important personal events - particularly not your DS 30th birthday party - regardless of how much you do or don't have paid employment.

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 07:37

Best of luck @margolyes!

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