Am I the bitch?

Stop letting other people rule your life, it's ruining your son's childhood. Why are you involving him and making him check your messages, he's a child FFS.

You need to make it clear that you will not be carrying on as you are so if sis and mum don't want a care home then they need to sort something out between them that doesn't involve you being a full time carer.

I have a lot of sympathy for you because being a carer is thankless and so very hard, but nothing will change unless you make it happen.

So your dad who usually cares for your mum is currently in hospital & wont be able to care for her when she gets out is that right?

If so care home for both an obvious solution.

In the meantime is there nothing like a day centre that your Mum could go to?

Or temporarily to a care home until something permanent is organised?

If you can't/don't want to do it any more then tell your sister that & move forward accordingly.

My dad had dementia.

I lived too far away to do any caring & tbh I'm not sure how much I would have done had I been nearby.

When he went into a home & I knew that he was safe, well fed, warm & cared for it was a great weight lifted.

We also had a great father/daughter relationship to the end.

I don't know why some struggle on to their own detriment & that of their family.

If I'm selfish then so be it.

I expect no more from my own kids.

Like hell would I miss my child's 30th birthday (or any birthday for that matter), unless there was some dire emergency situation - which this definitely is not.

When sister said mum was coming to stay with you why didn't you reply, "no, I can't do (date) as that's son's birthday party"? It should have been presented as though it was blindingly obvious that that date was out of the question. If I was the son in this situation, I'd be pissed off with my aunt for suggesting my parent miss my party, but utterly furious with my actual parent for agreeing to it.

Before ringing around nursing homes, I'd be on the phone to sister telling her that she needs to make other arrangements for the party date, as you're tied up.

Of course your mum doesn't want to go into a home, but unless she's prepared to pay for around the clock carers, then I'm afraid she doesn't have any choice.

It does suck, I'm sorry. No practical suggestions but solidarity from the other side of the world.

Have you looked at the elderly parents board? You'll find lots of people in similar situations

OP - ask for this to be moved to.the Elderly Parents board (it's in Other). And do try the Cockroach Cafe on there also the Exhausting threads

Most elderly people do and they argue and kick up a fuss, but their families persist and get them in there and they settle down and are happy.

The level of care you choose to provide for your mother is your business. If you aren’t happy doing this then a home is the answer. As the single, childfree daughter in our family I take a very firm stance that I will see my parents and visit but I will never take on caring responsibilities because I know with my brother and sister having families how much of it will fall to me. You get to choose how much YOU do, I don’t think you choose how much others do or what parts of their life they can or should give up.

Professional care is the solution here, not your sister

Tell MyAgedCare all this when you call them tomorrow.

Dementia Australia might have advice, too.

Sorry but you are being a bit of a doormat, can't believe your 12yr old has spent his holidays crying and you have allowed this. Your mum refuses to go into a home? Well she has to as you are unable to carry on the care you have been providing. She has dementia so clearly won't be safe at home alone as you have been told by the hospital that your father is not safe to return to living at home. As for missing your sons 30th... Point blank refuse and tell your sister she either comes herself or pays for a carer! Stand up for yourself a bit more.

Yes your sister works 2 jobs but that doesn’t mean she takes priority. I can’t believe she wouldn’t care for her mum to enable you to go to your ds’s 30th. She sounds extremely selfish.

you need to find support for your parents or you are going to be no use to anyone. Having young children and also a carer is hard work.

That's not acceptable that she gets to visit her dd on a weekend but you don't get to go to your son's 30th.
If your sister is too busy to do her share then care home it is. Or she pays you to do her share.

No one should be obligated to look after parents or provide a house for them, so I think you are being hard on your sister here. What you feel responsible for is your business you can’t just nominate how much your sister needs to do. And your view on her providing a house for them is unfair.

They need to be in a care home, which you are now looking for, and as soon as you can get this in place the better.

You have also allowed this. Why are you missing your sons 30th when she would never do this.

Tell your sister she at least needs to fund a carer to sit with your mum so you can attend the 30th

You should put your foot down about your son's 30th Birthday. That day will never come again.

Maybe it would be best not to accept her back from your sister. Sister can take annual leave while organising care this week.

I would cover the market as you offered refuse to do the following weekend as you are busy. Tell her she has to provide cover as you will be seeing your son.

Does she have capacity to decide that?

You need to get her into a home now. It doesn't need to be the same one as your dad as it's likely you would need to facilitate visits anyway. If she is in a hostel type environment with a kitchenette but meals provided and he requires nursing care then, depending on the severity of her dementia, she may not be able to visit his facility alone on the same site. Just obviously avoid homes in opposite directions if possible.