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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2024 11:37

margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:38

I've had a long chat with my oldest and he said he fine with us not coming.

He couldn't really say much else though could he?

TammyJones · 28/04/2024 11:35

diddl · 28/04/2024 10:24

So your dad who usually cares for your mum is currently in hospital & wont be able to care for her when she gets out is that right?

If so care home for both an obvious solution.

In the meantime is there nothing like a day centre that your Mum could go to?

Or temporarily to a care home until something permanent is organised?

If you can't/don't want to do it any more then tell your sister that & move forward accordingly.

My dad had dementia.

I lived too far away to do any caring & tbh I'm not sure how much I would have done had I been nearby.

When he went into a home & I knew that he was safe, well fed, warm & cared for it was a great weight lifted.

We also had a great father/daughter relationship to the end.

I don't know why some struggle on to their own detriment & that of their family.

If I'm selfish then so be it.

I expect no more from my own kids.

Same
Dad spent last few months in a care home
Warm, fed and safe
Lovely staff
We had a great relationship at the end of the
Better than ever and I was so grateful we had this opportunity

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:32

NIght night again. For real this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:31

Tessisme · 28/04/2024 11:18

It is bloody awful caring for someone with dementia. Throw children into the mix and it's a disaster. My mum started to develop the signs of dementia shortly after my second child was born and it became a living nightmare trying to juggle the needs of two children with the needs of basically an elderly toddler. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Especially trying to get the balance between wanting my children to have a relationship with their grandmother and minimising the trauma of them seeing her in a state of terrible distress and confusion. And other unpleasant issues around hygiene etc I won't go into. She died just after my eldest turned 15, so it was about 11 years of the dementia rollercoaster and it had a devastating effect on our family.

Hope you get things sorted @margolyes. It's a tough gig. It really is.

We have already seen the hygiene issues. I mop as soon as I get up. Mum says sorry. It's not sustainable . Particularly with a 12yo, as amazingly calm as he is. He doesn't need to walk into the bathroom after Grandma has been there, and ther is mess on the floor . She is a very proud lady so would be mortified. I kind of check the bathroom the minute she leaves. That's all I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:27

go to bed! I meant. Night night. This will be my last proper nights sleep for about 10 days. My sister assures me that mum sleeps all night at her place ( have I mentioned that sorry I'm getting tired) .
Very weird as when she is here she wanders at least 3 times a night. It's not like I'm making it up! My 23yo spent the night and she went to him twice, she;s regularly been into my 12yo and also comes into my bedroom.
I did point out to my sister that she sleeps with headphones on playing music all night, and her DH is only there 2 nights a week . She pointed at her tiny dogs . I think that meant they will bark if mum got up. That is BS. Mum is better with me than at my sisters , I worry all night that she is going to be found wandering the streets when she is there.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/04/2024 11:20

Try to get some sleep, @margolyes . Good night ...

Tessisme · 28/04/2024 11:18

It is bloody awful caring for someone with dementia. Throw children into the mix and it's a disaster. My mum started to develop the signs of dementia shortly after my second child was born and it became a living nightmare trying to juggle the needs of two children with the needs of basically an elderly toddler. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Especially trying to get the balance between wanting my children to have a relationship with their grandmother and minimising the trauma of them seeing her in a state of terrible distress and confusion. And other unpleasant issues around hygiene etc I won't go into. She died just after my eldest turned 15, so it was about 11 years of the dementia rollercoaster and it had a devastating effect on our family.

Hope you get things sorted @margolyes. It's a tough gig. It really is.

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 11:18

margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:04

Yes he wrote it, but can't speak anymore

Show quote history

I'm sorry, I missed that important point!

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:09

margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:04

Yes he wrote it, but can't speak anymore

Show quote history

ITried to DM you but search never works for me. I also have to go to be as I am stuffed.

OP posts:
bryceQ · 28/04/2024 11:06

Kalevala · 28/04/2024 06:33

Is there a reason your sister can't have your mum Monday and Friday, and you Tuesday to Thursday? Then split weekends seeing as she isn't doing them all anyway.

This is what I was thinking too.

I don't think you're a bitch it's an exhausting and stressful situation and you sound very nice to me

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:04

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 11:03

Might your father know what's in the envelope?

Yes he wrote it, but can't speak anymore

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/04/2024 11:03

Might your father know what's in the envelope?

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 11:03

Thanks pp. I will be drawing a line after this 2 weeks. That gives me time to hopefully find somewhere for them both to live ( though seems unlikely). Worst case is Dad moves 100km closer to my sister and I and mum keeps alternating living between us but will be happy if she can spend all day with dad. Need to go to bed.
Thanks for all the lovely replies. l guess I will be touring nursing homes this week, stupidly I had just had a referral from my GP to get an ultrasound on my stuffed ankle a few hours before I got the call Dad was in the hospital. So haven't done that of course. Hobbling around like a 90 yo. And the damn cat vomited on the floor last night. He did that the night before dad went to hospital. Now I have the heebies! Night all

OP posts:
zingally · 28/04/2024 10:53

I know how hard it is OP.

I dealt with the same thing with my parents a few years back. My dad had a sudden and quite unexpected psychotic break, and I went to help mum care for him.
I live over 2 hours away, and at that time, I had very demanding full time job.
My sister, who also works full time, but lives 45 minutes closer to them than I do - flat out refused to get involved. Threw all these hot-topic phrases around about "respecting her boundaries", but heaven help me if I had decided to set a boundary! Then we'd have all been fucked.

In the end, I had to console myself with the fact that I felt like I was doing the right thing, in order to sleep at night. I did what I thought was right, so that I'd have peace with myself. And if my sister chose to make different decisions, then that's on her.

With everything that happened, mum and I are now incredibly close - much closer than we were before everything with dad happened - and my sister is much more on the outskirts. I actually feel a bit sorry for my sister now tbh.

As hard as it is OP, do what YOU know is right, and you'll feel peace.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:53

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

@Finlesswonder Yes.
I know.
Your comprehension of past and present tense is not great based on that sentence.
"I'd be massively pissed off, if my sister, sat around not working all day" is the closest I can get for you to be grammatically correct.
There is no begrudgement. There is just just truth.
Thanks for your kindness ( that is sarcasm)

OP posts:
Kalevala · 28/04/2024 10:50

margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:26

I did tell my sister I couldn't do that night. She hung up on me. I'm also so tired with the driving so was happy to have all my children and partners at my place the following weekend. That's when she announced she was going to visit her daughter that weekend.

Edited
Show quote history

If it's an evening then surely she can do it? Her market is a daytime one, morning to afternoon?

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:44

There is an envelope. It's marked "private" so I haven't opened it.Mum brought it with their 'important documents' when she moved to my place. She put it in a drawer , I only found it when I was looking for her tablets that my sister said I hadn't sent ( shock to all - I had sent 4 Webster packs - that's the tablets divided into morning , lunch , dinner etc. ) I don't know what to do with it

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 28/04/2024 10:43

You need to stick up for yourself. Say no. Go to your son’s party. Your sister seems fine saying no. Don’t put up with it.

TammyJones · 28/04/2024 10:43

FrangipaniBlue · 28/04/2024 06:27

*Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.*

18 hours a week of work is exhausting? Give over.

And the OP isn't sat around all day she's caring for someone with dementia. Have you ever done that? It's exhausting.

Exactly
But even that aside - you shouldn't have to miss yours son's 30th.

We just been through this with dm

Nursing home now.

It's sad but dm died surrounded by lived ones in hospice - home care was not possible

Stand your ground op

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:39

No power of attorney but joint executors of both of their wills, my sister and I. I fear a mistake has been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:38

I've had a long chat with my oldest and he said he fine with us not coming.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/04/2024 10:35

I'm guessing you don't have Power of Attorney - and your sister would make hell about it.

You'll really need to lay this all out to MyAgedCare and probably speak to her GP at some point.

DodoTired · 28/04/2024 10:34

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

Are you crazy? Have you ever cared for a dementia or just elderly person before??? It is much harder than usual work, and - newsflash - being a dementia carer is actually a job.

the OP is expected to do two weeks and two weekends back to back with no breaks.

Cosycover · 28/04/2024 10:32

I would assume your sons 30th is at night time?

I'd be dropping my mum off at my sisters and going. Not a doubt about it.

Original poster
margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:26

knockyknees · 28/04/2024 10:17

Like hell would I miss my child's 30th birthday (or any birthday for that matter), unless there was some dire emergency situation - which this definitely is not.

When sister said mum was coming to stay with you why didn't you reply, "no, I can't do (date) as that's son's birthday party"? It should have been presented as though it was blindingly obvious that that date was out of the question. If I was the son in this situation, I'd be pissed off with my aunt for suggesting my parent miss my party, but utterly furious with my actual parent for agreeing to it.

Before ringing around nursing homes, I'd be on the phone to sister telling her that she needs to make other arrangements for the party date, as you're tied up.

Of course your mum doesn't want to go into a home, but unless she's prepared to pay for around the clock carers, then I'm afraid she doesn't have any choice.

I did tell my sister I couldn't do that night. She hung up on me. I'm also so tired with the driving so was happy to have all my children and partners at my place the following weekend. That's when she announced she was going to visit her daughter that weekend.

OP posts:
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