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Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:29

Yes , she is deteriorating before my eyes. She yelled at me the other morning, my mum is not a yeller. What I had said when she got up at 7am ( after she told me she was tired) was "oh that's all good mum. Hospital visiting hours aren't until 10am so you can have another rest if you want"
20 minutes later she came out screaming at me that I had put her to bed like a child. Took me a half an hour to calm her down, I feel awful but I am dreading this week. She's pretty good tonight, since my sister dropped her off, The one who hates me. Two lots of tears and up three times from bed but all seems calm now. Sigh. It;s a bit sad when that is a good evening!
Full disclosure as I am one of those stupidly honest people, when my sister droppes off mum, I asked when we were meeting up and she said something like " well I suppose I will have to pick her up". ..." As usual". I may have then muttered inder my breath ( well actually I did) " Geez you can be a bitch".

See there is definitely a possibilty I am the bitch!

OP posts:
Tessisme · 29/04/2024 11:42

My mum is with me and wants to see him every day. I can't say No. She's my mum!

That is so lovely of you @margolyes. And you're also entitled to think it's a pain in the arse, even though you want to please your mum. I think it's good if you can facilitate them spending time together, because the truth is your mum's dementia will very likely get worse when there are any changes to what she's used to. Despite the inevitability of decline, it does help to keep things ticking along in their usual way for as long as possible.

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 11:30

diddl · 29/04/2024 07:23

It's over 100km round trip. I will be going every day from tomorrow until next Sunday.

If you don't want to-why?

My mum is with me and wants to see him every day. I can't say No. She's my mum!

OP posts:
babyelephantwalk · 29/04/2024 09:05

margolyes · 29/04/2024 05:52

They were lovely @Catsmere . Have an assessment booked in . Will be up to 10 days so will just drink a lot until then. They do have respite care!!

Oh, that's lovely news. I sent up a prayer for you after I read your thread. Maybe it helped! I hope they find a suitable place for your parents to be together.

Your sister is the bitch. I hope you do go to your son's 30th birthday party.

diddl · 29/04/2024 07:23

It's over 100km round trip. I will be going every day from tomorrow until next Sunday.

If you don't want to-why?

Catsmere · 29/04/2024 05:57

I'm so glad to hear it's under way! ❤️

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 05:52

They were lovely @Catsmere . Have an assessment booked in . Will be up to 10 days so will just drink a lot until then. They do have respite care!!

OP posts:
Catsmere · 29/04/2024 05:34

Hope you're comfortable, have been to the loo and have a cup of tea/coffee on hand!

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 05:12

On hold right now!!

OP posts:
Catsmere · 29/04/2024 04:55

Did you manage to get onto MyAgedCare or Dementia Australia at all?

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 04:52

Thanks all for your ( many totally ) kind responses. Mum is arriving this evening from the weekend at my sisters house. Sis just texted me to ask if I was visiting dad today and I said No. She said mum wanted to stay at the hospital but she had to leave so could I pick her up. It's over 100km round trip. I will be going every day from tomorrow until next Sunday. One day off and then another 7 days. The pp who asked about an undercurrent of me trying to be "better" or something. I am so far from the favourite it's not funny. There is no chance of that. And not a consideration for me at all. . Especially as mum does not remember what happened 2 minutes ago, and Dad's dementia is so bad he can't talk. I think I mentioned that , so not really sure what you mean.

The reason I am doubtful about mum sleeping so well at my sister's is that she sleeps with headphones in all night listening to music ( sis not mum) so I think she wouldn't know if mum is up and about. Whereas when one of my adult sons stayed the night she went to him twice. She has been into our room looking for Dad, she has been into my 12yo's room asking for Dad. We hear the door open. I'm a light sleeper.

My sister is a much stronger personality than me , I couldn't "beat her with a stick" if I tried. Everyone always tells me I have Catholic guilt which is weird as nobody in my family is Catholic! Anyway, wish me luck for the next 2 weeks .

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/04/2024 22:07

Your sister is being unreasonable. You should definitely not miss your son’s 30th!!

Flyhigher · 28/04/2024 22:02

If she's so wealthy why isn't she paying for care at the weekend?

alrightluv · 28/04/2024 14:58

I really hope you find somewhere for your DPS soon?
U couldn't look after a dp with dementia. Mil will go into a care home once she can't manage in her home. She's had respite there already. Is that an option?

CJsGoldfish · 28/04/2024 14:37

If your mother requires someone to be with her 24hrs a day then she should be in a care facility. But moved into your home 2 weeks ago? Was a discussion had with your sister because I actually don't think either of you should feel obligated to take on such a huge responsibility. If your sister has 'looked after' your mum for 2 weekends maybe she just can't cope with it or simply doesn't want the responsibility. That's not unreasonable.
You've said you don't believe your sister when she says your mum is fine at her house because "she's better with me.." Not to mention worrying the whole time she's with your sister. Seems so at odds with your other posts. You don't get along with your sister and that is ok but I kinda feel an undercurrent of satisfaction that you have this stick with which to beat her. You're now in the role of 'best daughter' but still not getting the acknowledgment for it.
If YOU want to care for your mother, then good for you! And I mean that because I'm not sure I could do the same. It's also not wrong that your sister does not feel the same duty.
This is clearly a very tough time for you and I hope you get some respite soon

MachineGunnerKellis · 28/04/2024 14:16

Stately homes thread in relationship board would be worth a look
Sadly we aren't wealthy, or do you mean disputes between siblings? Sorry I haven;t read that board. Thank you though. I'll be up all night so I might do it then. ( but Australia not UK).

it’s a thread for dealing with difficult family situations 😁😁

WillJeSuis · 28/04/2024 13:27

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:40

The OP asked "am I the bitch", the thread is about her and her life not you and your problems.
I suggest you put all that energy elsewhere.

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@margolyes you are not the bitch, this one is.

Iloveblink182 · 28/04/2024 13:00

margolyes · 28/04/2024 09:47

Mum refuses to go to a home

Currently having this battle with my partners Mum and it’s horrendous. The reason she won’t go into a home is because people are running around after her, setting themselves on fire to do things for her. It’s not sustainable and something has to give. You can’t provide care if you aren’t looking after yourself. If she won’t go into a home the withdraw from what you are doing and let her see how well she copes alone.

ChimbarasiKotapaxi · 28/04/2024 12:55

Caring as you are doing OP is a full time job and more Such respect to you It is unjust that this is not being shared Please get all the help you can for you as soon as you can (I have been there) All thoughts

istolethetalisker · 28/04/2024 12:38

OP, I know this is not what you ever intended, but you’re allowing your need to please your parents and your sister to force you to neglect your children. This situation isn’t sustainable.
You are exhausted and you know your parents need proper professional care. If your sister won’t accept that, the only thing to do is grit your teeth and walk away. She’ll have to accept it then and do something.
Have the courage to let your sister think you’re lazy. Why do you care what she thinks? It’s your children’s opinion that is important.

Combattingthemoaners · 28/04/2024 12:24

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

Sick of reading heartless responses like this on here. She’s clearly very upset and finding it hard to cope with her deteriorating parents. Try and have a little empathy!

itsmylife7 · 28/04/2024 12:10

margolyes · 28/04/2024 10:38

I've had a long chat with my oldest and he said he fine with us not coming.

Of course he's going to say that but he is bothered.
You're allowing you sister to bully you.

Come on OP find your inner strength and stop taking the bullying.

ArchaeoSpy · 28/04/2024 12:00

@margolyes not sure what to say but all best

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2024 11:57

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

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She's not working in a sweatshop for minimum wage

Newname71 · 28/04/2024 11:38

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

18 hours work a week is hardly exhausting!
And caring is very hard work. OP is already caring 5 days a week and her sister expects her to do 7 now. Fuck that. It’s hardly fair

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