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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 30/04/2024 12:20

Going to a public. Paid decades of private health insurance! That was a waste of money.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 30/04/2024 11:57

Hugs, @margolyes .

Original poster
margolyes · 30/04/2024 11:53

It's me! Major drama with sister.
Surprise surprise.
Mum repeating herself so much I am considering throwing self in front of bus . Been told by doctors that the private hospital won't take Dad as he is too unwell. Watched Dad mix his ice cream with his lunch and then pour his juice on top and eat most of it. Lovely doctor is getting Dad moved to a hospital 5 minutes from me and my sister.
Now spending hours explaining to my mum that Dad will not get his licence back.

OP posts:
Tessisme · 30/04/2024 07:55

To be fair, you're right @Catsmere. What I meant wasn't very clear!

Catsmere · 29/04/2024 23:13

Tessisme · 29/04/2024 22:56

Ignore the "changes will make things worse" comments, @margolyes .

If you're referring to my comment @Catsmere, I was talking about in the short term, while OP was in position of HAVING to care for her mum until a more long term solution is found. Certainly not suggesting in any way that it was sustainable. Like many on this thread, including yourself, I've been there.

Thanks, it wasn't clear to me that's what you meant. The having to care period is a nightmare. It's a great relief that it's over for me, despite the problem of having to find work. I hope @margolyes' mum is quickly assessed as needing residential care, and a place in a good home is available.

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 23:00

Catsmere · 29/04/2024 22:42

I read @diddl's post as rolling her eyes at the idea that you're a bitch!

Show quote history

Bloody emojis are confusing. So much room for misunderstanding!
Up now waiting for mum to get up. Will give her her brekky and a cup of tea and then try to put her off as long as possible until we head to the hospital. Once we arrive she won't want to leave. Will try and track down a doctor ( they are like ships in the night - you never see them) then insist on going home to pick up 12yo after school ( who sweetly offered to wait at the shops where the bus drops him if we can't get there on time - most ridiculously nice and mature child). Don't deserve him or my others. Going to cry now. Will update tomorrow on todays developments if that is ok. Kind of like a diary that other people are reading. Stops me from punching walls or running away. Thanks to anyone who isreading. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
Tessisme · 29/04/2024 22:56

Ignore the "changes will make things worse" comments, @margolyes .

If you're referring to my comment @Catsmere, I was talking about in the short term, while OP was in position of HAVING to care for her mum until a more long term solution is found. Certainly not suggesting in any way that it was sustainable. Like many on this thread, including yourself, I've been there.

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 22:44

Applescruffle · 29/04/2024 16:02

OP, I have a lot of expereince in this area, both personally and professionally and IME it ALWAYS falls to one sibling to do the majority of the care. Always.
The other sibling(s) will say they are going to pitch in an equal amount but there's always some reason they can't so one always ends up being the person. It doesnt matter who works and who doenst or who has free time abx who doesnt. Sometimes its the full time worker who ends up doing all the care while the person who doesnt work does nothing. Its just down to personality types and what people can gwt away with but inevitably, its always one person. And it's a tiring, thankless job.
I would recommend you look into having carers come out to see mum before you go straight down the route of a care home. Especially if your dad is still at home and by the sounds of it, bedridden?
Get on the phone to adult social care for some advice

Edited

Thank you. Dad is still in hospital. Will be for several weeks at least. The hospital have already said they won't release him into the care of my mum. We have to have a "family meeting". Joy of joys ( kill me now). Mum thinks she is taking him home. I've told her so many times that is not happening and she just forgets. Then she wants to go home and live on her own and I have to say no, again, and then she cries and around and around we go.
I have an assessment request in - best advice was the earliest it will be is within 10 days. Madly ringing around every kind of retirement type place but there seems to be a huge gap in the market for couples who want to stay together but need varying levels of assistance. As soon as you mention dementia they say sorry can't help you except for a bed in our dementia ward. Best I have found is rooms next to each other. Sigh. I will keep ringing.
Carers are higely expensive in Australia. Through an agency you are looking at $50 (roughly 25 pounds) an hour. I don't have that kind of money sadly.

OP posts:
Blacknosugarplease · 29/04/2024 22:43

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:24

Have you ever had a job before?

Work is exhausting.

I'd be massively pissed off if I had a sister who was sat around not working all day who begrudged taking on most of the care.

Show quote history

Oh @Finlesswonder you silly sausage.

Catsmere · 29/04/2024 22:42

margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:37

You seem angry with me - are you my sister?

Show quote history

I read @diddl's post as rolling her eyes at the idea that you're a bitch!

Maninthemoonsmiles · 29/04/2024 22:40

OP putting yourself down and letting your sister control you is not helping you in a very difficult situation where any of us would be struggling so give yourself some kindness and compassion.

Can you say to sister that you are doing weeks and she has to do weekends or organise a carer/home because you are not available. Dont miss your DS 30th its really special and you might regret it. Decide what you can do short term and stick to it. Be strong and assertive she cant force you.

Your mum obviously really needs specialist help now so I hope things get better for you when this is in place.

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 22:31

diddl · 29/04/2024 15:52

Oh my goodness!
Sorry.
Wrong emoji.
😊

Show quote history

Oh all good. I've been known to do that. My 12yo had to point out to me that the upside down smile is really sarcastic. ( I thought it was "aren't I an idiot " type of thing). Probably confused a few people. Easily done.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 29/04/2024 19:07

Ignore the "changes will make things worse" comments, @margolyes . They're getting worse before your eyes and this has already reached the stage where you can't go on caring for her. Your mum's in a far worse state than mine, and when mine was hospitalised with pneumonia in December they wouldn't let her come home. It sounds like she's well past having capacity to make decisions about her care, and needs to be in a dementia unit in a care facility. I hope the assessment comes to that conclusion.

And you are absolutely not a bitch!

Tessisme · 29/04/2024 16:34

Oh my goodness!
Sorry.
Wrong emoji.
😊

Oh no! Using the wrong emoji is something I am so paranoid about. Like a laughing emoji at sad news or something.

(This did make me laugh a little bit though😃)

Applescruffle · 29/04/2024 16:10

Sweetheart7 · 29/04/2024 16:05

@Applescruffle I agree. Makes no difference to how many siblings either. Don't be pushed into it because you don't work that isn't the point here OP.

No, it doesn't make any difference how many siblings. It's still always one.
The others might even pitch in a bit, but it's never equal, there's always one main contact, one "person" who does tbe main caring and takes on the responsibility. I've worked with hundreds of families and experienced it personally three times and it's always like this.

LittleCharlotte · 29/04/2024 16:09

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:34

Don't try to use your story to shame me out of having an opinion please.

Show quote history

Why not? It should work. You have no idea why the OP isn't working. Have some shame.

Sweetheart7 · 29/04/2024 16:05

@Applescruffle I agree. Makes no difference to how many siblings either. Don't be pushed into it because you don't work that isn't the point here OP.

Applescruffle · 29/04/2024 16:02

OP, I have a lot of expereince in this area, both personally and professionally and IME it ALWAYS falls to one sibling to do the majority of the care. Always.
The other sibling(s) will say they are going to pitch in an equal amount but there's always some reason they can't so one always ends up being the person. It doesnt matter who works and who doenst or who has free time abx who doesnt. Sometimes its the full time worker who ends up doing all the care while the person who doesnt work does nothing. Its just down to personality types and what people can gwt away with but inevitably, its always one person. And it's a tiring, thankless job.
I would recommend you look into having carers come out to see mum before you go straight down the route of a care home. Especially if your dad is still at home and by the sounds of it, bedridden?
Get on the phone to adult social care for some advice

Sweetheart7 · 29/04/2024 15:58

LoudSnoringDog · 28/04/2024 06:27

Why don’t you work? What’s the “long story”?

I don't think that's any of your business. She looks after her mum during the week. Tbh it's a separate issue!

diddl · 29/04/2024 15:52

margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:37

You seem angry with me - are you my sister?

Show quote history

Oh my goodness!
Sorry.
Wrong emoji.
😊

Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:49

NIght all

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:43

PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 29/04/2024 14:34

Op hasn't said why she's not working. She could have a long term illness?

Show quote history

I did mention way upthread that I am not able to work due to PTSD. I have a lot of responsibilities though as we live on a little acreage and I look after all the animals , do all the gardening and look after my 12yo, I don't claim any benefits as such except for the small amount that Australia gives to every child, Is that ok with the questoners? Not you pp,

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 29/04/2024 14:37

diddl · 29/04/2024 14:32

See there is definitely a possibilty I am the bitch!

🙄

You seem angry with me - are you my sister?

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 29/04/2024 14:34

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

Op hasn't said why she's not working. She could have a long term illness?

diddl · 29/04/2024 14:32

See there is definitely a possibilty I am the bitch!

🙄

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