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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I the bitch?

209 replies

margolyes · 28/04/2024 05:54

My older sister and I have never really got on. Now one of our very elderly parents is in hospital we are alternating care between us of our mum. Dad is in hospital. They are both in their late 80's and have lived on their own until Dad's health problem 2 weeks ago.
I look after mum during the week and my sister is supposed to have her on the weekend.
Context - my sister is older and most definitely the favourite but I have got over that long ago.
Sister works 6 hours a day 3 days ( Tues, wed, thursday).
I don't work - long story
My sister also sells things at a market stall on a weekend.
This weekend is a very important market so I will have mum from Monday and all week and weekend. I have agreed not to go to my son's 30th to accomodate this.
When I told her it's ok, don't stress about this upcoming market as I won't go to my son's 30th I thought she would be pleased.
I explained that I would have my sons and their gf's at my place the following weekend instead
She says,
Mum wants to come to the market one day but I cant take her as I leave early in the morning so you will have to do that.
AND
The following weekend we are going interstate to see (her) daughter so Mum will be with you that weekend too.

I know I sound like a bitcj but my mum has terrible dementia mainly shown by short term memory loss. . So will repeat the same question at least 5 times in 2 minutes. Seriously. To add insult to injury she say "poor sister's name, she's so busy" I have to shove my fist in my throat. Always the same 5 questions. None involving me, just my sister. My darling 12 year old is so patient. Much more than me but it's not appropriate for him to see her bursting into tears twice an hour at least. Not even sure what I'm asking. Just venting I guess.
I told my sister she was unreasonable to expect me to mind mum next week and weekend ( the market) and the next week and the following weekend( visit to her daughter 1 hour flight away).
This is shite.
Crying.
My poor Dad who was a uni professor can't get a word out and is just lying in bed.
Sorry for ramble .
I am looking for retirement villages /nursing homes starting tomorrow.
Mum thinks she is going home ( and the nice ambulancemen will carry him up the stairs) .
I've probably posted in the wrong section.

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 01/05/2024 15:03

So pleased you're going to your son's birthday OP. How is the search for care progressing?

SaltySeaAir · 01/05/2024 14:45

Well I feel for you, and think your sister is wrong. I would definitely be looking for a care home. I can honestly say, if either of our parents at any stage needed full time care they would not want their children to do this. And as a parent, I would not want my children to do this either.

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:34

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 01/05/2024 14:29

Glad you’re going to the party! I’ve been reading from the beginning and wishing you strength.

It sounds like your mum is too confused for either of you to look after at home but I hope you can get extra help and share the strain more fairly until you get a residential place for her. I guess you might have to have your parents in separate places until you can find two places together.

Also , not sure if you’re already doing this, but I was advised recently to think through a typical day to work out all the things my mum needed help with. It might be good to have it all written down so that when they come and do the assessment they can have a full picture of a typical day, in case she’s a bit less confused than average during the assessment. Hope you enjoy the party!

That's a good idea. It took the nurses in the hospital a couple of hours. I had to leave her with Dad for a bit and when I got back they were "we were just going to ring you - bit worried about your mum, she's asked me the same question every 30 seconds " I'm like yep no short term memory. SHe is still her lovely social self though so it takes people a while to realise. That is a good idea. I am trying to diarise everything.Ta

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 01/05/2024 14:31

Excellent news. I am glad to hear you are going to your son's birthday and I hope you have a lovely time.

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 01/05/2024 14:29

Glad you’re going to the party! I’ve been reading from the beginning and wishing you strength.

It sounds like your mum is too confused for either of you to look after at home but I hope you can get extra help and share the strain more fairly until you get a residential place for her. I guess you might have to have your parents in separate places until you can find two places together.

Also , not sure if you’re already doing this, but I was advised recently to think through a typical day to work out all the things my mum needed help with. It might be good to have it all written down so that when they come and do the assessment they can have a full picture of a typical day, in case she’s a bit less confused than average during the assessment. Hope you enjoy the party!

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:21

BigRedCat · 01/05/2024 13:28

Have only read the OP.
You’re not a bitch, but you do need to set some boundaries here.
If you wanted to go to your son’s birthday you should have gone. You’re being beyond accommodating, and in those situations you will always end up being taken advantage of.
Set reasonable boundaries and stick with them.

re pp

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 14:14

I am going to son's birthday!!! Have told sister she will have to deal with it. Close her jam stall 2 hours early. Am not speaking with sister anymore. Using my adult sons as intermediaries as causing too much upset.
Unfortunately mum's best friend ( of 84 years!!) is in hospital too otherwise they would just chat all day, that's what they normally do.

OP posts:
LittleCharlotte · 01/05/2024 14:09

I am so very sorry, OP. My heart goes out to you. I'm very glad your sons are acting as intermediaries for you so you don't have to deal with your sister any longer; she's a horror.

BigRedCat · 01/05/2024 13:28

Have only read the OP.
You’re not a bitch, but you do need to set some boundaries here.
If you wanted to go to your son’s birthday you should have gone. You’re being beyond accommodating, and in those situations you will always end up being taken advantage of.
Set reasonable boundaries and stick with them.

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 13:19

On the plus side Dad didn't pour his ice cream and juice onto his lunch today! I always try and look for the broght side, but I am really struggling to find one here.

OP posts:
Testina · 01/05/2024 13:19

You should have given her number to the one that would tell her to get fucked!

But well done for refusing to speak her further. Not that you need justification, but that nasty comment gives you it.

Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 13:12

Things are bad here . My sister
just said to me "I know you have $signs in your eyes about mum and dad's property."
I am actually in shock. They moved away when I was 20 and I have never been reliant on them or taken a cent off them.
My sister when she accidentally got pregnant moved straight to their place and lived there for years, for free of course. Has used them for childcare constantly etc. And then every other weekend had them getting up at 6am to "help" at her market stall ( too tight to pay anyone.)
Meanwhile I was 2 hours away so not asking them for anything. Just visiting or inviting them to ours for parties and things like their 50th wedding anniversary which I had at my place.
I assume she is saying this because mum asked me to get a valuation of their property and I aske 2 agents to go by but not go in the house . A drive-by type valutaion. One took a photo from the bottom of their place which is waterfront but public land. My sister said that was trespass and I had no right to organise that. Even though mum had asked me.
I have just texted her that I can't deal with her and all future communication has to go through one of my son's and gave her the numbers of two ( one turning 30 in a few days and one 23yo about to graduate law school). I left the other one out as he would just tell her to get fucked. ( probably the smartest of the lot of us)
What a shitshow of a situation. Mum has been in tears, so have I. Fuck. Sorry for ramble.

OP posts:
Original poster
margolyes · 01/05/2024 01:31

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 12:29

Have you tried written notes for her, or a blackboard noticeboard, calendar, anything like that so she doesn't keep asking what's happening after forgetting what youve told her? Appreciate you've only had her a couple of weeks.

Yep. She can read, thankfully. We have given her typed notes, handwritten everything in her diary for every day, plus given her a notebook to write things like phone numbers. She says, " oh thank you". Five minutes later asks me the same questions. I am at the "yep, yep, hmmm" stage. ( she has just asked me 5 times if the weather presenter on the TV is gay). Gosh knows why. She doesn't recognise her grandchildren in a photo. Has forgotten where the bathroom is in our house . Asks every time or walks the wrong direction. Aged care workers need a bloody medal and a massive pay rise.
I suppose it helps if you aren't emotionally involved but geez, I'd have to wear noise cancelling headphones to cope. Love to any aged care workers who happen to be reading. I am in awe.

OP posts:
EatCrow · 30/04/2024 17:11

IWantOut29 · 28/04/2024 06:30

Do you know the OP's reasons for not working? I'll put money on it being a damn good reason that affects her day to day life!

I dont work at the minute no, Im recovering from fleeing a 7 year DV relationship whilst trying to recover from anorexia, recently diagnosed ADHD and trying to support my ADHD son and autistic daughter. Also waiting for my own autistic assessment. Also have PTSD from my baby dying 2 hours after he was born,

I hope you feel good trying to belittle people

I'd be outraged if my sister tried putting all the care on me and tried booking my weekends for me without checking I had plans or not. So people who dont work ( for reasons we dont know nor should assume because it makes you look a right nasty cow ) arnt allowed to have any free time or be asked if their available for the weekends?

Your being ridiculous

Show quote history

It’s a thing isn’t it - ‘not working’ is equivalent to being an abuser (never an excuse). All these people quoting the Tory rhetoric.

wompwomp · 30/04/2024 17:06

@Finlesswonder
The sister is wealthier
The OP is missing their ds 30th but sister expects them to accommodate her going to visit her dc the following weekend.
Nah. No working doesn't make you a slave.
Added to which, caring for dementia parents 24/7 is way more than doing 18 hours a week job and a hobby market stall

wompwomp · 30/04/2024 17:03

Finlesswonder · 28/04/2024 06:03

You don't work and your sister has 2 jobs

Not really. One very part time job and a side gig

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/04/2024 15:04

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 13:23

I just mentioned it as she sounds a lot like my grandmother with the five minute questioning. My grandmother's presents mostly as that short term memory loss and notes and routine help a lot.

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No, fair enough. I just wanted to highlight that it might not be a solution. Obviously it absolutely might be.

InSpainTheRain · 30/04/2024 14:49

OP, I think you've had a massively tough time on here. But honestly until those people have cared for someone with dementia they will not understand how difficult, depressing and heart breaking it can be. I think your sister is incredibly rude to not ask you about the second weekend, you are very kind doing the first. I'd take on almost any job over caring for my mum again, it was incredibly hard.

I think your best plan is to find someone safe and comfortable for you mum. Sadly dementia doesn't get better in anyway, it does become even more difficult. I think you should look into options so you can cope better and also so you can spend time with you DC (you mention a 12 yo).

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 13:23

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/04/2024 13:01

A lot of people lose the ability to read as their dementia progresses so it would depend if she is still able to process and remember words whether this would help.

Show quote history

I just mentioned it as she sounds a lot like my grandmother with the five minute questioning. My grandmother's presents mostly as that short term memory loss and notes and routine help a lot.

YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 · 30/04/2024 13:10

There's a simple solution to this.

Sister rents out spare house and uses the money to pay for a carer.

Don't miss the 30th.

Spare house ffs.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/04/2024 13:01

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 12:29

Have you tried written notes for her, or a blackboard noticeboard, calendar, anything like that so she doesn't keep asking what's happening after forgetting what youve told her? Appreciate you've only had her a couple of weeks.

A lot of people lose the ability to read as their dementia progresses so it would depend if she is still able to process and remember words whether this would help.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/04/2024 13:00

OP, I work in a dementia care home and the easiest thing is just to go with the person's version of reality. So your mum forgets that your dad isn't going home. When she says about it just agree, "that will be good yes he will like that." Saves a little bit of your sanity and hopefully stops some of her upset.

It's a horrible disease. Getting them into care will let you stop being a carer and just be a daughter again.

User884721 · 30/04/2024 12:39

Sounds like a shit situation still. But a hospital 5 minutes away is a good thing? Can your mum sit with your dad by herself in hospital? You could drop her off and go back for her? Or would she wander off and get into trouble

Kalevala · 30/04/2024 12:29

Have you tried written notes for her, or a blackboard noticeboard, calendar, anything like that so she doesn't keep asking what's happening after forgetting what youve told her? Appreciate you've only had her a couple of weeks.

Catsmere · 30/04/2024 12:26

Ouch.

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