Have I just been dumped before we even began ??

utsjustnavy · 2024-04-28T00:08:14+00:00

Chatting to a man for last week. Met twice and got on great. Shared a kiss. Went for dinner earlier . Great evening and great company. Things got steamy. We kissed etc and chatted. He shared his fantasy of another in the bedroom .. a female... in context of conversation.. when I challenged him on this and said well how do you feel about a male , he said no problem as long as he didn't have to be intimate with him etc. yet he had hoped I'd be interested in a female .. I said I had no interest in that really but especially if he had no interest in doing the same either . That was that. We had kisses and fun but nothing heavy . I text to thank him for a lovely evening and also said that as his fantasies wouldn't t be realised by me , if he wanted to let things go, that was perfectly fine. He replied saying the pleasure was all his and we' ll keep in touch ( we're both busy for the next few weekends ) I answered with take care and he said .. you too... have I just been dumped here ???

tuvamoodyson · 09/06/2024 17:06

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 07:47

I wasn't looking for validation whatsoever .. I wanted to ascertain whether this fantasy was just that or did he expect to fulfil it in the future.

Oh! Who cares? He’d have been blocked the minute he was through the door!

Mummy2024 · 09/06/2024 16:42

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 01:30

I had said if he wanted to let things go based on the fact that his fantasies would never be realised by me ...

We'll keep In touch is friend zoned tbh in my opinion and when ever this is raised on a first date i think it's a deal breaker for the person raising it. They are raising it early on as they don't want to waste time if down the line if it's raised and rejected.

I wouldn't message again unless they message you.

Original poster

utsjustnavy · 29/04/2024 14:46

Thanks for the response.
So many valid points there and points to learn from.

As the day went on yesterday and even today, I felt more and more repulsed by him. Then I made a connection with a friend who knows his friends and as judgy as this sounds, she said his friends and that group were a bunch of ' scummy, cheating, self obsessed, creepy and selfish bellends who you would never cross..' many policemen in there ....
So that's helped me
Enormously .

Dodged a bullet for sure .

OP posts:

Catlord · 29/04/2024 13:26

NavyPeer · 29/04/2024 13:08

Ok so you both have poor boundaries so there is no point in this continuing

think I’m a sex negative prude all you like (couldn’t be further from the truth tbh) but:

being ‘up front about sex from day 1’ WILL open the door to a lot of unhinged, complicated people AND will have some thinking that you are in that group

you aren’t going to meet a nice man for a nice, uncomplicated relationship being ‘up front from day 1’ as it’s fucking odd behaviour when you are strangers

sexual chemistry can be determined without ‘being upfront about sex’ when you have met them a couple more times and are certain they aren’t an axe murderer and actually WORTH one iota of your sexual energy.

Flirting, how you kiss, how eager they are to please you, build up, tension, maybe those more risqué conversations once there is some groundwork…not threesome chat on date one 2 hours after ‘do you enjoy your work’

^^ and no; the time you were penpalling saucy stuff over text doesn’t count as ‘groundwork’.

thicken your skin

know your worth

lose the headfucks

Edited

Show quote history

FFS my message deleted. Suffice to say, exquisitely put!

SallySunrise · 29/04/2024 13:20

I'm sure there's loads of these types out there...but he wasn't called Simon was he?

NavyPeer · 29/04/2024 13:08

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 09:21

He was upfront from day one about sex. As was I. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd never had a threesome and would love one ... but not with a man. He has quite a few kinks. Nothing major but I think there was a lot of ' talk' and judging by his selfishness when we were having some light fun after the date , I'm
Pretty sure he's low in 'action'.
In fact I think a lot of his sexual prowess and talk, is just that.
I'm pretty sure in retrospect that he would have been selfish and mildly pushy in bed.
I do think as one poster said, that he thought we were going to have some serious fun last night because , while he didn't push it , he said at the end that he was glad that we didn't actually have sex or even get close to it as it would have been too rushed.
It seems he was full of shit actually.
Yes, he was in it for the hook up and I was in it for a light and uncomplicated relationship.
I know that asking ' who dumped who?' Is a moot point but his responses were very vague I thought .

Ok so you both have poor boundaries so there is no point in this continuing

think I’m a sex negative prude all you like (couldn’t be further from the truth tbh) but:

being ‘up front about sex from day 1’ WILL open the door to a lot of unhinged, complicated people AND will have some thinking that you are in that group

you aren’t going to meet a nice man for a nice, uncomplicated relationship being ‘up front from day 1’ as it’s fucking odd behaviour when you are strangers

sexual chemistry can be determined without ‘being upfront about sex’ when you have met them a couple more times and are certain they aren’t an axe murderer and actually WORTH one iota of your sexual energy.

Flirting, how you kiss, how eager they are to please you, build up, tension, maybe those more risqué conversations once there is some groundwork…not threesome chat on date one 2 hours after ‘do you enjoy your work’

^^ and no; the time you were penpalling saucy stuff over text doesn’t count as ‘groundwork’.

thicken your skin

know your worth

lose the headfucks

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 28/04/2024 17:23

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 07:29

I had told him from the beginning that I wanted something light but exclusive , that my downtime was limited so it couldn't be a conventional , typical relationship. He said he wanted the same.
By laying down that boundary , It wasn't my intention to dump him but to see f his fantasy was just that or was he determined to act on it .
Once I said to him in person, that it would never happen with me, he immediately said that he respected that and it would never be brought up again.
Then when I text to say thanks etc and gave him an out, I didn't know if his response was dumping me or what?
I'm absolutely not worried .
I had hoped rather that he would respond differently ie yes, lets leave it or no , I'd like us to see where this goes etc.
The response being ... the pleasure was all mine and then ... let's keep in touch seemed ambiguous to me. Still does tbh.

I would interpret "let's keep in touch" as a polite "see ya later"

A bit like when someone says - we must do coffee sometime, but don't actually mean it. I'd write this one off and move on.

sweetpickle2 · 28/04/2024 17:15

Kindly OP, you need a thicker skin than this for online dating.

There are bigger creeps out there than someone who honestly expresses what he's looking for on the first date!

Bluestarling · 28/04/2024 16:37

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 13:55

I've gone from being confused to disappointed to angry and repulsed today.
Now I feel that I'm never goi g to meet anyone just lovely and normal.
Is on line dating full of these horrible creeps ?

No point being angry ....he asked...it's not your bag so you both move on....wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him again though.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/04/2024 14:04

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 12:41

I agree with all posters . Tacky and gross. I suspect that because I used words like light/ regular and uncomplicated , he took this to mean a Fuckbuddy . He ignored the exclusive bit.
I also said in context that there was no room for anyone else in any bedroom of mine either physically or mentally and his mood definitely changed.

Dodged a bullet is right.
What a disappointment .
Worryingly, thinking back on our exchanges, I didn't see where he was going with it , even though the subtle signs were there .
I am glad I shot it down immediately though . My boundaries had been skewed for a long time .

But you did see it and you will be better prepared if it happens again. Be proud of yourself for holding your boundaries.

Original poster

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 13:55

I've gone from being confused to disappointed to angry and repulsed today.
Now I feel that I'm never goi g to meet anyone just lovely and normal.
Is on line dating full of these horrible creeps ?

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/04/2024 12:49

MinistryOfTragic · 28/04/2024 11:20

That's called dodging a bullet, not being dumped OP.

I think this too. You gave him an out, and he took it. Thank goodness! To mention threesomes so early sounds a red flag to me..

Original poster

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 12:45

Did you read the whole thread @Nanny0gg ?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2024 12:44

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 07:29

I had told him from the beginning that I wanted something light but exclusive , that my downtime was limited so it couldn't be a conventional , typical relationship. He said he wanted the same.
By laying down that boundary , It wasn't my intention to dump him but to see f his fantasy was just that or was he determined to act on it .
Once I said to him in person, that it would never happen with me, he immediately said that he respected that and it would never be brought up again.
Then when I text to say thanks etc and gave him an out, I didn't know if his response was dumping me or what?
I'm absolutely not worried .
I had hoped rather that he would respond differently ie yes, lets leave it or no , I'd like us to see where this goes etc.
The response being ... the pleasure was all mine and then ... let's keep in touch seemed ambiguous to me. Still does tbh.

Seems pretty clear to me

Yes you have, sorry

LightSpeeds · 28/04/2024 12:42

He sounds like a pervert. I wouldn't have been thanking him for anything!

Original poster

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 12:41

I agree with all posters . Tacky and gross. I suspect that because I used words like light/ regular and uncomplicated , he took this to mean a Fuckbuddy . He ignored the exclusive bit.
I also said in context that there was no room for anyone else in any bedroom of mine either physically or mentally and his mood definitely changed.

Dodged a bullet is right.
What a disappointment .
Worryingly, thinking back on our exchanges, I didn't see where he was going with it , even though the subtle signs were there .
I am glad I shot it down immediately though . My boundaries had been skewed for a long time .

OP posts:

Catsmere · 28/04/2024 11:35

It gets even worse rereading the OP. This sleazy creep wanted her to be up for sex with another woman. He's pimp material.

Onelifeonly · 28/04/2024 11:28

I think you dumped him from the wording of your message. But it was tacky of him to bring up a threesome at this early stage especially as you stipulated wanting something ' exclusive'.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 28/04/2024 11:27

You weren't "dumped" - you let him know clearly and assertively that you were not the woman he was looking for and that you were ok with ending it. If anything, you dumped him (in a very nice and gentle way). There was no way the relationship was going to continue after that conversation.

Or were you expecting that he'd give up his fantasies and hopes to find someone with whom to act upon them?

BirthdayRainbow · 28/04/2024 11:23

He sounds like a creepy man who thinks single mums are easy or desperate. I really wish single mums got less criticism or if that isn't possible for hard of thinking people, that single dads also got the same grief.

MinistryOfTragic · 28/04/2024 11:20

That's called dodging a bullet, not being dumped OP.

Silvers11 · 28/04/2024 11:19

NeverEnoughPants · 28/04/2024 05:55

So you basically told him you aren't that into him (if you were you wouldn't have said that you were 'totally fine' if he wasn't interested), and now you think he's the one that has called time, when he's actually the one that said 'we'll keep in touch'? If anything, it sounds like you dumped him.

This ^^
If I'd got the message from you, which you sent to him, I would have thought you were dumping me TBH. He said what he wanted , you said not for you!

taylorswift1989 · 28/04/2024 10:52

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 08:45

@NavyPeer no... I wanted a more specific response from him and I posted here just to ask if it seemed he had dumped me because I laid down that marker.

If you wanted a specific response, you should have asked a specific question.

No one on MN is going to be able to read his mind. If you want to have unconventional relationships, you need to have excellent communication skills or you'll never know what's going on.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/04/2024 10:49

utsjustnavy · 28/04/2024 10:04

@heartbroken40 I couldn't agree more and thanks.
I just wonder if my wording is all wrong. Now I'm not blaming myself here for misreading the signs of him being dissatisfied with just one partner etc because he presents as exceptionally engaging, kind, funny , respectable etc but when I expressed my wants originally.. ie light, uncomplicated , exclusive , regular etc( due to single parenting , work, commitment ) , he was all on for this and agreed wholeheartedly that this is what he also wanted .
Did I miscommunicate here?

He was telling you what you wanted to hear to get to a point where he felt comfortable saying what he actually wanted.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/04/2024 10:47

I would absolutely take this that he is wanting a woman for a threesome and you said no so his search continues.

No one is saying they fantasise about threesomes after 2 dates and wanting a serious relationship.