Ex friend text to tell me what a horrible person I am

You don’t know that. It could be a complete coincidence.

(haven’t rtft)

@feelo your choice whether to reply. You could reply that she is right, you should have responded at the time but you were in a bad place yourself and then you let things drift, but, she could have said something sooner herself and you could have both moved on. You’re sorry about her wrist and hope it improves but agree this friendship has run its course and wish her well.

Depends really what you want the outcome to be. Saying nothing is also fine.

Honestly, I'd reply.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your wrist. While you have been struggling with your wrist I have also had my own personal struggles. Our friendship was always very one-sided and while I was unwell I felt unable to give you my time or energy. I haven't contacted you during my illness but you haven't reached out either. I actually find your message a bit hypocritical and self centred. We all have our own struggles and I wish you well with yours. I respect your decision to end our friendship. In my mind it was already over.

Why does the message bother you?

You obviously don't care about her or the friendship.

I would write back “Sorry to hear about your wrist. I’m sure I’d feel even guiltier if you were able to tell me anything significant that has happened to me in the last 18months. Friendship is not a one way street.”

It really doesn't help the situation to label someone "horrible" though. Friendship can be complex and full of misunderstandings - despite what some people on MN seem to think, life doesn't always run smoothly. I think friends and acquaintances have to give each other some leeway and just forgive each other. The friend hurt her wrist, but OP's heart was hurting (she was in a fairly serious depression by the sound of it). Depression is a fatal illness (I have had a couple of friends die from depression and suffer myself).

OP, I would do what some others on here have suggested and reply to say that unfortunately you were depressed at the time and that you were overwhelmed. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck and congratulate you on moving through your depression.

I've had this exact same thing happen (different details obviously). This is about your friend not you. Some people have very specific expectations of friendships, don't express their expectations, and then build up huge resentment when those expectations are not met. I had a fair few insults along with the ending of mine (that I'm selfish and think I'm something special). At the time I could see she was very hurt and I sent a nice apologetic reply. However, if she got in touch now I would politely decline and further contact.

Don’t reply. The friendship was always one-sided, you put all the work in. You’ve gone a year without her and you say you’re in a really good place now, so why change anything?

block and delete her number. Think no more of it.

Personally I'd just text back and say that you're sorry you didn't text back at the time, you were having a very bad time and were really struggling emotionally, and you wish that she'd updated you sooner because you were not in an emotional place to reach out for help, and you are sorry to hear about her wrist. Then just leave it. Let her stew on the way she has reacted.

Sorry you’re going through a tough time OP but how was your friend to know how you were feeling unless you told her? She cancelled on you because she hurt herself, you should have checked up on her afterwards, she wasn’t to know you were struggling mentally?

Of you haven’t spoken in a year then obviously you don’t need each other as friends so maybe just leave it?

Doesn’t sound to me like you did anything wrong! Either a) completely ignore or b)say you agree the friendship is over as you seemed to be the only one who made any effort. Then forget all about her.

If neither of you have been in contact for a year, and it never entered your head to find out how she was, then the friendship is dead in the water anyway.

I might respond and say "I totally agree, I was at fault here, and I accept there is no coming back from this, but to be honest I feel the friendship had run it's course as the only times we have met up are when I contacted you. So my bad in this instance, but neither of us have been a good friend to the other. I hope your wrist heals soon."

And then leave it.

Tell her the truth, tell her how depressed you felt etc and about the police visit. She will realise that she is not a great friend either.

Not sure why she’s even messaged you this after a year.

This is a good message , if you're going to respond I'd do it with this.

You are both in the wrong, and whilst you're asking for her to understand, and have empathy for your situation, you're not showing her the same courtesy.

We have friendships that endure and some that don't last because the connection that brought you together is no longer there. Work friendships being the prime example.

I wouldn't bother to respond. It won't make you or her feel any better. The friendship is over.

There as clearly a reason you didn’t reply about her wrist. Probably because if her selfish behaviour when you last met. I’d ditch the friendship and move on..,

I'd leave it, you're in a much better place now and it sounded a one sided friendship anyway. I'm really pleased you're feeling better, depression is dreadful, now look forward not back x

@Padfootnprongs I think that's a really good message.

I would send the following:

”Thank you for being honest with me about how you feel. I probably should have been as open with you last year. In truth I had felt the friendship was over before your accident, as I felt had been doing all the running for some time. I was struggling with depression and needed a friend, so the cancelled visit (through no fault of yours) sent me to a bad place, hence the lack of reply. I am genuinely sorry to hear that it was a bad break, and wish you a full recovery.

I don’t get it…. You did something crappy … not replying about wrist and then she did something crappy.. send a text after a year and you are focusing on her behaviour and not seeing that it is directly related to yours. Feels like a double standard. You are allowed to behave badly because of low mood but she is not allowed to behave badly…sounds like she cared about you and you have lost a friend because you put your hurt before hers… you could try and explain maybe

I just wish she’d said earlier and approached it differently. I have no issue with her calling it out but I think it would have been a better outcome/closure for us both if she’d just said what I did hurt her and allowed me the chance to explain.

I think you're being a bit disingenuous here. It's entirely predictable that a person would be hurt by someone they considered a friend not even acknowledging a message cancelling their planned get together because she's fallen down the stairs and hurt herself. I would be hurt by that. I think 99% of people would be and for you to claim you had no idea she would be upset doesn't ring true for me.

Her calling it out a year after the fact isn't on, of course. She had no idea of your circumstances and I wouldn't dwell on it too much if you've been doing well since then.

Of course, if the linked post above IS about you, none of what I've said above applies.

You did what you did. If after a year she brings this to you is because she is holding a big resentment towards you.
You have different choices, two of them are, ignore as she only knows her side of the story or tell her the same you had told us (see if with the true she find some peace and you as well find and end to your actual felling).
If I were you I would be inclined to ignore. I don't think an apology and clarification will do any difference after a year and I wouldn't want to open that door to any discussion.
Yes, it had would be nice if you follow her recovery, but you weren't capable to follow your normal daily life so I think you can forget about it.

You had your reasons, but I think I'd be hurt if I told a friend I'd injured myself and they didn't acknowledge the message. It sounds as if you didn't want to continue the friendship anyway, so I wouldn't do anything to try and revive it now. Maybe send a message saying you're sorry, you were going through a bad time and wish her well. Then block her to be sure there's no further contact.

You didn’t think she was a good enough friend to reply to in the first instance, as she’d let you down by not being interested in you previously, and you haven’t worried about the loss of friendship this past year. You are only upset now because you feel guilty for nor responding and mad that she’s blamed you. But she’s not a mind reader. She’s also allowed to be upset that you didn’t contact her after saying she’d hurt her wrist. And it’s not surprising she didn’t contact you to rearrange after being ignored.

It’s ok that you are both hurt. You both have grounds to be hurt.

You can either accept that she’s not a good friend and let it drift, or you can respond to her hurt text and explain why you didn’t respond. It might mean you resume your friendship and become even closer if you both expose your vulnerabilities.

Do you want to try to salvage or not bother?

I would just completely ignore it and try not to give her any headspace at all. She didn't ask at the time if you were ok or why you didn't reply.
You don't owe her an apology or any explanation, especially after a year.