Do toxic people know they’re toxic?

This is really interesting. I have wondered about for example if a guy is a sulker to get his own way, does he actively think hey I shall be sulky today to ensure my girlfriend does as I wish or is it instead some sort of learned behavior that subconsciously gets results?
I have a colleague who in my opinion is an extremely manipulative unpleasant arsehole. I am sure he is deliberate in his behaviour. Once noticed cannot be unseen. He actually frightens me in a non physical way.

I think that they often do know. I have watched toxic people conceal their toxic traits when it suits them or they think someone is watching. People who can turn on the shit or sugar must be able to distinguish between the two and choose when to be one or the other.

I don’t agree “they intentionally hurt others “

Do they know they are toxic? Yes
Do they intentionally hurt others? Yes
Are they a victim of circumstance? Yes
Did their upbringing or an experience make them this way? Yes

That's great you recognised and identified what was going on and subsequently reached out, I'd say that's the opposite of toxic
Glad you've got some coping mechanisms and able to talk

Quite often. They know when they're being sneaky, though.

No.

I think most people (including myself) lack self awareness and the image they hold of themselves is very different to the way they come across to others.
For example, people who declare themselves empaths are often, in fact, very self centered and people who describe themselves as pushovers generally bulldoze others into their point of view.

I did I got help I suffer GAD you have to understand not everyone means to be toxic …..mine as I said before is an anxiety disorder

Are we talking about sociopath toxic or everyday toxic?

People who are psychopaths probably have very little self awareness and no clue whereas other types of toxic have some self awareness, think they can control it but actually can't.

I definitely know I've been toxic in the past, I've grown up and can now recognise the behaviour. I don't think I knew it at the time

I disagree with the majority - toxic people can know they are toxic. For example those who apologise for what they do but keep doing it or those who preface what they’re doing with “ I know I’m a pain/lucky to have you”. You get those manipulative people that threaten suicide etc “I know I’m difficult but if you leave me I’ll…”

I don’t think they do. And they often don’t have the emotional IQ to explore why they are, and to do something about it.

Exactly that it got so bad for me I snapped at work so instead of staying in denial I got help with talking therapy from my drs it was a great help it tought me coping mechanisms

I think we all have some unpleasant traits, to a certain extent.

But truly destructive people are incapable of acknowledging their flaws, from my observations. It's always about how other people made them do things, or how they were provoked, or other poor me narratives. Over time, it builds up so it becomes literally impossible for them to accept any wrongdoing because the whole house of cards would come crashing down.

The classic example is how every single one of their exes was crazy. Unlikely anyone would be that unlucky.

Yeah, I'm the same - I get anxiety and it can turn me into a complete knobhead if it starts up 😁

I think it depends..I look back on my marriage and I realise my behaviour was toxic at times. I’d say in my defence that he was abusive and we bounced off each other. I’m very different since we split and I’m much happier and nicer now!
However, if someone persistently gets ‘wronged’, people ‘bully’ them, they have loads of people who refuse to speak to them…you constantly feel uncomfortable in their presence and they lie and manipulate, you have to recognise that they are the common denominator! People like that don’t see it though. ExMIL is like that. I believe that’s part of the reason XH is as he is, attachment issues! She always has an excuse for anything that happened. She rewrites history to suit her own narrative and I think she genuinely believes it. She has no idea she’s toxic and she never well. I’m very glad I don’t need to speak to her any more!

I honestly think sometimes it can be a mental health issue so I would say there are ppl who know they are doing it maybe not at the time but when they reflect ..I’m probably one of them for me it’s mt anxiety

I'm quite toxic sometimes; I keep myself to myself to avoid slipping into this mode.

Exactly! Some people just seem to behave badly towards a few "friends", for whatever reason, and seem perfectly lovely to others, which is quite baffling. I've known a few people like that.

I think it's a mix of circumstances, and how self aware they are.

I don’t think my inlaws realise they are toxic. They use emotional blackmail to get people what they want. They don’t realise that’s it’s deeply manipulative. They think their wants are more important than other people’s autonomy over their lives.

IME no. They seem to be the least self aware people. Or maybe being unselfaware makes you toxic?

But ‘toxic’ is a broad church, so generalizations like this unhelpful!