MIL, pregnancy and wanting NC

You say you once had that relationship- sounds like it was a false relationship. People don't go from nice to toxic so quickly. I'm sorry you are struggling but these people don't deserve the headspace that you are giving them. Focus on your dc and marriage because that is all that matters.

Having been through my fair share of family drama heavily pregnant and with a newborn - do everything you can to protect yourself and hunker down. If the situation is impacting both yours and your husbands mental health, have a chat between you and think about where you need to draw the lines now, around birth and after birth. The most important thing - and people forget this - is your recovery and you and DH surviving those early days with a newborn.

You dont owe anybody a relationship with your child. What you need for birth and recovery, and what your child needs, is to feel safe and supported. It isnt the time for high drama or rows. Whatever you decide to do now to support yourself and your family unit doesnt have to be forever.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
If you haven't addresses directly with your in-laws, you could always do so. I don't think I would accept any explanation, but at least this way they can 'explain' any side you haven't considered or don't know (but highly doubt it)

But honestly I think the best thing to do, at least for now, is to prepare yourself for your little ones arrival and enjoy the first few months of parenthood with your husband. It is a big life change and you need as much calm in your life as possible.

Enjoying the family you have created is the most important thing, and you and your husband need to be there fully supporting each other as much as possible.
What are your husbands thoughts on no contact?
If they can treat their own sons like this, then there is no telling how they can treat their grandchild. It might hurt to not have contact for you, considering how close you seemed to have become to mother in law, but protecting your child might just mean no contact is best, and if your husband feels this too, then as difficult as it feels, go wit this.

You may find after the birth of your child, the in-laws attitudes change and they come to you. But if this happens, I would make sure you voice your feelings regarding their attitudes and let them know you won't stand for this type of behaviour again.

I wish you all the best on your journey to motherhood xx

People who are arseholes don’t magically become great grandparents and will expose your child to the same behaviours you went no contact for

Why are you desperate to have someone in your life that contributed to wanting to end yours?
You really think that such a person would add anything to your dc life? I don't get these threads where people try and force relationships onto children. If your dh doesn't end up having a relationship with her then that's his choice, don't take that on as your burden. You owe her nothing and actually you don't owe your dh that too. And most importantly you do not owe your child a toxic grandparent.

Honestly, now is not the time to try and rebuild a relationship. Stay NC, have a peaceful pregnancy, birth and take time to bond with your baby and learn with DH about how to be a parent.

This is not something you need to rush. You may decide when your child is 6 months old that you’d like to try. You might also decide that your happy with NC and not want to bother.

Don’t make big decisions or changes when you’re vulnerable, anxious or heightened by stress/hormones. Don’t give them another special moment in your life that you may regret. Give them (if you choose) a random Sunday in November where you have no emotional connection to it in case it doesn’t go as you wish.

My husband won't see them without me if our child is involved.

Why? Is he not allowed?

I’m afraid you’re going to have to give an example, Op. Not doubting you but the other behaviours you’ve listed don’t sound that bad in the scheme of things.

there's way too much drama here and I don't think the MIL is to blame for all of it.

Yep. I really don't understand why this stuff is worth going NC. MIL going to visit her daughter who lives far away? Absolutely normal, even if it is close (ish) to DIL's due date. Bringing her and her baby back with her? Not remotely something for you to be jealous about @wishuponastarrr1 or to cancel a meetup over.

I'm wondering how much you and your husband's own mental health issues are factoring into your feelings and decision making. Because based on what you've said here, I can't see a reason to go fully NC.

I haven't seen ils for over 9 years.. Since ds was 3 months old. She snubbed her own dgs despite making effort with MY dc...much less stress in our lives now. No going back for us even if she begged..

"I want to reconcile for the sake of the baby."

Don't attempt to do this. She's already shown you what she thinks of you.

Protect your own mental health for the sake of the baby, it's way way way more important and will be much much better for the baby. Look after yourself and protect yourself from her toxicity for the sake of the baby (and yourself).

you got pissy because she didn't go to see her own daughter at a time of your choosing.

Step back, go NC and let your DH decide what he does.

Tbh you and your husband sound like hard work. You had breakdowns over his parents not being interested enough in your wedding? Nothing you've said here sounds bad to me.

Why shouldn't his mum visit her daughter? If she's not required on the labour ward what do you need her hanging around for? She's not playing games by sending gifts, she's happy to do so.

Sounds like you and your husband love a bit of drama and his mum isn't giving you enough, by not being bothered with you two faffing about with on/off no contact. You both need to toughen up and stop being so melodramatic, you're about to be parents!!

From experience. I wouldn’t try to reconcile. Stay NC. DH was no contact from his DF when we met. We married and had 3 DS’s. I saw DFIL in town one day, he looked old and sad. I convinced DH to reconcile and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made! I wish I’d kept my big fat mouth shut. He bullied my DH and DS’s. He was always friendly enough to me but I stood up for my family and he decided he didn’t like me any more. He went out of his way (and I mean put a huge amount of effort in) to try and destroy our marriage. After 3 years of his shit we went NC again. He later became ill and kept coming to our house looking for forgiveness, which we gave. It lasted 3 days before he was back to his old narcissistic bullying ways!

If they are accepting of NC. Why continue to send me birthday cards, gifts, Xmas etc. They leads me to believe they do want contact or they're just playing more games?!

Because that superficial level of contact is all they really desire? Doesn't take much thought or effort to pop a birthday card in the post.

My advice still stands: Let your husband initiate contact with his family if he wants to. Frankly it doesn't sound like they care much either way. They wouldn't be the first people to ignore a grandchild or favor one grandchild over another.

But it sounds like you do better when they are not involved in your life and I see no reason for you to bear the burden of trying to bring this dysfunctional family together.

Way too much drama here on all sides.

Of course MIL loves SIL more than you. She’s her daughter.
As for your h, what was his relationship with his mum like before you? Was it up and down ? Were the good times linked to him doing what his mum said and accepting that his sister was the favourite ? If she’s the favourite then why would you try and change MIL’s behaviour of a lifetime ? If that is the case, you are setting yourself up for drama and upset which is madness.

If you don’t want drama then you should stick to NC. If your husband isn’t ready for that then he can deal with MIL and keep you out of it. Your desire to have a good relationship with MIL is allowing her to treat you badly.

Not all grandparents are good. If you and your h aren’t ready for NC then would MIL be easier to deal with in small doses. Seeing her once or twice a year might not be what you imagined but plenty of families operate like that and the infrequent contact means less drama and polite time together.

Here’s what I’m having trouble with:

her trip had nothing to do with you. She’s not your labour coach. She has no reason to stick around just in case you gave birth (which you haven’t). So I don’t understand how you’re upset about that at all.

Your baby isn’t born yet, but you’re already saying she favours her other grandchild, who IS born over your unborn child.

Uh, yeah? Seems reasonable to me that she’d pay more attention to the child she can interact with vs the one she can’t?