To not go to sibling reception?

I think it would be wise for all of you to go but perhaps for your DH to be on standby to take your DS out of the reception to sit with him if it gets too much for your DS - maybe during the speeches? I think your brother would be very sad if you didn't show up. Conversely I think it would mean a lot to him to have his sister and her family at his wedding. If you're staying nearby your DH could always take him back to the place you're staying at before you leave?

I think you should go. You go to the church, the 3 of you go for the meal and leave as soon as your son finds it too much. If you don’t attend your parents will never let you forget it.

If I was your brother I would really appreciate you making the effort to come to the ceremony by yourself to see me get married. That’s the most important part of a wedding. Would you hang around so you are included in the group photos? That might be important to him.

During the rest of the day he’ll have hardly any time to speak to you and probably won’t notice your absence. I don’t mean that badly, he’ll just be caught up with what is happening.

The only reason I could imagine someone taking offence would be if they didn’t appreciate your son’s needs. That would be on them.

I understand your concerns OP - it's so so hard. It sounds like your brother is absolutely accepting of your son's needs though and not ashamed or embarrassed in any way. Which is lovely to be honest, when you think of the amount of wedding threads on here that are the opposite!

However that doesn't help you. You and your DH will be the ones managing this situation. You've had loads of lovely ideas on here so I agree you must attend in some capacity. But just be open and honest with your DB no matter what you decide

Don't ask your brother if it's ok with him as he will say that your son will be accomodated and you'll be back at square one. Decide what is doable and tell him (very very nicely and carefully) your plan

How about this as approach?

”DB - I can’t tell you how touched I am that you’ve tried so hard to include DS. I know that you and SIL to be would make him feel really welcome. But, as you know, his needs are complex. We really don’t want to mar your day in any way (or that of any of your guests, many of whom have travelled a long way). And - to be completely honest - from a selfish point of view, I think it would be far less stressful and more enjoyable for me just to come and see you get married at the venue. Would that be okay with you? I know that means we won’t spend part of your special day with you, but perhaps you and SIL-to-be could come for lunch/dinner/weekend afterwards and we could have our own celebration (which DS would love and would cope with a lot better). I do hope you understand - lots of love etc.

Another vote for going on your own. Be in the picture- the photographer usually gets photo's with brides family and grooms family; it would be good for you to be in those. Give your brother a big hug while the night is early. From what you have said, he will be looking to spent time with those who have flown in specially, so that means you could slip away relatively early.

Maybe you could get your child you do a little picture in a card- you could write 'to aunty xxx and uncle xxx, have a lovely day, love from xxxxx' with a little picture from your son. Pop this in with the gift- acknowledging that they did invite him to be part of their day.

Could you ask for a plus one instead of DH and DS and that would help you feel
less alone?

Is it very important to you to see your db get married or are you doing it for him? I completely agree with pp that your ds will get nothing from the wedding, except stress. Here's an idea - if you think about all the money you will save on clothes, travel, accommodation perhaps you could offer to pay for something like the cake? Or flowers? I don't know what wedding cakes and flowers cost these days? Maybe not 🤷🏼‍♂️ but it might be nice for your brother to be able to say and think my sister couldn't come but she paid for our wedding cake/flowers.

If my wedding was causing someone distress and anxiety, I'd be totally fine with them not coming. They don't need to put themselves through it for me!

Op I've voted YABU but because I'm in almost the exact same situation. Dsis wedding in July but the 3 of us are going all day and we will find a way to manage. You'll be ok, you're well prepared for situations like this. Enjoy yourselves x

Hmm I think I'd skip it tbh OP.

I recently attended a family wedding and my 8 year old relative (who is ND) was shouting through the speeches, screaming, trying to grab the mic etc etc. Plus rocking and just generally taking all the attention off the B&G.

Obviously I love him but I don't think he was happy at all and I could see his parents cringing and also worried about his wellbeing. They took him outside in the end and missed the meal as a result.

It's all fine for pp to say that this is discriminatory but this child, IMO, should not have been there. For his own sake as much as others!

Without headphones yes. So then he shouldn’t go.

OP, I’d go with option 1, or if it’s iPad without headphones then DH and DS stay at home.

there is also the option of not going at all in which case that maybe isn’t a problem for you if you’re not that close to DB or parents?

WHY does the OP need to go?

They're family. So what?

She likes her brother and his fiancée but they don't have a close relationship - they barely speak so clearly don't see each other much
Her parents are unkind.

The wedding will be full of friends so I bet the B&G won't really miss them

I'd send a lovely card and gift and stay at home

And not feel any guilt

Go alone or could you take a female friend as your plus one? Whilst DH looks after DS at home?

Would people really be pissed off about a special needs child using a device so the could be somewhat included in a family event??

I'm guessing the ds either can't or won't wear headphones. My dd wouldn't tolerate them.

Of course he can be on his tablet, the issue is it playing it loud; I understood from the above that the DS is unable to use/wear headphones.

I'm currently teaching my DC with autism how to use headphones as planning to go on a plane next year, but don't think other passengers will be amused at 6 hours of Cocomelon blaring out at them!

Just talk to your brother, present the options and say you respect his wishes as it's his wedding and you really don't mind your husband and ds not going. In a way you going on your own might be the least stressful option.

We have a parallel dilemma though it's dsd and our wedding - she is coming and i couldn't care less if she needs her tablet and refuses to be a bridesmaid. Her carer is coming too though, so a bit easier for us

Why can't he wear his ear defenders?

And I say difficult behaviour, not necessarily bad behaviour. Just the result of the person with LD not really understanding what's going on.

I wonder whether most people answering are not aware of the ND world or have any additional needs

That was exactly my thought. As you say, as parents we know best how to deal with our difficulties. People, even family, have absolutely no idea how draining it can be dealing with difficult behaviour, even just anticipating it.

And for what? The child (in my case adult child) isn't even enjoying it!
So why would we force it upon them?

Option 3. You go to the ceremony and reception alone. Let DH look after your DC

Agree. I have a dd with LD and over the years have had some really hard times dealing with her at family events etc. She's hyperactive and non verbal and doesn't understand how to behave and when she needs to be quiet or sit still.
I was forever wrestling to keep her seated. The last few weddings I haven't taken her. Family have commented she has a right to be there but, as I've pointed out,
she gets nothing out of it, doesn't enjoy being "managed" hates it in fact, so why would I force her into these situations over and over? And end the evening myself being a sweaty stressy wreck.

Nope. Not doing it any more.

I’d go with option 3. You’ll feel more relaxed. Find the friendliest looking people at the party and try to have a good time.

I do think you need to go.