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Original poster

Worried about losing DD to her father and his new family

33 replies

WorriedMama12 · 27/04/2024 12:39

I have posted about my situation once before, not this side of things but previously about how much I was struggling with my ex just moving on so quickly and easily and replacing what we had. I'm doing a lot better now but am still struggling with certain aspects of the fallout of things.

My little girl turned two in February, she's my absolute world. Her father and I were together for almost 10 years however we were on and off during my pregnancy, more off than on actually and he left when she was 3 months old. It was a real struggle, I suffered quite badly from PND and I still have guilt that I wasn't the best mum in those early months because of that. I took her out to baby classes during the day ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc most days but in the evenings, she would sit in her bouncer chair watching YouTube nursery rhyme type videos and I would basically just sit and cry. It was an awful time. I just didnt have it in me at the time to offer her more than i could. During the day when i took her out and about was when i held it all together, evening was when i crumbled. Her father did see her every other day for 3-4 hours at a time when he left. I have moved on (somewhat) from those days and she and I are always doing things and out and about having adventures. We have a lovely little life just me and her.

She goes to stay with her father EOW and a night during the week. Him and I don't talk much, I still hate him for leaving me in that state when I was 2/3 months post partum, thick in the midst of PND. He collects her from nursery and drops her off either here or at my parents.

Ex has a new family now. He got with his current partner around a month oe two after leaving me, she fell pregnant when my little one had just turned one and their little girl arrived end of last year. So there is around 21 months between my little girl and her half sibling.

I'm still on my own with my daughter, I decided to focus on her and my career to give me a better income and to hopefully allow me to buy a house for us in the near future, we are renting at the moment. I've also been going to therapy to try and heal before I even think of any future relationships etc. If I even want one.

I'm just so scared about losing my daughter to her other family, especially as she gets older. Her father is great with her, he cares so much for her, does lots with her, they have a very close relationship, which is great. He now lives with this partner and their little girl and basically has a ready made family and a secure, stable home to offer my DD. Whereas I'm just a single mum who can't have any more children due to fertility issues, so will never be able to offer my DD a sibling like he has. It overwhelms me at times that this little girl, who is my absolute world, has this whole other, perfect little family, that is nothing to do with me and that she may prefer to be a part of rather than with me as she gets older.

Am I being completely unreasonable here with these feelings?

OP posts:
Kindleonfire · 27/04/2024 13:16

Who knows what the future holds OP. The happy little family just now might not always be so as your child gets older. Everyone in my life who have kids a similar age to mine (9 and 11) have seen their lives change beyond recognition since our kids were toddlers.

You're not wrong to be angry at your ex for leaving you when you were vulnerable. It's not wrong to mourn the life you wanted to have with him. It's not wrong to be angry that he has that life you wanted with someone else. But you still have plenty to offer your DC. Focus on giving her that love, time and attention.

Original poster
WorriedMama12 · 27/04/2024 13:06

theduchessofspork · 27/04/2024 13:03

With kindness OP, you need to take yourself in hand here.

I am sorry you’ve had a rough time, but you need not to project this onto your daughter’s stepmother.

It’s a good thing if she is good with your daughter, but an involved stepmother is like an involved aunt - she is not your daughter’s mother. It is however good for your daughter to have an extended family of people who care for her.

Again with kindness, this insecurity is selfish - it is about you and not your daughter. It’s understandable but try not to give into it, work on building up your own life, not on rumination - it will make you bitter and unpleasant to be with in the long run.

Show quote history

I know what you've said is right. It's why I'm getting therapy, as I dont want to think like this, I'm trying to work on my thoughts around things. I know that my view on things is very skewed as a result of my own childhood.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 27/04/2024 13:03

WorriedMama12 · 27/04/2024 12:57

It's just tough. I just worry because I had quite a neglectful/abusive upbringing with my own single mum and I always wished I could be part of a stable, loving family. So my thoughts always go to the fact that she might want a stable family as well, not just a mum and no one else.

This partner of his has been in my daughters life since she was one, it makes me me sick to think that she'll be a lifelong mother figure to my daughter when really, at two, a child should have only one mum. Thinking to the future where this woman will share in all my daughters milestones, be a granny to her future children, be a massive part of her life. It just feels like I've been forced to share being a mother to my own child.

Edited

With kindness OP, you need to take yourself in hand here.

I am sorry you’ve had a rough time, but you need not to project this onto your daughter’s stepmother.

It’s a good thing if she is good with your daughter, but an involved stepmother is like an involved aunt - she is not your daughter’s mother. It is however good for your daughter to have an extended family of people who care for her.

Again with kindness, this insecurity is selfish - it is about you and not your daughter. It’s understandable but try not to give into it, work on building up your own life, not on rumination - it will make you bitter and unpleasant to be with in the long run.

theduchessofspork · 27/04/2024 12:58

You feel how you feel, nothing unreasonable about it.

However it would be unreasonable to get caught up in this. You are your daughter’s mum and nothing your ex does will change that. It’s good he’s a good father, so she has two good parents.

If you are worrying that she has a part of her life you aren’t involved in, then that suggests you need to build up your life a bit.

You do sound still down so keep up the therapy.

I hope this new family works out for him, but he’s moved on very quickly, so I wouldn’t count on that.

Original poster
WorriedMama12 · 27/04/2024 12:57

It's just tough. I just worry because I had quite a neglectful/abusive upbringing with my own single mum and I always wished I could be part of a stable, loving family. So my thoughts always go to the fact that she might want a stable family as well, not just a mum and no one else.

This partner of his has been in my daughters life since she was one, it makes me me sick to think that she'll be a lifelong mother figure to my daughter when really, at two, a child should have only one mum. Thinking to the future where this woman will share in all my daughters milestones, be a granny to her future children, be a massive part of her life. It just feels like I've been forced to share being a mother to my own child.

OP posts:
Tusktusk · 27/04/2024 12:46

I get where you’re coming from completely. But whatever perfect family set up they have, it can NEVER replace the close bond she has with you.

She will always need you and want you. The closeness you have with her now is laying down the foundations for that as she gets older.

Besides, he’s not exactly bending over backwards to have her in his life is he? EOW and 1 weeknight is pretty pathetic. Standard maybe, but pathetic. He’s only paying lip service to his responsibilities and she will always know that you are her main person.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2024 12:46

YANBU to feel sadness and resentment towards him. YABVU to minimise what you’ve achieved and how well you’ve come through an appallingly hard time. YAalsoBVU to think you’ll lose her in any way. She’s only got, or will ever have, one mum!

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 27/04/2024 12:44

You are her constant, her stability, the person there for her day in day out that's different from fun every other weekends and sharing attention with a sibling. Also he's an absolute bastard for Kevin's you in that situation, so don't count on his current happy little situation lasting, all relationships have ups and downs and he's down himself to be someone who runs when things are tough.