AIBU to ask if sometimes you feel just so exasperated by your DH?

Sometimes, but I'm sure he sometimes feels the same about me. That's the thing about marriage - it's give and take, and we have to accept the less good bits along with the good ones.
But I do agree, most of us do need plenty of alone time, so it's important to have individual hobbies/interests and to go solo now and again.

Totally hear you OP.

I nearly start this very same thread on a weekly basis. My DH is a good and kind man. He has some traits which I find hard to love but don't we all.

But the combination of his less than good points plus the things he does which irritate me, often make me wish I lived alone.

For me it has definitely got worse with peri / menopause. But I don't think that is because I've suddenly become unreasonable due to my inferior women's hormones. I think it is because at this age and stage in life, I'm thoroughly sick of accommodating what is actually quite selfish and immature behaviour.

What is becoming difficult for me is that DH can see that I'm often in a stare of irritation and he (obviously) finds it hurtful and he doesn't understand why I'm so often like that.

I generally say things like I'm tired or had a difficult day at work but it no doubt feels to him as though I'm grumpy and moody most of the time.

I don't know what to do. I've tried (over the years) to explain to him that dumping greasy dishes into a basin of cold water / whistling loudly / leaving doors open on cold days / almost constantly playing loud music or podcasts / leaving the basin or shower dirty / etc / etc are annoying and selfish habits but he still does most of them.

At the moment I'm really struggling with what I call "making me do his thinking" where he will ask me questions about something I know no more than him about. I will repeat "I don't know / I'm not sure / you better check" with increasing irritation. He is then hurt and cross and doesn't understand why I'm being like that.

The other thing that is hard for me at the moment is that he has a tendency to relay information from podcasts or TV shows that he has found interesting. But he does it a lot with both me and the teenage DC. Plus he does it by sort of imitating the speaker rather than saying "he said / she said" so it becomes very mansplainy because he is kind of giving us a mini informative lecture as though they are his own words rather than saying "I heard this really interesting thing the other day". It's hard to explain but it is incredibly irritating.

So yes I feel your pain. I don't know what to do. Our kids will be leaving home soon and I'm worried about us being more and more on our own.

For sure we all have things that our partner dislikes or finds irritating. I think though some people are more 'bad habit' types than others. I have 3 kids and I already feel sorry for the potential future partner of one of them!

I do get irritated with my DH, but equally he gets irritated by things that I do. We’ve discussed it quite a lot over the past few months. Nearly 30 years together, it’s not surprising that it happens.
When he’s not here, I enjoy the peace, but miss what he does around the house when I have to do it myself!!

I hear you op. Have locked myself away in the bathroom to get away for a bit. DH is definitely getting grumpier as he gets older too.

All three of my husbands pissed me right off.
I finally realised I just don't like living with people, men or women. I've been living on my own for the past 7 years and I've never been happier.
I have my two lovely cats and my lovely adult DS and I have honestly never been happier.
Funnily enough my DS never annoyed me we got on just fine the whole time he lived at home. If he came back home now I'd be perfectly happy. We are very alike though.

God I could go on and on but they're all minor niggles I suppose and I'm sure I have plenty of them that annoy him too

Yes exasperated by various niggles that mount up, like putting the bread right on top of the fruit bowl multiple times a day, even though I keep explaining it's making the bread go mouldy v quickly. He keeps saying he forgets. Or leaving toothpaste mixed with bits of food from brushing his teeth splattered in the sink, and a puddle of the drips on the bathroom floor 🤢 When I've found random bits of finger nails deposited on a plate after he's finished eating a sandwich at his desk, he then denies doing it?! They're not my bits of bitten fingernails and dd is at school!

Not listening to anything I say then getting narky with me when I say did you hear what I just said,

I would think most couples feel like this about each other at times, I'm sure I annoyed my late OH at times, he certainly annoyed me at times!

I love DH and he's genuinely a decent man but his personal habits are not easy to live with. He's morphed into some sort of hybrid between Basil Fawlty and Victor Meldrew. He's only 60.... god help me over the next 20 years. I've never noticed the age gap (10 years) but it's starting to feel like a gaping chasm.

Yes totally at times, he drives me bonkers! But he's also very loving, very very kind and makes me happy.
Sometimes I just ask him to stop with whatever is driving me mad and he does.
I'm sure I drive him mad at times too and it's worth remembering that, we can all be irritating to others

Yes I was frequently irritated by him. It wasn't so much what it was, it was the constant stream of it all. Finding windows closed that are used for ventilation, doors unlocked, lids off jam, crumbs everywhere, pots left on front of work surface instead of being at the back, pots unsoaked or taken out of soak (wtf?), shoes half put away, tv put on then he went out... every single day I spent 30 mins to an hour sorting out the house to an adult standard because of him. Then add on the door slamming, stomping around/shuffling, loud outside voice and inability to cover his mouth when coughing (despite all the public service announcements following covid). I. Am. Just. Done. (And getting a divorce). I can't cope with another twenty years of that shit.

I do. DH can be such a hypocrit. We had a talk last night and he said because my brow is furrowed when I’m working and because I answer simple yes/no questions with a yes or a no when interrupted, then I am apparently always angry, curt and mean and he is afraid to come home from work? i explain that that is my concentrating face and how else does one answer a yes/no question like “should I set an alarm?” Other than with a yes/no? I said I don’t understand what he is afraid of?

But then when he is angry and shouting saying things like “fuck you, you cunt” or “fuck this shit” or just “fuck fuck fuck” while slamming and breaking things such that I just leave the room, apparently that is me over reacting and choosing to be offended and I’m being a “pussy” because he “needs to vent” when I’ve expressed that behaviour scares me and I can’t be around it.

The threshold for him being scared is my brow furrowing when I’m concentrating on work and answering a yes/no question with a quick yes or no, and that’s supposed to make sense? But my threshold of being scared of him is being a “pussy” and “choosing to be offended”?

I knew it was ridiculous and typing it out has only highlighted that. But at any rate his nitpicking me on things like this when he can’t see how he expects me to put up with much worse from him has me very frustrated and annoyed at this point.

YANBU, mine is incredibly irritating at times and I often wish he would go out and leave me in peace! I'm definitely not perimenopausal. He's always been a bit oblivious. He has plenty of good points that make up for it - just about!

I'm going away on a mini break alone next month just to get away. I'm leaving Dh with 3 kids and feel a little guilty but honestly my sanity and marriage is at stake!

I agree with this. So much gets blamed on peri menopause and women's hormones and the reality is it's women just being expected to cope with an excessive amount of stress in their lives. When my husband left me, my peri-menopausal symptoms disappeared. Funny that!

I hear you OP. I am in a constant state of irritation and exasperation. Usually over small things but there are so many of them. I genuinely worry about it, I crave alone time all the time. If I had my own bedroom and a little private sitting/ reading room for myself I think we'd get on OK. Mostly I wish he could just be somewhere else!