MIL coming to stay with added extra

OP I would honestly pack my bags, go to my parents (or my best friends house) and leave him if my DH did this.

How horrific.

You're heavily pregnant. You can't be dealing with guests - tell the MIL and her friend to piss off.

I actually feel upset your DP has put you through this - can you leave???

My friend is married to an Italian, she said it’s taken her years to train him. Italian men are very much mammas boys, I’m trying to think of a saying I use to know but can’t remember it. Anyway, she has had to be tough with some things. She regularly chooses to do extra shifts on their 2 month stints visiting twice a year, but says she has to suck it up given they spend the entire 6 week holidays at the in-laws Italian farm. She also “helps” her parents with their business a lot which involves staying over when her in-laws visit.

I can’t remember what happened when the DCs were born, I think she said they descended, MIL & FIL but she was able to escape to her parents a lot. She’s been married for years now and said she’s gotten use to a lot but will put her foot down if need be.

This. Play him at his own game.

I would LOSE my shit! Literally!

I honestly think I would book myself into a hotel and stay there until the mil goes. Completely disrespectful. I would also be rethinking how the relationship with your DH is going to go. Hopefully he will realise this is a big deal and talk to his mm. If you don't take a stand this is the pecking order now forever.

I think this is some kind of cultural thing? The bring a friend bit is certainly unusual but you may actually be glad of them when they're there. I would hope they'll really look after you and give you time and space to bond with baby whilst the "fairies" cook delicious food, attend to the housework and laundry. I found myself very envious of those women whose mothers/female relations came and stayed for a few weeks around the birth and basically took over running the house whilst the new mother rested, recovered from the birth and bonded with the baby. In olden days it was known as the lying in period I think. Meanwhile I was home on my own post emergency c section with a newborn and left to get on with it whilst my mother who lived 5 miles away visited once a week. And complained about the state of the place. MIL never offered any help either. I would have loved to have been looked after like some of my friends were by older women who understood what I'd been through and how best to help as they'd been through it themselves many years ago and just understood.

Or... you could play her at her own game.

As someone else said, be the Momma... so she arrives and you immediately lavish her with gratitude and 'oh I am SO grateful you are here, it is so WONDERFUL to have your help'... and present her with a list of things, show her where the cups and plates are, the cleaning stuff etc etc..

Then park your arse somewhere convenient and keep up a stream of requests for her to clean this, hoover that, mow the lawn, make dinner, wash up...

Keep up some constant chatter about how fantastic her culture of looking after new mothers, stepping in to take the strain at such a crucial time... how lucky you are that she AND HER FRIEND have come to take over the heavy lifting...

Take charge, its YOUR house, not hers, you're the queen fucking bee here, wear that fucking crown!

Well it depends. My Italian mil was incredible and you really really will need help. But if staying for a long time even an angel could get on your nerves especially when hormonal and dealing with sleep deprivation and stress. In hindsight I m grateful she was so patient with me! But getting her friend to come without asking you is out of order. How's she in general? Your dh better start behaving. What is this a touristic trip?!

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say and crap advice! I suggest you grow a backbone.
Please don't listen to this doormat of a poster OP!

Absolutely not a chance I would put up with this and I really like my MIL. Can you go elsewhere? Is this a cultural thing? You need to be very honest with your husband about how you feel about this and if he doesn't listen then you have way bigger issues.

You say the friend has her own family in your area that she could stay with…… the friend should be staying there with your MIL! Then they can come visit your home as and when is appropriate.

This is a hill I’d die on. That last stage of pregnancy and first weeks with your first born baby is such a vulnerable but very special time of your life. I would not have wanted anyone staying but definitely not a random mate of my MIL!

I would have to put my foot down “I absolutely feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone I don’t know staying in my home at this time in our lives. If you are going to insist on your Mother and her friend staying in our home, then I will be leaving to stay somewhere else.”

You're not being unreasonable to ask that MIL's friend stays elsewhere OP, but sadly I don't understand what you're hoping for by posting on here about this, as you clearly don't have what it takes to stand up to DP and his DM, if you did, you'd have already laid the law down.

However, whatever you end up putting up with, I hope the birth goes well for you.

So the key to a happy marriage is to put up with a selfish partner, allow them to make all the decisions, ignore your own wants and needs?

I despair.

Yes put up and shut up. I bloody despair

Can you stay with your mom? That's outrageous.

Happy for whom?

I'm sure giving her partner everything he wants will make him happy. But will it make the OP happy?

Nope.

How disrespectful to you. Unacceptable. They can both check in to a hotel. Your dh can tell his mother that. If they don’t then you do nothing. No shopping, cooking, getting the room ready, cleaning before and afterwards. Your dh can do all of that. Walk around in what you want. Do what you want. Tell the guest that you didn’t invite her or your mil. Ignore these uninvited freeloaders.

WTAF?

My marriage is happy and that's partly because I have excellent boundaries which DH knows and respects. Being a doormat doesn't make you happy.

Yes, this is exactly it.

@Babycatsmummy You'll be exhausted, sore, emotional, awash with hormones, trying to establish breastfeeding if that is how you want to feed your baby. You don't even want your MIL staying while you're dealing with all that, let alone some total random. I don't think you'll ever forgive your partner for allowing your first experience of motherhood to be tainted in this way.

He needs to understand that right now, it's you and your baby, or his mother and her friend. He cannot please everybody.

So put in place a plan B. Tell him that if his mother and her friend are in the house, you and the baby won't be, so who does he most want to have this time with? His mother will get over being told to stay somewhere else...eventually. But he would probably always regret missing out on time with his newborn baby because you've gone to stay somewhere else.

If you want your marriage to be happy I think all you can do is welcome both of them. It's just going to be an absolute bloody nightmare otherwise.

I'd be packing up and moving in with my mum until the partner grows a backbone

There is no reason that your DP can't book them a close by air bnb or they can't stay with her friends friends

So his preferences take precedence before yours?

Despite you being about to give birth?

What a lovely man!

I'd talk to his mum and be quite clear that you would rather have this time to yourself and will welcome a visit in a few months' time.

I agree