MIL coming to stay with added extra

I'm quite a private person and this would be an absolute no from me and would have been a major issue if my husband pushed it. For so many reasons.

You could be in early labour at home for hours and will want privacy.

You will be recovering and trying to establish feeding and shouldnt have to think about what bits of you are hanging out or leaking at any given time. I had low milk supply and for the early weeks I was constantly either feeding or pumping to build up supply, it was a tough time and would have really impacted me to have to work around guests. I would have rarely left the bedroom.

Our spare room was often useful in the early days. For one of us to get a couple of hours sleep when we were taking turns during a difficult night, or for my husband to get some sleep when he went back to work and I was doing a lot of night feeds. If you're in a small two bed it's also good for storage - babies come with a lot of equipment and also in the early days when people were arriving with gifts it was quite overwhelming to have to sort through and spilt clothes into age ranges etc - absolutely a first world problem and I was very grateful, but I was glad to have somewhere to just store things until we could get around to them.

YANBU

Random houseguest while heavily pregnant, no thanks.

I’d also probably push for the MIL to not come / come later still. I wouldn’t want someone staying while going into labour, it’s an intrusion of privacy IMO.

Yup. Who the fuck does he think he is to expect you to just put up with this when you're about to give birth?

In light of the new information, please go and stay with your family for the period of the birth and immediate recovery.

Yes absolutely this if it's in any way feasible. Eg would you still be near the hospital you're due to give birth in? Could your family help move you and the baby's things to their house?

You are being bullied and imposed on at a time you are most vulnerable instead of being supported by your partner.

Once his mother and her friend come and cuckoo in your home you will have lost all control of your wants, needs and in such a small home, your privacy. And don't be surprised if they want control of you around the time you're giving birth and immediately afterwards too. So advise your midwife that you don't want MIL and her friend anywhere near you in the hospital and also, given how uncaring your partner sounds, consider having your mother as your birthing partner instead of him, so you have someone who will properly advocate for you. 🌹

Your DP is such a sorry wet lettuce. He needs to tell them no!

I can’t think of any culture that involves the partners mother staying for three months during the time her sons partner gives birth and her bringing a friend along without asking first? The two of them staying in the baby’s room. I certainly wouldn’t want this woman’s friend staying where my baby would be sleeping (or not sleeping 😁). Perhaps that’s an idea - install the cot in the spare room. Put your baby there during the night with you sleeping on the bed in this room. They can sleep in the sitting room area on inflatable mattresses. You can also be up and about in this room at night as you walk around with your baby. They’ll get no sleep. Not your problem.

This is shocking. I don't think you should have to leave your home. MIL and friend should go to a Premier Inn, do as PP and nurseryfy the spare bedroom. Don't be bullied into accommodating others plans. Have your own plan, look after yourself. And don't worry about offending MIL, she is being outrageously selfish. Ffs.

OP I am furious on your behalf here. I don’t know what you will decide to do but the thought of a stranger staying in my house at that time is absolutely abhorrent to me. It’s such a vulnerable time.

The MIL would depend on what they are like. Nurturing, respectful and ready to roll their sleeves up and cook and clean etc then may be. It sounds as though your MIL is quite overbearing though.

Show your DP this thread may be?

I think a PP. who said that if you are worried about upsetting them then don’t be. They are not worried about upsetting you.

Im a bit disappointed your family are focusing on how difficult it will be for them to visit rather than on you.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this.

Im so glad your friend is going to be there. May be she could come and stay instead? MIL and her friend won’t fit then!

Please go and stay with your mum. Give yourself a bit of space, but I hate to say it in this situation I’d also use it to take back some control. He’s doing whatever the fuck he likes, his mum is coming- when you push back there is no compromise she comes anyway.

Prove to him you have options and show him what the result is if he doesn’t listen and support his pregnant wife. Go and stay at your mums, when he asks how long for say it’s until you feel comfortable in your own home again and that means no friend there, no atmosphere and his mum needs a return flight booked. You want a firm agreement now that she won’t come to the hospital. I’d also tell the lovely hospital staff you don’t want her there.

Agree.

Your dh is a selfish prick.hes the biggest issue. I’d stay in bed and not move whilst they are there.

Not a zoo attraction nails it!!!

cultural or not it’s her body. It’s her home too and one of the most significant times in her life. They live in the UK not Italy. He should be managing this better.

I'd be off to stop with my mother while DH has a good hard think about who his priorities lay with.

Ask your partner directly “why are your mums needs and wants more important than mine, when I’m the one having a baby” and see what his reply is. Then begin to communicate your needs and set boundaries. “I need to protect my space when I’m going to be very vulnerable after having given birth and being in recovery. Your mums friend will not be staying”. “I need to give birth with only those I have selected with me. Your mum will not be in the hospital when I’m in labour and I’ll be letting the midwifery staff know this is my wish”. I appreciate that may sound easier said than done but if you don’t set a precedent now it’s going to be really difficult in the future to set boundaries. Good luck!

Your op and updates all seem to be about your DP and his DM's wants and opinions.
Dp says, mil says, mil wants . . . .

You realise that you have a voice too, right?
Use it.
What are you worried about? Upsetting mil, she's not worried about upsetting you.
Upsetting DP, he's not worried about upsetting you.
Rocking the boat and ruining your relationship with DP, I'd say from your POV that's already ruined as he's not supporting you at your most vulnerable time.
I've read some batshit mil stuff on here but yours takes the biscuit.
Put your foot down with "D"P.
*Your DM is not staying here for three months & neither is her df.

• Your DM is not coming to the hospital when I go into labour, if she tries to I'll instruct the midwife not to let her in. *My birthing plan with my df is non negotiable. *Either you support me or you move out or I will, your choice. Tbh op I think I'd seriously have a rethink of your relationship, he doesn't have your back, he doesn't have your best interests at heart, he's Team DM. This won't end here, he's spineless, bollocks to "culture" he's frightened of his dm.

No no no to them staying before baby is here. It doesn't sound like you are prepared to stand up to your dp on this so have a word with your midwife who can explain it to him in medical terms.

Feeling stressed and on edge can affect labour progressing. You are not a zoo attraction to be gawped at, you need to be feeling as relaxed and comfy as possible and that's not going to happen if you have two people you aren't comfy with in your immediate space. Would he feel OK pushing a melon out his arse with your mum and her mate watching his every move? No. If he still doesn't grasp it then you absolutely have to move out (or get him to) until baby is here. Baby's wellbeing comes before his mother's.

If you don't want them at the hospital all you need to do is have a discreet word with the midwife.

Afterwards, it's less easy to get them to bugger off unless you find your voice. So make sure they are taking care of you (and not just baby when they need a cuddle!!!), and if not, ask why on earth they came to stay and intrude on such a special time if not to make it easier.

No no no NO! They can get a hotel and MIL can visit at certain hours of the day. She can come and stay once baby is a bit bigger and you’re more comfortable. I spent those first few weeks just wearing granny pants, boobs out establishing breastfeeding and sleeping when I could. People came to visit for an hour or two here and there. No way would I have had anyone staying with us, let alone someone you barely know. Your DH needs to stand up FOR you. DO NOT do any hosting. That’s all on him. You stay cosied up in your room with baby the majority of the time. So extremely entitled and overbearing of them all (I understand there are different cultures and norms at play here but they should still respect your feelings and wishes).

Don't lift a finger to "look after" these invaders. Work on the premise that they are here to look after you otherwise why the fuck would they think of coming in the first place. Sit on thr sofa, put your feet up and ask what the plan for dinner is.

It's ultimatum time. He either prioritises you (and your new baby) or mummy dearest.

I'm so sorry you have this avoidable stress at what should be a lovely time.

We have a small 2 bed and it seemed claustrophobic and small in the baby years with all the baby equipment and that was without guests. Where's the pram, cot, bouncy chair, moses basket etc going to go? Even one guest for one night seems unreasonable to me at this time unless you have a bigger house.

I can remember hanging around the house in only my giant knickers with massive pads in, bra less, and uncomfortable in a heat wave while trying to get to grips with feeding our baby. I would have felt pressured to get properly dressed and presentable had there been a guest.

I echo others who say go to your family.

I think you are just going to have to bypass dp, tell the nurse at hospital not to let her in, when you get home lock yourself in your bedroom and enjoy baby. I’m sorry it shouldn’t have to be like this, dp needs to stand up and look after his family but if he won’t just lock yourself away. Let him look after them, I would be incandescent with rage

For those saying get her to stay in a hotel, I don't think this will solve the problem. Had a similar issue with my MIL arriving with another female relative of DPs (who I didnt know that well) after I gave birth. After a bit of a rumpus when I said I didn't want them to stay with us, it was reluctantly agreed they would stay in a nearby hotel.

First morning they turned up at 8am, I'm sitting in living room, both boobs out and half dressed, airing my C section scar when they appear at the window waving in at me 😳. Then proceeded to stay until 11pm that night. Same pattern for rest of trip, expecting all meals etc. I learnt my lesson after Day 1 not to come downstairs until I was semi- presentable. That visit really impacted breastfeeding though as I was finding it difficult and getting very self conscious about doing it in front of them but THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE!

I agree with this.
Particularly that actions speak louder than words.

You need action as he ismt listening to your words

Dear OP, your DP’s behaviour is shocking. If he can’t respect you, and you can’t use your voice, use your feet. Bugger off to your mum’s.

The first month or so after birth are very strange and very difficult. Bleeding, pain, emotions all over the place. I personally had sore nipples to the point that I had to live totally topless for two weeks.

There is just NO world, no universe, no culture where this plan is OK.

Honestly, you’ll feel so proud of yourself if you can do this - show them who it is who’s having a baby.