MIL coming to stay with added extra

He is always going to put her first. Above you and above this and any other children.

Have a proper conversation with him about what things are like after a birth. Potentially midwife comito check stitches, if you are breastfeeding then cluster feeding and boobs out, difficulty moving. Do you really want to be relegated to the bedroom while they take over the house telling you what to do with your baby that may go against your instincts. Post birth is an incredibly emotional time with hormones all over the place and massive changes to your life. If he can't understand this and still says what mama wants goes, then you will know whether that is something you accept or go.

Op, you have to start saying no now. Take it from someone who knows, you will end up very bitter and resentful if you don't put a stop to this now.

So your DP won’t stand up for what you want so you need to pull up those big girl pants and tell MIL what you want and don’t want. I wouldn’t be having any guests staying after just giving birth but if you don’t tell her she can’t come she obviously will be coming to stay so I would be making sure she had a return ticket booked for 2 weeks (max) time. 3 months is far to long. Your family need to stop being pathetic and worrying it makes them feel second best, this isn’t about them it’s about you and that should be their concern! I also would just drop in conversation to MIL that your friend is a birthing partner so you will have 2 people accompanying you so she will have to wait at home, hospital rules. Your DP sounds like a push over with his mum so if he offers to stay home so MIL can go with you whilst in labour I’d very quickly shut that down or have another friends name lined up so there’s no chance of her jumping in and tell the hospital you want no visitors allowing in

List your guest bed for sale on facebook marketplace. Buy a sofa bed (preferably put it in the living room) - the kind that’s fine for a few nights but not comfortable enough to sleep on long term and would be quite cosy for two people who aren’t in a relationship to share! Then fill the room with baby stuff - baby cot, baby wardrobe, a comfy chair for feeding the baby, the works! It is no longer a guest room, it’s the babies room! Arrange for people to come and remove furniture when your partner isn’t home. Make it very clear that it’s your babies room!

Do you have parents? If so, go there and stay until the baby is three months old.
Mother in law arriving when you don't actually want her is unacceptable. Bringing a friend is inviting nuclear war.
Let her have it.

Very easy to say you should be more forceful but op clearly can't, don't you read the posts . He's a dead end at every conversation. The man is selfish and only cares for his mums feelings. He's the issue, how forceful does someone need to be when they are pregnant as well

Please go and stay with your family prior to the birth and immediately after, she and your partner are going to be a nightmare, you will get no say in your baby or even get to hold the baby, get out now whilst you can!

Please don't subject yourself to this. The last few weeks of pregnancy are bad enough followed by labour and the reward is the time after this when you and your partner get used to being parents. Absolutely no to the friend.

Have you heard of the 4th trimester OP? Please put yourself first.

Oh yes ops partner sounds very much like he's going to be the host.. he's obviously very supportive of his partner from what I read 😒

Yes, this.

@Babycatsmummy Your "partner" doesn't want to upset Mummy dearest by saying her friend can't stay. Surely he'd rather tell her that himself than have you tell MIL and friend that they are not welcome when they arrive on the doorstep after a flight from Italy.

Or have them arrive to find you not there because you've gone to stay with your family or a friend who actually respects you.

Yeah I'd pack up and go to my parents. Absolutely unacceptable.

I also think you should go & stay with your family. Your MIL is not going to respect your needs and your dh is clearly not willing to stand up to her. Time to assert yourself now or have years of this.

Yes, we have a spare room and we still use it all the time, and our baby is a year old. We have spent much of the last year with the baby in the spare room and the two of us taking turns to sleep in there with her so at least one of us can get some sleep.

Even my parents know that if they want to stay longer than a week they get an Airbnb.

This is outrageous. I'm angry on your behalf OP, this is a complete overstep.

You said that MIL and friend are arriving imminently. You don't have to be polite. Your DH might not want to tell his mother that she/guest are not welcome, but there's nothing stopping you. I'd message MIL now before she comes, but frankly if it came to it I'd be telling the uninvited guest on arrival that sorry there's been a misunderstanding and it's not possible for her to stay, here's a local hotel number etc. You are not being rude - they are, massively, massively rude.

You have been more accommodating of your DP's "culture" than most would be. Having a total stranger to stay at this time is unthinkable, and I don't see how your relationship can come out unscathed if your DP doesn't back you on this. Does he realise he is risking your relationship?

Then your dp can clear his thoughts and priorities. Enjoy mil without you and baby or put you first.

He's not even going to be there because he's not good with medical stuff when usually having a baby isn't medical anyway!

Also if op is struggling to stand up for what she wants before mil arrives how can she do it after?

Maybe choose the path of least resistance and go. Move out.

She doesn't want her MIL in her space. How is this difficult to understand?

You don't invite yourself to stay at someone's house whether you think they need help or not.

You especially don't invite yourself and a friend to stay at someone's house.

You especially don't do this when that someone is having a baby.

Your DP and his mum are being rude AF. Not acceptable at all and really not a good sign at this time in your lives he's taking his mum side. MIL shouldn't even be there when you're heavily pregnant if you don't want her their, let alone a stranger. You shouldn't have to leave but do you have somewhere else you can stay? Not what you need but if you don't push back against this they're going to continue pulling this shit.

@PerfectTravelTote 🤣🤣

Op I doesn't want looking after, she doesn't want mil, she doesn't want bf she doesn't want accompany to the hospital and she's not wanting anyone in her space.

Chill.

The friend is only going to be there for a few days. Mil, presumably, is coming to help. You don't need to look after anyone. She is coming to look after you.

All these people saying leave it to him to host. Most Italian Mums I know would take over and do everything and the sons will happily let them, so it won’t be a chore for him, in fact he’d enjoy it.

The only way is to say no and if they still come go elsewhere.

I thought it was bad enough having FIL descend on us 2 weeks PP for 2 weeks after baby 1 then both mil & fil again 2 weeks pp after baby number 2. And we had a big house, I couldn’t imagine 4 adults 2 dominating women and a new baby in a 2 bed flat.

Definitely seek sanctuary elsewhere.

It sounds like in this situation you just have to say no, no expectations or anything, flat no...

Any issues will also clearly be your fault.

I’ve got an Italian husband. Luckily I gave birth in the UK, and DH family visited a couple of weeks later.

In Italy, as soon as the woman goes into hospital it’s quite normal for the whole family to head over and wait with her. You’ll often see either the mother, or MIL, sitting in the room with the new mother. Partly because there’s a lack of after care (at least down our way) so the family will bring food in and help. The babies aren’t roomed in either, but just brought to the mother for feeding.

I can distinctly remember my MIL trying to ‘help’ me breastfeed and my cringing away from her in horror!

In short, if your DP insists on her coming, and is such a mammone that he won’t stand up to her, you’d be better moving to your family for the duration. You shouldn’t have to, but I think it’ll be better for your mental health. Bear in mind you will have years of this to come.

Op id be very temped to move to my family. Is this an option?

This is appalling and would be totally non negotiable in my eyes.

Even with the kindest most sensitive mil in the world your partner is putting two women and a baby crushed together for months at the most difficult time for a new mum..

You need time alone to bond and do things you want too and relax it's not good enough.

Either say no, or move out.