Page 13 | MIL coming to stay with added extra

Babycatsmummy · 2024-04-26T18:12:55+00:00

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby. In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently. I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me. I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused. I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair! Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

PlantLight · 28/04/2024 11:39

Huge well done for deciding to move to your birthing partners house. You need your own space and quiet and bedroom. Who the fuck watches over a pregnant woman making the bed and tellls her she’s doing it wrong?

So your DH was abandoned by his mother as a child and is now got some serious issues trying to hold onto her. This will only get worse.

Start making a list of everything to pack and go to your friends house. You need to be there before his mother arrives. Your friend is lovely your husband is a total dick

Littlestminnow · 28/04/2024 10:36

He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me.

OP, this is borderline abusive, given you've been dealing with a difficult pregnancy. Please do move out, and when you're in a better space think about what this attitude means for you and your relationship going forward.

Newestname002 · 28/04/2024 10:26

Thatnameistaken · 28/04/2024 07:19

Thank goodness your birthing partner can have you and the baby at hers, start moving the stuff you need there now.
You know that even if Mil and friend did start off at a relative's house your husband would either insist she moved in or they would be in your home every waking hour anyway.
The only way your boundaries will be upheld is to be at your friend's, she has your back, your H doesn't, he's not considering you and the baby at all.

All of this. 🌹

Fraaahnces · 28/04/2024 10:22

@Babycatsmummy - just letting you know that my DH seems to need his mummy to be the saintly one in any disagreement between her and me. This has turned into him somehow finding justification for her calling our DD1 a “slut” because she bought eyeshadow with her pocket money aged 11 and sent our DT’s divisive cards with $50 for DD2 and $5.00 for DS with the most repulsive sentiments for their 10th bday, yet she always has her reasons for unspeakably bad/nasty and downright cruel behaviour. Also trying to jam her homophobic, racist and other bigoted views onto our kids. After 20 years together, it’s fucking intolerable. All three of the kids hate her and I have never had to say a thing to them. I have been advised that she is visiting (SIL and I very close - mutual enemy) and the kids (all 18+ now) and I are going to have a “spontaneous” road trip. I find it difficult to tolerate my DH’s attitude and find this side of him unattractive and impossible to respect.

alrightluv · 28/04/2024 10:09

@amiahoarder this mil doesn't sound very maternal from reading all of OP'S posts. She sounds very controlling. The dms and dmils you have seen are most likely a different story.

amiahoarder · 28/04/2024 07:36

I've worked in a job that involved home visits in the early newborn days in a multicultural city. Many many cultures have either the maternal or paternal grandmother to stay once the baby is born. This is to help the mother while she focuses on recovery and feeding, occasionally there would be conflict over care of baby or feeding. So it is the norm in these cultures. It's not the norm for the UK. I've never heard of a friend staying too though. You do what's best for you.

Haydenn · 28/04/2024 07:28

Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 11:04

Thank you again for all of your comments, it really does mean a lot.

Normally I am quite an opinionated person and will put my foot down if I don't agree with something. With this though, I've felt like I'm loosing the battle from the start. He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me. My fuse blew at this point and I said I won't be here when you get back from the airport and nor will any of the baby things as I'm not being made to feel so shit about having unwanted guests when I'm feeling so emotional as it is. My family have totally respected my wishes and have been so supportive. I don't speak to my own mother and was raised by my grandparents and my Dad. My other birthing partner who I see as a mum/sister type figure has told me I'm very welcome to her house for the foreseeable as she has 3 spare rooms and lives on her own since her DH passed away.

I think my DP thinks I'm trying to call his bluff, I said the only way I'm staying is if your mum stays with her cousin who's she close too ( basically MIl came over here after the breakdown of her marriage and left my DP in Italy with other family to be raised, he came when he was in his 30's then she recently retired back to Italy) and she has plenty of family in the area she could go to. Her best friend also has family here she could stay with.

I've pointed out right now I'm absolutely petrified, it's my first baby and I've been high risk all throughout my pregnancy and I managed to work up until I was 36 weeks so now I'm just trying to relax, get my head around the huge change that's coming and enjoy the baby. He said he's scared too which I totally appreciate and understand but told him he can't rely on his mum to take on his role, he wanted this just as much as I did so he needs to step up a bit and get a grip.

As of this moment in time, I'm 110% going to my birthing partners house as I can feel myself slightly going down in my mood and I don't want. Being couped up in the bedroom isn't something I wanted and nor do I want MIL and her friend using my house as their own, especially since DP wouldn't even book any leave from work to look after them. She is a genuine nightmare and for example, if I make the beds and do general domestic chores she'll watch over me and then "correct" what I've done like it's not good enough. She does walk into the bedroom uninvited and I've asked her many times not to but she doesn't want to listen.

It’s not about not being opinionated, sometimes you know you have bigger things to focus on- and for you right now that is your health and your baby - not having to row about an overbearing MiL and Shiite partner.

Your birthing partner sounds like the kind of best friend everyone ought to have. Go and stay with her and don’t give this anymore headspace for now.

good luck 💐💐

Thatnameistaken · 28/04/2024 07:19

Thank goodness your birthing partner can have you and the baby at hers, start moving the stuff you need there now.
You know that even if Mil and friend did start off at a relative's house your husband would either insist she moved in or they would be in your home every waking hour anyway.
The only way your boundaries will be upheld is to be at your friend's, she has your back, your H doesn't, he's not considering you and the baby at all.

Genevieva · 28/04/2024 07:07

You need to tell your MiL that friend will have to stay with her own relatives. You need to stand up for yourself, tell them there are cultural differences and they will have to accept them in your home as you do in theirs.

CosmosQueen · 28/04/2024 07:03

Iaskedyouthrice · 27/04/2024 18:46

@Babycatsmummy for the good of your mental health before and after the birth, please make arrangements to go stay with your amazing friend where you will have peace and quiet.
If you stay at home with your DH, MIL and her best friend, you will regret it and you do not need the stress.
Lean on your friend and family, your DH has told you his mother comes first, he will continue to override your wishes and preferences and I can guarantee, if you are at home when you go in to labour, it will be your MIL joining you in the delivery room, not your friend. You may be in too much pain to voice your own needs and you cannot trust your DH to do the right thing.
Please arrange to go to your friends and stay for the duration of MILS visit. You NEED to set those boundaries now.

Not a DH thankfully….

CosmosQueen · 28/04/2024 07:02

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 18:10

Even if it were her daughter giving birth she wouldn't be entitled to behave like this.

Show quote history

My DIL is Italian and her parents definitely didn’t behave like your partner’s mother when she had a baby. They did come over to Scotland but they stayed in a hotel and were respectful of DS and DDIL’s wishes.
Your DP is so far out of order I can’t believe how he’s behaving. I definitely would move out, let him have mummy to look after him and you make plans for a future with your beautiful baby when it arrives without this ridiculous immature idiot.

Thursdaygirl · 28/04/2024 00:24

Fraaahnces · 27/04/2024 22:58

You know he’s not going to say anything to risk offending his mummy, right? I’d start packing.

I’m wondering if MIL and friend will work out the connection between their arrival and your departure?

Inertia · 28/04/2024 00:03

This would be a relationship breaker for me. Your partner won’t put you and your baby first now, while you are at your most vulnerable- you’ve got a lifetime of this.

I would absolutely go and stay with your birth partner friend.

I would also be registering the birth alone so that your partner doesn’t get automatic PR, and giving the baby my surname.

Fraaahnces · 27/04/2024 22:58

You know he’s not going to say anything to risk offending his mummy, right? I’d start packing.

MsCactus · 27/04/2024 19:22

Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 11:04

Thank you again for all of your comments, it really does mean a lot.

Normally I am quite an opinionated person and will put my foot down if I don't agree with something. With this though, I've felt like I'm loosing the battle from the start. He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me. My fuse blew at this point and I said I won't be here when you get back from the airport and nor will any of the baby things as I'm not being made to feel so shit about having unwanted guests when I'm feeling so emotional as it is. My family have totally respected my wishes and have been so supportive. I don't speak to my own mother and was raised by my grandparents and my Dad. My other birthing partner who I see as a mum/sister type figure has told me I'm very welcome to her house for the foreseeable as she has 3 spare rooms and lives on her own since her DH passed away.

I think my DP thinks I'm trying to call his bluff, I said the only way I'm staying is if your mum stays with her cousin who's she close too ( basically MIl came over here after the breakdown of her marriage and left my DP in Italy with other family to be raised, he came when he was in his 30's then she recently retired back to Italy) and she has plenty of family in the area she could go to. Her best friend also has family here she could stay with.

I've pointed out right now I'm absolutely petrified, it's my first baby and I've been high risk all throughout my pregnancy and I managed to work up until I was 36 weeks so now I'm just trying to relax, get my head around the huge change that's coming and enjoy the baby. He said he's scared too which I totally appreciate and understand but told him he can't rely on his mum to take on his role, he wanted this just as much as I did so he needs to step up a bit and get a grip.

As of this moment in time, I'm 110% going to my birthing partners house as I can feel myself slightly going down in my mood and I don't want. Being couped up in the bedroom isn't something I wanted and nor do I want MIL and her friend using my house as their own, especially since DP wouldn't even book any leave from work to look after them. She is a genuine nightmare and for example, if I make the beds and do general domestic chores she'll watch over me and then "correct" what I've done like it's not good enough. She does walk into the bedroom uninvited and I've asked her many times not to but she doesn't want to listen.

Well done OP.

Please don't back down. This is so, so important for your future mental health.

Postpartum is a difficult time and I STILL regret the week when my baby was 7 weeks old, my MIL came to stay and basically snatched my baby off me - called herself "mum" to the baby and made me go in other rooms during most of the baby - tried to take the baby out and away from me

Never again. It hurt me so much being away for my baby for a lot of that week. It sounds ott but you're so bonded with your baby at that time, I don't think I've ever get over the upset it caused me.

You absolutely need to go to your friend's. My situation was only a week - but I think you'll regret it your whole life if you let your MIL stay with you during your first baby being postpartum.

It'll be much harder to stand up to her postpartum also, because you'll be sleep deprived, filled with hormones and recovering from the birth.

Go to your birth partner's house and relax. Let your DP deal with the fallout.

How ridiculous that your MIL thinks she can come over without your consent AND BRING HER FRIEND. Some people are insane.

Sending love, hang in there x

ciaopizza · 27/04/2024 19:09

Sorry for you OP, how awful.

My DP's Italian and, whilst his relationship with his mum is not as enmeshed as yours, he definitely finds it hard to say no to her and seems to be programmed to consider his mum's needs first. We've had many arguments about this and the only answer is to put your foot down and put yourself first, because no one else will. You'll be told how unreasonable, difficult you and how much you're overreacting, but it's all just bullshit because they don't want to say no to mamma.
It's likely you will also have to fight for your child's needs to come before mamma too so prepare yourself for that fight too.

Iaskedyouthrice · 27/04/2024 18:46

@Babycatsmummy for the good of your mental health before and after the birth, please make arrangements to go stay with your amazing friend where you will have peace and quiet.
If you stay at home with your DH, MIL and her best friend, you will regret it and you do not need the stress.
Lean on your friend and family, your DH has told you his mother comes first, he will continue to override your wishes and preferences and I can guarantee, if you are at home when you go in to labour, it will be your MIL joining you in the delivery room, not your friend. You may be in too much pain to voice your own needs and you cannot trust your DH to do the right thing.
Please arrange to go to your friends and stay for the duration of MILS visit. You NEED to set those boundaries now.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 18:25

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I agree, tho some ' mums to be ' do like / ask their mums to be with them.

love your username btw.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 18:10

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 17:46

Who owns the property that you both live in, as I gather you are not married.

MIl seems to think it is her daughter that is having this baby, it isn't !
no way on this earth would I have had this relative coming to the hospital with me.

Dp needs to grow up - fast !

Even if it were her daughter giving birth she wouldn't be entitled to behave like this.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 17:46

Who owns the property that you both live in, as I gather you are not married.

MIl seems to think it is her daughter that is having this baby, it isn't !
no way on this earth would I have had this relative coming to the hospital with me.

Dp needs to grow up - fast !

Newestname002 · 27/04/2024 16:07

@Natty13

Would you have married him if his wedding vow had been "forsaking all others - apart from my mum"?

One small light in all this, is that OP doesn't seem to have married this negligent fool as she refers to him as "DP" several times - unless I've missed a "DH" somewhere- entirely possible. So whilst things are bad enough now, at least she doesn't have to worry about having to organise a legal divorce on top of everything else. 🌹

gamerchick · 27/04/2024 14:44

I'm glad you've got somewhere to go OP. I understand he's so desperate for his mother approval it's probably driving his behaviour. However that's something to unpick in therapy.

You need calmness before the arrival of your baby. Good luck.

Natty13 · 27/04/2024 14:38

His mum is his real wife in any sense of the word. By his own admission she will always be his #1. He got you pregnant to give her a baby and mark my words will be fully parenting with her, not you. You're basically an incubator for their baby.

Sorry if this sounds harsh and hard to read. The fact of the matter is that men like this are never going to love their wives properly. Would you have married him if his wedding vow had been "forsaking all others - apart from my mum"?

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 14:26

LAMPS1 · 27/04/2024 14:04

I’m glad to hear you have somewhere to go OP.

Is it a permanent solution if your marriage breaks down?
However I do think you should do all you can to stop this madness, before you move out.

You shouldn’t have to leave your own home especially at this time. And leaving could lead to other problems down the line depending on who owns the flat. You don’t want to find yourself homeless or with huge utility bills to pay for your flat that MIL and her guest have charged up.
You surely can’t be paying rent/mortgage on two places. What if MIL moves in permanently and your DH then wants custody. You don’t need future battles if you can avoid them so think ahead as much as you can. Take legal advice if you have to.

Please try to summon the courage to confront MIL yourself instead of going through your DH.
Do it asap.
Tell her exactly what you do want and what you don’t want with regards to her help with the baby. And that you aren’t prepared to compromise any further. Follow it up with an email or text.
Tell her if she doesn’t agree to the terms of your invitation for her to your home then the invitation to stay in your home is withdrawn altogether. Tell her that her uninvited guest isn’t welcome to stay at your home at all.

Do everything you can to stay in your own home, under your own terms, for as long as you can.
Good luck OP. Sadly, your DH has put you in a very tricky situation here and you need to use all your strength to stand up for yourself.

I hope he backs down once he realises you are deadly serious.

Moving out would show she is serious. He thinks she’s just blustering and will knuckle under and make herself miserable and stressed and hurt her health and her ability to focus on her baby because it will make his life easier and suit his mum, and it’s more important his mum is happy than his pregnant wife. Moving out will show him he doesn’t get both, and needs to choose .

WickedSerious · 27/04/2024 14:18

PerfectTravelTote · 27/04/2024 08:58

Chill.

The friend is only going to be there for a few days. Mil, presumably, is coming to help. You don't need to look after anyone. She is coming to look after you.

'Chill'?

Right,because nothing says relaxation like a couple of unwanted,cheeky fucker house guests.