For enjoying a glass of wine again

It might be that you need to leave your relationship, if you are unhappy. It will not be fixed by being able to have a glass of wine on holiday.
I do think that it is reasonable of your DH to say please don't drink alcohol in front of me because it is triggering. When you got together and for many many years that was the status quo.

Four glasses of wine over a week and maybe a bottle when out sounds like quite a lot for someone who was sober until recently.

Drinking escalates very quickly when you have a problematic relationship with alcohol.

I think your husband is afraid, not only for his sobriety, but for yours too.

I think it's perfectly fair for him to ask you not to drink when you're on holiday with him. I think it's perfectly fair for him to ask you not to drink at all, tbh.

Maybe you value having a drink with your friends and family more than the quiet life you had. If so, I would be concerned that it's not just an excuse to keep drinking, but maybe you've just grown apart.

What you've said in your last message doesn't tally with your first message so you must see why people are confused.

So you have 4 glasses a week and a bottle when out, and your dh is obsessed with monitoring your alcohol.

But, you never go out, don't drink in the house, haven't had alcohol for weeks, so what's he monitoring?

I don't think this is fixable to be honest. It sounds like you're not compatible really and I think if he's recognised you drinking as a risk to his sobriety then he's right to avoid that at all costs. You don't need to stay though if your marriage is making you unhappy.

"I’m realising after all these years I’ve sacrificed lots of who I am, he has stopped the visitors, the nights out with family, way before I had a drink again, this is what has made me
lonely and sad, "

This is more worrying. Why has he stopped the visitors and nights out with family? This sounds very controlling and I am not surprised this has made you lonely and sad.

I have chronic health issues and completely understand how hard it is to pick up "lost" relationships with friends and family when you become distanced and that alcohol can be a but if crutch to make this easier but with your background I would be very careful about starting life that road.

I think there are multiple issues here which complicates things:

• your DH isolating you
• your DH doing his socialising with others outside the home, thereby further isolating you
• your loss and need to reestablish relationships
• your alcohol use.

Personally I would try to look at 1 and 2 first. Why is this happening, can it be changed, do you need to leave him?

Then consider 3 & 4, but taking up alcohol seems like a patch or crutch to cover up the loneliness and sadness caused by 1 & 2. And drinking because you are lonely and sad is never a good idea.

I think you came here looking for this:

"You're not an alcoholic, your DH is being ridiculous, of course you should be able to drink as and when you want and we totally understand that you can't possibly be happy without alcohol, so go on - crack open that bottle!"

But instead you are getting lots of people, many very experienced in this area, warning you that what is happening is that you have awakened your addiction again by drinking, and it's desperate to be fed, which is driving you to believe that life without alcohol is shit. Which we all know is simply not true.

If you really think you're "cured" (and for the record, I don't believe addiction can be cured, only managed), then it won't hurt to go and speak to a trained addiction counsellor and get their take on it, will it?

Come back and let us know what they say (when they say exactly the same as the rest of us). Or don't, and come back in 18 months when you're back to a bottle of vodka a day and have lost everything.

Honestly, I really, really hope you get some help, I know how hard it is to be in recovery and the thought of starting over is miserable, but nowhere near as miserable as being an active alcoholic again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It seems a bit of a red flag to me that you feel your social life has improved because of drinking.

4x a week seems like a problem for an alcoholic.

If your husband is controlling and limits your social life, happiness and doesn't fulfil your emotional needs, those are reasons to leave him.

But not a licence to drink.

That alcohol has such a transformative power for you, just really says you have an alcohol problem.

You should be able to socialise and have fun without a drink in your hand.

It sounds very much like you have a problem to be honest, you are looking for any justification to pacify your drinking. I think what your husband has said is fair, given he has been sober for 30 years and you know he's a violent drunk. I think you are an alcoholic, and I think you will find yourself drinking more and more. Your DH is entitled to protect himself from the risks you're putting in front of him.

I am in a similar situation OP. However I am the person in recovery and my DH continues to drink alcohol. I believe that he is an alcoholic, he doesn’t. I have set boundaries in place regarding my DDs - he is not their biological Father - however he resents being restricted in any way. We do not live together so he is able to drink alcohol in his own space/time however it has become an issue. He perceives this as my prioritising my children’s wishes over his choices. Being in recovery is hard. If you worked your twelve steps when you were sober yourself, you will know that it’s said that anything placed before sobriety will be lost. If it’s a straight choice between alcohol and your DH, will you choose alcohol? I think my DH might …

So what you are looking for here is for other people to rationalise it for you and to tell you your husband is wrong?

But plenty can't and it's back to square 1.

And only you really know if you have a problem or not I guess...

Addicts are pretty well-known for minimisation and denial.

I don’t like being around my close loved ones when they’ve been drinking, it changes them and I don’t like it. It’s a boundary for me and I need people to respect it. Your husband should be entitled to his boundaries around alcohol too. I agree with PPs you should negotiate your boundaries with him. For example, if you’ve been drinking you respect that he doesn’t spend time with you, you stay in separate rooms. And you don’t bring alcohol into the house.

I can see both sides, altho am leaning more towards DH on this one sorry 😬
Hes right that you've changed the goalposts and ina way that really threatens something hes worked so hard for (30yrs is an incredible amount of time for an alcoholic!).

And only you really know if you have a problem or not I guess...

If he agreed to you only having a drink ourside the home occasionally could you stick to that? Would it make you go out more often just so you could have a drink?

Isn't the problem already identified?

If you need the odd glass of wine not to feel sad and lonely then the problem is much deeper than him just not liking you drinking. You need to identify the real problem and address that.

Gently, but I think it is your problem as well. You and drink have history. You went to AA. You were in recovery. Now your language has red flags. You were not after all 'a real alcoholic' like him, apparantly. You use 'enjoy your life' as a euphemism for drinking, and speak as though drinking is a prequesisit for enjoyment. You are even considering putting 'a few drinks' ahead of continuing to be married. Please be careful OP. Because your DH is right, sobriety is everything.

Sex is better
Socialising is better
Conversations are better

Alcohol really shouldn't change things that much OP, I can see why he's worried.

Could be a slippery slope until you're drinking because 'everything' seems better.

Don't you think it's incredibly worrying that alcohol means so much to you socially and emotionally?

Seems to me that the alcoholic isn't just him and you're fooling yourself so you can relapse.

I suppose it all comes down to who / what you love more - your husband or wine?

Plenty of alcoholics are able to do that

The fact that alcohol has given a new meaning to your life and has made you happier says a lot. You need to decide whether going down that path again is worth it. From what your husband says you are likely to lose him over this - you are the only one who can decide if you are ok with this. I would advise you to look for the real reasons you are unhappy and work on those rather than using drinking as some sort of solution to your unhappiness. It has not worked in the past for you and it will not work now.

You say you are feeling sad and lonely.

You might feel bored that there is no socialising at home any more.

You might feel neglected that your husband is out at AA a lot, helping other people - when you are feeling sad and lonely.

So you've started drinking again. Your old coping mechanism.

By drinking alcohol you have blown off the old neural pathways and revived your addiction.

This voice - this part of you who wants to drink and is asking us to give you permission - is the addicted part of you.

You'll do whatever you're going to do but my strongest feeling is that you and your husband need to address the problems in your marriage that cause you to feel sad and lonely. The drinking is a symptom of your being sad and lonely - but unless you stop it will NOT end here. You are risking your marriage and, as someone who has previously experienced issues with alcohol, your mental and physical health.

I am sending you love and good wishes and would strongly encourage you to get yourselves in front of a good relationships counsellor to work this through.

If you find it hard to stop again Soberistas is a fantastic resource.