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Original poster

Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

321 replies

notedbiscuits · 26/04/2024 12:42

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 26/04/2024 17:11

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

That's just deliberately nasty. What this woman has done is misguided at worst.

Tahinii · 26/04/2024 17:10

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

It is malicious and creepy.

Whaleway · 26/04/2024 17:10

So the problem is that you don't like her, so you're choosing to be annoyed or assuming ill intent.

There's nothing wrong with saying time heals old wounds. It's a perfectly fine phrase and most definitely helped me to have an optimistic outlook.

I don't particularly want to hear that it's going to be painful forever.

category12 · 26/04/2024 17:09

godmum56 · 26/04/2024 17:07

that's nasty, could be classed as harrassment

Show quote history

Absolutely.

Can't believe someone is suggesting harassing a 73 yr old woman.

TheseWomen · 26/04/2024 17:09

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

What an absolutely bizarre post, and completely disproportionate to anything this woman appears to have done.

godmum56 · 26/04/2024 17:07

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

that's nasty, could be classed as harrassment

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/04/2024 17:02

notedbiscuits · 26/04/2024 15:23

The card is now shredded. What she wrote was something on the lines of “time heals old wounds” and you will get over this.

My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore as twice she went to them and didn’t talk to the person in question’s do at all - not even a hello or goodbye. That’s insulting

I have had a loss of losses in my life and I have no idea why you'd find her comment inappropriate. I wouldn't be insulted by that at all. She's right, tjme does heal. I think you just don't like her and are looking for an excuse to be angry with her. It's fine not to like somebody but to pin it on a completely appropriate comment in a card that was meant with kindness is a bit off tbh.

TheValueOfEverything · 26/04/2024 17:01

Some of the responses on here are horrible.

What happened to good faith in people's best intentions?

Feels like people increasingly default to find offence and break social links when they're not doing any harm.

Iwasafool · 26/04/2024 16:56

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

That is horrible. Poor woman told not to attend events and then people being malicious because that is malicious.

StarlightLime · 26/04/2024 16:56

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

Edited

Wtf? This woman hasn't done anything wrong.

You sound a bit batty, tbh.

category12 · 26/04/2024 16:55

"Time heals all wounds" isn't a great thing to say to the recently bereaved, but it's not out of line and unlikely to be ill-intentioned.

It's like someone saying something about God's will or whatever, which can be frustrating/upsetting to hear if you're not into that sort of thing. It's just a bit of cliché.

Your post made it sound like she was saying something terrible like "I will dance on their grave laughing".

Iwasafool · 26/04/2024 16:55

FinkleFlint · 26/04/2024 16:30

Ah right. I dunno, it sounds like it’s not out of random meanness but because she’s turning up, eating the food and not actually saying hello the the person whose birthday / retirement / leaving party it is. It’s not the point of the OP so presumably OP could go into more detail if it was relevant

If you’re rude people won’t want to invite you to things. That’s just life

Show quote history

I thought it was normal for the host/hostess to welcome people not the other way round. Well nothing wrong with going up and saying hello but it is on the host/hostess not the guest.

StarlightLime · 26/04/2024 16:55

notedbiscuits · 26/04/2024 15:23

The card is now shredded. What she wrote was something on the lines of “time heals old wounds” and you will get over this.

My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore as twice she went to them and didn’t talk to the person in question’s do at all - not even a hello or goodbye. That’s insulting

How is that inappropriate or upsetting?

Amx · 26/04/2024 16:52

Bog standard comment. I think you just don't like her.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/04/2024 16:52

I'm sorry for your loss @notedbiscuits .

If you have her postal address, I would start sending her a card a month or a fortnight. First few would be funny cards like "Best of luck with your Driving Test" and "On your 16th/18th/21st Birthday"
Next would be "Good luck with your retirement"
Next would be "Sorry you're under the weather"
and so on.

Card factory is great for cheap greetings cards.

Leave the inside with whatever message comes printed on the card.

Then sign off "A friend".

Post them from random post boxes in your area.

The key thing here is to have a bit of fun at her expense. All you're doing is sending her cards. Not being malicious in any way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/04/2024 16:44

"I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things."

Why not? Someone should.

FinkleFlint · 26/04/2024 16:40

burnoutbabe · 26/04/2024 16:33

i assume at 73 this is an EX colleague? therefore probably not being bullied by not being invited to work stuff?

Thank you! Some of these comments are mad. You don’t have to stay in touch with an ex colleague forever if you don’t want to

LivelyBlake · 26/04/2024 16:33

TheValueOfEverything · 26/04/2024 16:25

My beloved, lovely, Aunt used to attend funerals at her church - especially those which had a very low turn-out, 10 or less mourners. As a committed and longstanding member of the church, she saw it as a Christian act. She would be very low-key, sit at the back, and certainly wouldn't have made a fuss or spoken to the main mourners. I think just thought her mere presence in the building meant something to the church community, and made sense for her faith. This is in England, BTW.

I have the same experience with older people who are religious and believe in praying for the deceased at funerals even if they didn't know them. It happens a lot in small villages and no-one thinks they are intruding or being disrespectful.

burnoutbabe · 26/04/2024 16:33

i assume at 73 this is an EX colleague? therefore probably not being bullied by not being invited to work stuff?

Crysti · 26/04/2024 16:31

My takeaway from this is that the OP just doesn’t like this lady. Her behaviour and the card are totally normal and the thread title is a little dramatic and misleading. I wasn’t expecting the lady to have sat at the back at a few funerals or sent a sympathy card saying time heals etc. Was near expecting her to have wrote something horrible about the deceased or danced on someone’s grave.

Maybe there’s more details or a big back story but from the OP has provided I’m not seeing what the issue is with this lady at all

godmum56 · 26/04/2024 16:31

TheValueOfEverything · 26/04/2024 16:25

My beloved, lovely, Aunt used to attend funerals at her church - especially those which had a very low turn-out, 10 or less mourners. As a committed and longstanding member of the church, she saw it as a Christian act. She would be very low-key, sit at the back, and certainly wouldn't have made a fuss or spoken to the main mourners. I think just thought her mere presence in the building meant something to the church community, and made sense for her faith. This is in England, BTW.

yes, I belive that some council employees who are involved with dealing with public health funerals do the same thing. Its not a part of their job, there is no expectation on them, they do it our of a sense of caring.

FinkleFlint · 26/04/2024 16:30

Jokl · 26/04/2024 16:24

OP said ‘My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore’

Show quote history

Ah right. I dunno, it sounds like it’s not out of random meanness but because she’s turning up, eating the food and not actually saying hello the the person whose birthday / retirement / leaving party it is. It’s not the point of the OP so presumably OP could go into more detail if it was relevant

If you’re rude people won’t want to invite you to things. That’s just life

TheValueOfEverything · 26/04/2024 16:25

My beloved, lovely, Aunt used to attend funerals at her church - especially those which had a very low turn-out, 10 or less mourners. As a committed and longstanding member of the church, she saw it as a Christian act. She would be very low-key, sit at the back, and certainly wouldn't have made a fuss or spoken to the main mourners. I think just thought her mere presence in the building meant something to the church community, and made sense for her faith. This is in England, BTW.

GoonieGang · 26/04/2024 16:25

FinkleFlint · 26/04/2024 16:02

It’s not irrelevant in the context of the posts Kreed was replying to

And the discussion wasn’t about whether it’s legal to go to any funeral you want to and neither introduce yourself nor offer condolences. It’s whether it would be considered polite / the norm, and how it’s likely to be received by the bereaved. It’s a question of etiquette, not legality.

Show quote history

To be fair, if the OP is in the UK then it’s quite normal for anyone to attend. It’s neither rude nor inappropriate.
The sympathy card was neither rude nor inappropriate. It’s a card, which has been binned anyway. I don’t see the issue with it.

coldcallerbaiter · 26/04/2024 16:24

Maybe the comments are heartfelt and she isn’t trying to upset you. It does depend also on who died too, if it is your child, or someone younger than you would expect to die that was extremely close - highly inappropriate. Your 90 plus grandparent, meh weird but hardly cutting.

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