To have taken DD’s side?

Read it again, OP did know more about the facts. OP said: "[DH] Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’."

He was goading his daughter with the repeated 'leave it' interjections without knowing anything about it.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Hindsight being 20/20 possibly shutting DH down or moving DD to another room quicker might have prevent escalation - but DH nor DD behaved well.

I also wouldn't have asked to discussed DH behavior but clearly stated his input was unhelpful and his behavior afterwards disgusting for an adult. Then when DD was calm talked about her poor behavior and then talked about friendship issue - let it go advice may not have been wrong advice just offered at wrong time in wrong way.

However I seem to have been playing referee for years between DH and DC - and learnt fairly quickly asking for back up from DH could often lead to worse outcomes and he could take as much manging as kids - though something must have sunk in because even with exam stress house is calm and behaviour from everyone generally good at moment and was last year with different kids doing GCSE and A-level exams and that despite some additional unnecessary stress form school for one child.

Regardless of who was right or wrong.

I can tell you two possibilities of how it plays out:

Possibility 1: your DD finds somewhere else to stay and stops overnight there frequently. My son had mh issues which my ExH chose to deal with by shouting at him. My son developed severe anxiety as a result of this. He got a girlfriend and basically moved in with her and her family. He'd come back every now and then, and as soon as ExH started shouting at him again he'd get scared and go off to girlfriends again for three weeks or so.

ExH would then be really anxious about him. How will my son cope in the real world? Why doesn't he want to live with us?

Sometimes my son would sleep in his car rather than come home to the risk of his dad shouting.

Strangely, since my son went to uni and spends much less time with his dad his mental health has improved massively and he is coping incredibly well with the real world. He got a first and has got a good job in London and lots of friends.

Possibility 2: it really escalates. My ExH also
used to shout at my DD. Usually for not clearing the dishwasher or other really really serious offences. At one point after I had gone to bed they had such a bad row that he hurt her really badly and she had bruises all down her arm.

She woke me up terrified. I callled the police and we left. She developed PTSD and had nightmares about him trying to kill her. She was on diazepam and anti anxiety drugs and saw a counsellor through college.

ExH was really worried about her. How will she cope in the real world? I only wanted to show her that she cannot behave like that in the real world.

She didn't speak to him for three years. She's still limited contact because she has panic attacks at the thought of meeting him. She only meets him in public places (so if he attacks her there are witnesses) and with people she knows to help her if he starts shouting.

She is just finishing a physics degree. She's coped fine in the real world because in the real world people don't get in your face and shout at you and they don't assault you.

This 100%.

I'm with him! My kids called me a prick, they wouldn't sit for a bloody week! He didn't say anything out of order to her to justify being called that. You say yourself it wasnt bad advice.

If he scared her by shouting, good! Time she learned that mouthing off has consequences. Better her dad scare her by shouting than her do it to someone else who just punches her.

If she were mine, she'd be made to apologise, phone taken off her and grounded until her attitude improved. ADHD is neither here nor there, it doesn't excuse rudeness. She needs discipline.

When it's being used by a child in an abusive context toward a parent.

It's a shame he didn't just leave it really? If he's had enough of the conversation between two women then it's his chance to find another room to go to.

Unpopular opinion here.

I think your DD has no respect for her father and I suspect it might be learned by observing how you interact with him. After all, it seems to be you and your DD against him?

I think DH also knows you don’t respect him, hence his later comments.

He was in the room, heard what she said and should be allowed to speak without having to ask for permission. A 15-year-old should not be calling the shots.

You say he had come back from work not long before. Tbh, I can image he was probably a bit annoyed he had to put up with emotional rabbitting on when he was trying to relax after work.

Yes, DH’s outburst was unnecessary but personally I suspect it wasn’t the first time you openly took DD’s side against him. I’m not saying you have to agree with DH 100% but these discussion shouldn’t happen in front of your DD. There might be a time when your DD calls you a b**ch and you get annoyed. What should you like your DH to do? I doubt you’d like him to openly take her side.

Your daughter wanted validation and DH didn’t give it to her. Tough. He obviously had a different point of view, it happens and your DD should be able to deal with it without calling him names.

I’m neurodivergent and I find the current trend of using various diagnoses to excuse sh*y behaviour unhelpful. ADHD or not, if your DD doesn’t learn to cope with the fact that not everyone agrees with her without having meltdowns and calling people names, things will get a lot worse for her when she’s an adult.

I would be absolutely raging.

But I would have handled it differently. I would have waited until dinner time, and then said if she thought that I was going to be called a prick in my own house she would have another think coming.

She would leave the table with no illusions as to the level of anger that I felt at her for using those words to me.
And then we would start of the fact that yes her reaction to the situation is ridiculous, and both her parents have told her this, and she needs to actually listen for a change and not having two areas where she wants to spout off without accepting any responsibility for the impact of not keeping her mouth shut.
And then we would start on the punishment- which would be disproportionate. And it might even include calling her a “cunt” just so she can experience the shock and hurt that words can cause, because she obviously cannot learn through reason or multiple conversations.

It doesn’t sound like OP knew anything more about the facts of the friendship drama than her husband - he was in the room hearing the same as she was. OP’s reception was just more palatable to her daughter than the (apparently good) advice her father gave.

Typical male trying to solve a problem he doesn't have the full facts about so it will go away. He was BU.

Your DD was wrong to say that. And she's old enough to know better even with the ADHD/GCSE exams. In my house that would be unacceptable. I would have asked my daughter on the spot to apologise to her dad.

He certainly was a prick in the way he behaved.
I'd be supporting my DD here too. She was out of order to say that but running after her and shouting is truly appalling.

I think you handled it perfectly and with tact. Whether she should have called him a prick or not, he certainly behaved like one and could try a little empathy for an upset young teen girl.

This! If you husband doesn’t understand your daughters condition then he is a poor parent, if she was diabetic or physically disabled would he not bother to learn about the condition impacting her?

I genuinely hate the response of “yeah well that’s how the world is and you have to just get on with it as an ND person” you would be a real prick to say that kind of thing to other people with where a condition or disability is physical obvious. Yes we all have to adapt and try and make things work but that needs to come from both sides of an interaction.

Both were at fault but your daughter has adhd, is 15, and is revising for exams, and was upset, so I really think I'd have let this one go, especially if she isn't normally rude. She said one word wrong.

Your husband on the other hand -

• Kept giving his opinion when asked not to

• Told a crying teen that she shouldn't be upset. Whether she was over reacting or not, that's invalidating her feelings and also, it's never going go work, basically telling someone to stop crying doesn't help

• Yelled, chased a crying girl up the stairs and got in her face, shouting. The above to points are maybe misjudgements more than anything else, but this behaviour towards a 15 year old girl, who just said one (not particularly awful) word, is completely unacceptable

He is the adult, she is an upset stressed child who made a mistake, so his reaction was completely OTT

He is a prick.

Lazy and disengaged takes longer to say though…

It's him repeating 'leave it' a few times when his dd has explained to him that he doesn't know the history.

He was giving unwanted advice. DD is a person in her own right, she is allowed to want to speak to just her mum about something without her father interfering with goady 'leave it' 'leave it' 'leave it' interjections.

How is telling her she's escalating the issue with her friend and to leave it is goading her? It may or may not have been good advice, the OP says it wasn't bad advice, but why shouldn't her father join in with a conversation in his home? Why shouldn't he give his child advice?

You agree that his advice wasn't bad, you talk about her "dramas" and she called him a prick. Do you think you pander to her "dramas" too much? You talk about the conversations that had gone on so it does sound like his advice is perfectly reasonable. She was very rude, ran off rather than face that she'd been rude. He then overreacted and he thinks you never back him up, do you think there is any truth in that?

Maybe you need to have a frank discussion, was he in a bad mood, is he fed up with her behaviour, do you always back her up, does she need to work out her friendships herself. I think there is a lot to think about.

I’d expect both parents to pull her up on saying “I’m not asking you” in the first place, in the family living room that she’s come into and started talking about her friendship drama in. It sounds a lot like you’re creating a precedent where she can be rude to her dad and you won’t back him up in pulling her up on it, and also where you will indulge her friendship dramas and not tell her difficult truths about her responsibility for them. I don’t think any of that is going to help her, or you.

OP says: "She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way."

She didn't want his open ear, she wanted him to stop goading her. Instead he got aggressive and shouted in her face.

It's astonishing how people think this is acceptable parenting from him.

Your daughter insulting her dad pales into insignificance given his aggressive reaction towards her over the word prick. Given his behaviour, the word prick is quite tame really.

My mum always told me that as an adult it is your responsability to BE the adult to your children, even when they are pushing every single one of your buttons. Now I have my own kids I know this is an impossible standard and it's not one that I meet all the time by a long shot, but it is one that you should aim for, and in this situation overall I think your husband failed to do that.

Yes, being called a prick is way over the line, and should come with some reprocussions other than being told not to do that again, but having reacted as he did, I would also expect him to apologise for his reaction once he'd calmed down, especially as his involvement was pretty emotionally tone deaf to begin with.