To have taken DD’s side?

i see this a lot on here: ND children have to be absolutely pandered to, they can do no wrong and everyone has to tiptoe around them.
i do see a fair bit of: nope we don't put up with any of their shit

Neither is right, IMO. Each child/family is different, but in EVERY family our job is to raise children who can navigate life. Whether than means knowing how to cook, not to chew with their mouths open, and to listen to people when they are explaining things to you - or when to mask, and when and where they can let it out, we all have that one job as parents.

For OP i'd suggest it means that she and DH both look into how their daughter's ADHD presents, and to work out how and why that is. and what situations may provoke an outburst, and how to handle them with an awareness of the situation they are currently in.

But there also needs to be dialogue between both and each parent(s) and the DD. how people speak to each other, and treating people with respect is a basic thing and a 15 year old, ND or not needs to learn it. Because once you are at college, uni, in a job, in a relationship etc etc, you have to know how to behave.

And we can yak all the live long day about how society needs to adapt, well yes, but it cannot always adapt. It is not always possible. It is sometimes possible in certain places, and sometimes not. We all need to grow up realising that. And once we are in positions where we have influence, we can help the world adapt.

I’m a HCP and have been called all sorts by members of the public at work

What you are describing are two completely different scenarios. A stranger being rude whilst you’re only trying to help them and your DD rightly calling you out for being an arse to her are not the same thing

Gosh, even without the ADHD I would have backed up the DD.

He was being a prick. He was dismissing her feelings and not giving her the emotional space she needed at that point. She didn't make a scene, she just expressed her feelings about him relatively quietly. She was calling him out in a relatively discreet way.

Why the fuck should she not be allowed to do that? She tried doing it the 'adult' way (telling him to stay out of it) and he didn't respect her then. Most adults would not have behaved in a better way.

He was way more childish than her.

I don’t think she should have called him a prick and I don’t think he should have acted the way he did (like a prick!), before or after she did it. You’re in the right and caught in the middle. I would now let them work through it themselves, as you’ve pointed out where both have been in the wrong. I’ve been in similar situations with daughter and husband and this is what I’ve had to do.

Sorry to disappoint you, you can't excuse male aggression without being challenged.

@SmellsLikeTeenSpirits I think you handled it well. You supported your dd (which is exactly what she needed) while at the same time backing up your dh about it not being ok to call him a prick. You then addressed the concerns you had with the way he handled the situation privately with him and away from your dd.

Your dh was out of order speaking to you the way he did (getting angry at you, accusing you of not backing him up and playing the victim instead of having a respectful, mature conversation with you). He was out of order getting right up in your dd’s face and yelling at her in a threatening way.

I wonder if there is an underlying issue he has but has not communicated about it.

My DH often behaves like a prick where my youngest DS is concerned. DS has ADHD and gets VERY emotional over lots of things. Every emotion he has is magnified 100% all the time. If he’s sad it’s like his whole family died, if he’s happy he’s bouncing off the walls, if he’s angry he absolutely rages!
When DS is angry DH tries to show who’s in charge! It’s pathetic really and escalates things to the extreme. The amount of conversations I’ve had with him about just let DS calm down (usually happens quickly) then we can talk about whatever’s happened cos shouting in his face sure isn’t going to help!!

Well, try shouting it at a stranger in a pub. In many places I’ve worked and people I’ve worked with, you’d definitely get a worse response than someone shouting in your face. It isn’t ok.

I used to regularly get screamed/shouted at/called worse names at work. No chance would I put up with it at home.

Er, sorry to disappoint but you’re not in charge.

My DS has ADHD and we have issues like this in our house. Absolutely YANBU. IMO my DH struggles to connect with my DS as well as I do, because he goes in as an authoritarian parent and you actually need to wait until the moment has passed, emotions are calm etc, then talk about how what happened in the heat of the moment wasn't appropriate. Your DH shouldn't have shouted like that.

There's no justification for getting aggressively in her face. Stop excusing the inexcusable.

He over reacted. DH and I clash a lot over our 2 DS’s. They both have ADHD. I’ve spent a lot of time reading all I can about it, how it affects emotions etc. I put an extreme amount of effort into understanding their needs, listening patiently, ignoring the odd swear word and not being flippant. DS2 particularly is a big ball of emotions and it’s best just to listen and only offer advice if he asks.,
DH just barrels in with his opinions usually they’re unwanted and usually they’re not helpful. This sets DS off.
I don’t think everyone realises that you have to find a different way of parenting a ND child.

Hers will be so much easier if she gets used to the fact that if she swears at and insults people they are likely to have very strong negative reactions. There’s a bit of fault on all sides here but you really can’t expect him to just quietly accept being called a prick by his teenage daughter. It’s a highly subjective opinion unpleasantly expressed, not some empirical truth.

It's also not ok for a father to goad his own daughter repeatedly.

He shouldn't have shouted in her face. I would have been furious if my teen called me a prick, think being angry about that is reasonable. Also think the previous input from him was ok too.

There are three separate issues her calling him a prick which is whilst not acceptable sounds as if it is true
how he behaved towards her before the incident which sounds as if he doesn’t like her
and how he was afterwards which was totally unacceptable aggressive and crossed a line

is he her father because he sounds awful

Your DH goaded DD into that response so he could be aggressive to her.

If I were DD I wouldn't want to speak to the cunt again.

Please support your dd.

In what MN snowflake world is the word prick abusive?

I don’t know what else you could have done. He had already shouted at her (which sounds quite scary tbh) and you told her it wasn’t acceptable to call her dad a prick. It’s not like you were telling her it was ok! Also with the original conversation, she was emotional and upset already and has ADHD. It almost sounds like her dad was goading her a bit saying to just drop it several times.

My ds told me once he remembers the night his df could no longer run after him upstairs to shout at him.. (disabled)
What a memory eh?

I don't know. You can't/won't always be there to intervene, and he definitely wound her up on purpose by the end, but it's not really advisable to call anyone a prick during an argument (I went to school with some kids who'd have just punched you for that). Sometimes people will tell you what you don't want to hear.

I would never (still wouldn’t and I’m 44) have dared use that sort of language to my parents. Would she say it to a teacher? A member of staff in a shop? Wasn’t a great situation but faults on both sides. It’s not ok to use abusive language towards anyone.

Under different circumstances my thoughts would be that your daughter should apologise for being rude. However, I don't believe that a grown man shouting aggressively in the face of a 15 year old deserves an apology. Sounds like she's right about him.

Your DD wasn’t wrong! He absolutely IS a prick!

He was being a prick so why shouldn;t she call him one?

People with ADHD often have no filter, they say it as it is. Your dh's life will be so much easier if he gets used to this fact sharpish.