If your Son/Daughter In Law lost a parent would you treat them differently?

Unfortunately your MIL is just not a nice person, nothing to do with you. I lost a parent as a teen and now live far from my family but near my in laws. My in laws have never made me feel part of their family or given support. My MIL actually has commented several times that I'm very lucky to still have one parent as she lost both hers, even though when she lost her first parent she was over 20 years older than I was...

I always presumed I would feel part of whatever family I married into but instead it's a formal and strained relationship. When I had a baby my family who live hours away were commenting that my in laws were probably dropping food over etc - that would just never happen.

To make an extra effort to include someone who's had a tough time into your family you have to be a basically kind person in the first place. I'm glad you don't bother with them.

My mum died not long before i had my first child, i was with DH 11 years by then and we knew each other really well. After baby came MIL only visited with FIL and through arrangement with DH. Even then she would sit in the sitting room, she never lifted a finger. Despite me often telling her to pop in (we live nearby) in 10 months of maternity leave she never did, not once. Never brought dinner, never arranged even to meet for coffee in a local cafe. I was alone 10 hours a day with a really difficult baby and she knew all this. I would literally have sobbed with relief if someone had come through my door and held him for 20 mins so I could have a shower or make a coffee.

All these years later I deeply deeply resent it. How uncaring to not step up even a little. So yes OP I agree with you. I think you got a really unlucky deal with your MIL.

I think it’s fairly unanimous that everyone thinks she’s just a bitch, nothing to do with you loosing your mum.

I think that it’s a hard question, if you try to hard with your DCs BFs/GFs it might be like your trying to replace their lost parent. I think it’s a matter of just being a nice kind person in general. If bonds build then that’s great.

My ExHs mum was ok, never really treat me any way other than her sons girlfriend even after we got married. It was clear to me that she was just indifferent to me, all his friends liked me and thought I was good for him, his parents didn’t. BILs girlfriend was the DIL they wanted and eventually got. We weren’t particularly close just got on when we saw each other. There were a few things that made me feel excluded, like I was never in family photos. At the time I was living in Exs home country on my own with no family. None of my family came for the wedding or ever met my ex. I was slightly hurt when we broke up and his parents never once asked me if I was ok. Just a phone call would have been nice given my ex had his entire family supporting him and I was on my own with zero family to support me. Of course their son came first but I did think it was cold at the time and still do.

Not quite sure why she's in your life in any capacity at all. I wouldn't let her into mine.

I hope that’s how I’d be. I think my problem would be not being too motherly. I’m so sorry you got such a shit mil @MyFeelingsOnThis

Oh that's so lovely. Not about your husband so much as that can be normal,but to have taken that view with his sister too.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum at such a difficult time. But yes, I think your MIL just sounds like a horrible, nasty piece of work and would be the same regardless.

I lost my mum 4 years ago. My MIL is lovely to me, but I think that’s just because she’s a nice person, I wouldn’t say she’s any more “motherly” towards me because of my loss or that we spend more time together or anything.

She's horrible
It's that simple

As others have said, she's a nasty bitch (to put it politely... there are no words in the English language to describe what she truly is). I lost my mum when I was 11 so you have my sympathies @MyFeelingsOnThis - I know what it's like to grow up and navigate life without your mum.

Honestly, I think she sees this loss as a weak spot and something to be nasty about. If it wasn't this, she'd find something else. Just remember - this is about her, not you. It says volumes about how despicable and sick she is. I'd give her a VERY wide berth, for fear I'd hit her if not! All the best 💐

So you didn't read the pointed comments in the OP then?

I’m sorry you have such a horrible MIL, OP.

I found the same with one of my SIL and BIL. To them it was a weak spot, and as they’re the sort of people who will take advantage, they tried very hard to push me around in the early years. Some people are just like that.

It is something beyond just taking advantage of a perceived weak spot, though. Your vulnerability triggers a very nasty streak of cruelty in people like that.

I would have as little contact as possible.

I am sorry your MIL has been so unkind. My lovely son in law has lost both parents, and DH and I wrote him a letter when his mother died, telling him that whilst we would never seek to take his parents’ place, we hoped he would always feel that we were there for him and he could call on us in need. He is treated just the same with gifts etc as our own DC

I think that is a natural response if you are a decent person.

I think it's irrelevant, your mil is just nasty.

My ILs were always very loving towards me (even when I divorced their son).
I lost both my parents when I was married to their son and they really stepped up and showed a lot of love.

They are both very unwell now, but I care for them deeply.

I'm sorry your MIL is so awful to you. She sounds very unkind.

Your mil took advantage of your loss and twisted the knife more at every opportunity..
Your dh needs to decide who's team he is on. My dil has a fraught relationship with her dm.. I don't see mine and have no siblings. We have forged a great bond /relationship given we both don't have many good ones in our lives!
Your mil is a cunt. Mine is also. Been nc for 9 years... Def recommend it..

As someone who had a horrible childhood, a crappy start in life and who feels robbed of having just been able to enjoy a young and carefree youth, I generally feel very protective of young people as I suspect you have now found. I wpuld treat any person important to my child as one of my own if that's what they needed, whether that is a partner or just a close friend.
I'm sorry you've been let down by the parental figures in your life and I hope you have a lovely supportive dad.

I lost my mum v young (7) but had a good step mum. No one in ILs has treated me differently I think. My friends families however did a massive amount for me. All my life I've been adopted by families. My mums friends have also done a massive for me.

Your MIL is just a horrific person, I can't imagine she'd treat you nicely if you had a living mum.

I suppose some (nice) MILs might become more nurturing towards you than with a DIL with a late mum, whereas other (nice) MILs might not out of worry they might look like they're trying to replace the late mum and cause upset.

She sounds vile. Are you forced to engage with her? I would be no contact
, permanently!!

My grandfather, even before we brought boyfriends home, always, 'i'll love him, because you love him'. I think it is such a gift to love and accept your children's spouses .
I think if my son's fiance didn't have a mother I would try and be even more available (for example I wouldn't normally go dress shopping with a Dil, as I would assume her mother would do that, but if she didn't have a mum I'd be sure to tell her I'd love to accompany her if she so wishes)

I think it has nothing to do with your mother having passed, and everything to do with her being a horrible person.

From all accounts, my grandmother on my dad's side wasn't very nice to my mother, who had also lost her own mother young. I do not know why she was like that although I DO know that my grandmother was a lovely and caring woman but also, apparently, a massive snob. My father's extended family have always been extremely kind and loving to my mother and his sister was genuinely devastated when my mum died so I can only assume it had to do with my gran's own issue. She died before I was even born so I certainly have no first hand info. Ironically, one of the things my parents had in common was that they were both very close to their mothers, with absent fathers, and were both very supportive of the pain they both felt from losing their respective mothers relatively young.

Yes, I would offer a more maternal role if it was welcome in those circumstances.

Your mil sounds like a wicked person.

Understood, thanks.

Yes, that too. I was focusing on the dreadful treatment not being related to the loss of OP’s mother. I should have phrased it better.

No, it sounds as though the MIL is a cunt.